Colfax McLiverneck

You can’t always get what you want. Unless what you want is tacos, and it’s Tuesday.

Emperor Qin Shi Huang’s Terracotta Army ain’t got nothin’ on my Racist Obama Head Chia Pet Battalion.

These go to Eleven. And let’s get the poor girl a goddamn toaster so she doesn’t have to eat them frozen.

There was an old woman who swallowed a fly—perhaps she’ll ANNNND she’s dead.

I owe all to my muse, He Who Walks Behind The Rows.

Smash cut to the Smashing Pumpkins actually smashing pumpkins, accompanied by Corgan on the organ.

I WILL CUT YOU, you moderately hard-to-open package of double-A batteries.

Coming soon to an extra-large theater near you—Whalenado: Ghost Blubber in the Sky

I am the lemon merchant.

Whaa happened, hotdog?

Ringo killed my baby.

Please turn to Second Heynongians, Chapter 17, verse 18: “And so it came to pass that after the applause receded, Jason the Beloved did host the show in perpetuity, and begat multiple sons with the Widow Kulap, and the Lord smote the Auckerites again even though yea they had already perished, and the Mantzoukans slayed tang throughout the land.”

Yet it lacks something...corn, perhaps?

Amen.

Please turn to First Heynongians, Chapter 7, Verse 13: “And it came to pass that the walls of the studio were besieged by the idolatrous Auckerites, and the Lord smote them, and they perished, and from the land of Mantzouka there issued a new host, and he was called Jason the Beloved.”

Please turn to Second Heynongians, Chapter 42, Verse 1: “Verily, I say unto thee, he that findeth the tang, and slayeth it, shall be exalted among his bros.”

In the beginning was the bird, and the bird was with God, and the bird was the word, and everyone had heard about the bird.

Matty communicated to Hatty her concern about the overly hirsute intact adult male bovine.

I’ve gotta tell you, Judy—if your idea of a disguise is just glasses, this bank probably ain’t gonna get robbed today.

Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. Hell, I can barely get a flashlight in there, much less a book.

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room and how it got into my pajamas.

What is this basket-ball of which you speak? And curry can be made palatable only with the addition of corn.

War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. Curry is delicious. Iowa is interesting. Yo mamma turned me down.

Ceiling cat is watching you skin that cat using a technique that departs from than the traditionally-accepted method of skinning cats.

A bird in the hand is worth two in Eugene Levy’s eyebrows.