Colfax McLiverneck

Krull (1983)

You can take a girl out of the country, but you cant take a kidney out of a girl and sell it out of the country. I mean you can, but it’s frowned upon.

And Jason King of the Mantzoukans begat Brad, and Brad begat Diego, and Diego begat Kyle, and Kyle begat Janet and left her on a mountainside to die and then begat Roger, and Roger begat Vernon, and Vernon founded a new podcast, and it was called Comedy Boom Shaka Laka, and the Lord did favor it, and then He did smite the dead Scottrick yet again but right in the face this time.

Here’s a little ditty ‘bout Jack and Diane—two American kids who inherited the family corn farm, sold it to Monsanto, and moved to Belize.

And the lamentations of the Auckerites were heard throughout the land, and there was a gnashing of teeth and a rending of sweater vests, and though Scottrick the Hated had previously been smitten dead by the Lord, the Lord did smite him again for good measure, and there was much rejoicing among the Mantzoukans, and King Jason did host the show even until the end of time, amen.

You know it’s all about that corn, ‘bout that corn, no legumes

I’ll have the spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, saffron-infused goat cheese frittata with corn relish, and spam.

Yessssssss!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit that the body was stuffed into a mini-fridge-sized box and shipped for free right to the defendant’s door!

On today’s Comedy Wait...What?, we’ve got almost-dead priest Father Rottie McGangrene and the lil’est guest ever, Itty Wee Bitsums.

Two roads diverged in a yellow cornfield, and I took the left one because I google-earthed the corn maze in advance.

To the Bang Bang boogie put yo hands in the air / Jimmy cracked corn like he just don’t care

I said a hip, a hop, a hippy to the hop / Jimmy cracked corn and he don’t stop

Ceiling cat is watching you shuck corn. Shuck it baby. Meeeeooooow...shuck it real good.

Dear Mr. Aukerman: we regret to inform you that your application for Canner at Colfax’s Creamed Corn Cannery and Cat Carnival has been rejected.

Dear Mr. Aukerman: We regret to inform you that your application for corn-picker at McLiverneck Farms, Inc. has been rejected. Sincerely, Yo Mamma.

What’s up, corn dog!

Whoa whoa whoa there, Jimmy—you’re saying you “cracked corn” all day? What the hell am I paying you for? And what the hell even is “cracking corn”?!”

Her hair was as yellow as corn. Her eyes were as firm as grapes. Her skin was as creamy as mashed potatoes. I was in love—and I was hungry.

Here’s what we know so far, officer: he brushed away the blue-tailed fly, then he cracked corn. Oh, and I don’t care.

Fact: in the real ending of Rumplestiltskin, he drives his leg into the ground in a fit of rage and then rips his own body in half and dies.

This podcast may seem to you like the Old West, in that you may want to hang me as a varmit for a-rustlin’ horseflesh.

Morphologically similar to Homo habilis, 2.2 million-year-old Heynong Man remains have been found in the very act of slaying Neandertang.

Jimmy cracked corn!? Jimmy barely knew corn!

Hey—excuse me, Mr. Nongman—can you scratch my back? Right there. No, a little higher. To the left. No, your left. Down a bit OH GAHD YESSSSS