Colfax McLiverneck

Little-known historical fact: China’s Tang Dynasty was not overturned by the latent effects of the Huang Chao Rebellion of 884–894 AD—it was slayed by barbarian invaders from the neighboring proto-Mongol state of Mantzoukistan.

Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it. It.

It's been a long time coming, this river of supercooled creamed corn.

Throw your beach towels over your screech owls, kids—it's time for the Corn Coberman Show!

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but you can’t teach a DEAD dog ANY tricks, so please stop teaching that dog how to breathe underwater.

Captain’s log: since the Enterprise was sucked through the Yomamma Wormhole, sick bay has been overwhelmed with cases of Asscraxian Cooties.

The little dead boy that lives under the stairs hovered over my bed eating his own face again last night—THAT'S how I’m doing today.

Colfax from Nebraska asks: “What the hell kind of name is Aukerman, anyway? Were your ancestors aucker purveyors, or what?”

Ring around the corned beef, a pocket full of VHS tapes, cummerbunds, mayonnaise, we all go to the Blues Traveler concert.

I put this heavy-duty vacuum in reverse to try and remove all the hot chili I just spilled on this litter of newborn kittens, and it REALLY sucks—hard.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but if you’re wanting to skin me alive, you should probably get a fillet knife and some pliers.

Yo mamma is so ugly, I didn’t have sex with her. Just kidding, I did! BURRNNNNNNN

There once was a man from Savannah / Whose ear was so long he could suck it / He said with a smirk as he straightened his sweater / ”Engineer Cody, will you please pass the creamed corn?”

Yea, though I walk through the valley of cornmeal, I shall fear no weevils.

Is it customary to hold your pee while eating a continental breakfast?

You say Berenstain, I say Berenstein–but you’re wrong and I’m right. I don’t care what the internet in your dimension says.

Note: this catchphrase should be read in the voice of Foghorn Leghorn.

I would like to nominate my esteemed colleague Stonewall Longstreet Armistead as Secretary of Bothersome Jibber-Jabber Suppression.

A dark night in a city that knows all about mediocre comedy. On the 12th floor of the Earwolf Building, one man is hilariously attempting to tie his shoes—Apple Boberman, Podcast Guy

I’m going to count to three: one...two...corn GODDAMMIT I meant three.

Drowning in a corn silo is not a pleasant way to die. So I suggest that you put the iguana down and forget you ever saw me in that Ikea restroom.

In our indefatigable quest to understand exactly how beef is corned, we are happy to welcome Finland’s leading corned beef expert, Bjorn Beefcorner.

Can o’ Corn, Can’ o’ Corn, wherefore art thou, Can o’ Corn? Howfore am I to eat you if find you I cannot?

Bravo! You are truly a master of catchphrasery.

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