Colfax McLiverneck

Oh, I get three sides with that? OK, I’ll have the mashed potatoes, the fried okra, and, uhhh, ummmmmmmmm, uh, uhhhhhhhhhh, how about ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, hmmm, let’s see, give me the—welllllll, uhhhhhh—OK—ummmmmmmmmmmm, I think, uhhhhhhhhhh, well, I, uh, the, the, the, the, uh, GOD, it all looks so good! Uhhhhhhhhhh, OK, I think, or maybe? Mmmmmmm, hmmm. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh give me the corn. Yes. The corn for sure. Corn.

I love to sing-a / About the corn-a and the peas-a and the beans-a / About fields of green and a cob for three / I love to eat, I love to eat corn!

No, he’s not French, Stewart. Neither is Patrick, Stewart. He’s English. Also, you’re head is shaped like a football.

You put your left foot in, you pull your left foot out, you lube it up with some creamed corn, that’s what it’s all about.

Whoze corn nutz? Deez corn nutz. Datz whoze.

I find it auspicious that your corn is delicious; ‘twould be quite propitious were it also nutritious.

Now that the national anthem is over, you can put ALL CAPS BACK ON. YEAH, CLEARLY, THIS IS A VISUAL CATCHPHRASE, SORRY.

What’s up, Hot Log!

Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and eat my sister’s corn.

Seeing as how we’re elbow-deep in the throes of April—and without a doubt we are—today is as good a day as any to end the show forever. Byeeee!

It’s been a quiet week in Lake Cornbegone.

If we Nebraskans have offended, think of corn, and all is mended.

Corn-studded turds? ‘Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

But soft! What creamed corn on yonder stovetop boils?

In retrospect, the detective’s circumspect inspection of the injected reject henpecked prefect and now I’m just copying words from a rhyme website

If Rene Magritte had taken my suggestion, things might have gone very differently for my levitating corn startup.

Have you noticed that EVERY SCENE of Hee Haw has corn in it? And boobs? Corn and boobs...mmmmmmmmmm.

A priest, the letter G, and a corn cob walk into a bar. The bartender says “Is this a joke with corn added to extend a recurring catchphrase theme?”

Coming soon—Jason Corn in THE CORN SUPREMAIZECY. It will blow your ears off. JULY 2018.

Please turn to page 17 of The History of Scottish Montenegro and read aloud: “Angus McLiverneck first planted corn in the Dubrovko Valley in 1615…”

Hey Jimmy you’re so fine you’re so fine you crack my corn Hey Jimmy! (clap clap) Hey Jimmy!

Earlyote burping may be the high point of my week. Bravo, improv-o-peoples. Bravo.

Spoiler alert: it was beneath the sundial marked AURUM SUB.

Hi, I’m Shut Upperman, corn-caster extraordinaire, and on today’s show, we’ve got an entrepreneur. Again.

Suggested user names for new submitters: The Pelican Queef; The Pound and the Furry; Slumcat Thousandaire; The Corn Supremaizecy. You‘re welcome.