Colfax McLiverneck

One fish two fish red fish dead fish.

Oh, the places you’ll go, like to the goddamn store to get the goddamn creamed corn like I asked you to do two goddamn hours ago!!

Knock knock. Who’s there? No, it’s Horton. Horton who? No, you’re Who. Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you.

This catchphrase gets the Official Colfax McLiverneck Stamp of Approval.

I’m going to be forthright with you—if you take the fifth right, it’s the same as if you just took the first right.

My cousin Elevenvel wears dresses and isn’t quite as stabby as me—she’s more the throwy type.

And a-one, and a-two, and a-three, makes a-six.

BOOOOOOOBBBIES yes

You can lead a horse to water. I’m giving you permission.

And The Lord of Hosts said unto Jason, “Journey forth to the corner store, and there you shall buy a Jumbo Drink and a Bag of Corn Chips, and these shalt thou take to your next appearance on Comedy Bang Bang, which is an abomination in my sight, and thou shalt slurp and chomp them throughout the recording, until the demon Auckerelzebub becometh perturbed and doth bloweth his top.”

I can’t even remember the last time I womped it up

well enough

I find it odd that no one has acknowledged the 800-pound can of corn behind the water cooler.

An elephant shot me while I was in my pajamas this morning; how he got that big-ass elephant finger inside the trigger guard, I’ll never know.

Mess with the ear, and you’ll get the wolf.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, and you can pick a banjo, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose with a banjo.

Fact: Teddy Roosevelt’s daughter Alice had a pet garter snake named Emily Spinach.

Eenie meenie miney Moe, Larry, Curly, Corny / Catch a tiger by has balls and ask him if he's horny!

The anonymous gift to Engineer Cody of a year-long membership in the Corn of the Month Club really paid off!

This episode being what it is, I recommend that you just skip ahead to a little something we call plugs.

Thanks to Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, we are unable to simultaneously provide the position and the velocity of your meth order.

And now the floor is open for access to the crawlspace.

What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? It doesn’t matter!

I went back in time and murdered my own grandfather, but after he fathered my mother and just because he was an asshole.

If you take a broken watch back in time, is it still right twice a day?