Colfax McLiverneck

Meanwhile in Idaho, ninety-nine babies in an apple tree shat simultaneously, bewildering a passing yak.

After realizing that love is not the answer to a successful haunting, he lost all faith in John Lennon’s ghost’s advice.

We're not in Nebraska anymore, dumplin.

Do dromedary and Andromeda resemble each other enough to suffice as a catchphrase-worthy play on words?

Well I’ll be dammed and a reservoir will form behind me.

There are some who say that it was in fact Timmy who cracked corn...

“Gulliver’s rollover endeavor revolved around the governor’s forthcoming volumizing vacuum referendum,” he phonated with an effluvient guffaw.

Mister Malaka’s being very Voblex about Captain Puke Fish’s Shampoodler fetish; if only DaleCooperBlack had some classic greazy-bob Frenchfries with Pure Guava sauce in this cramped JohnWilkesSoundBooth on this auspicious AprilFoolsRebel day.

I’d give my left nut for five minutes alone with your furry squirrel-lady friend.

How dare you.

Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be ignoring you, you uninteresting idiot.

What's the difference between can of corn and a boner? I don't have a can of corn right now...

If you need anything in the next hour, me and Runny Butt-Notch will be flippin’ readies down at Bookman’s Gash.

A squirrel with a dragon tattoo just hacked my laptop and changed my screensaver to ACORNIST.

Were you raised in a barn? If so, can you stick your arm up this cow’s vag and whip out a baby cow?

You can’t always get what you want, but if you’re high sometime, you just might find that last hairy corn chip under the couch.

Marconi plays the mamba? WTF, man? Anyway, like I was saying, we built this city on biscuits and gravy, the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.

If you only take one thing away from this, please GOD let it be that hideous lamp shaped like a woman’s leg in a fishnet stocking.

'Twas a consummation devoutly to have been wished, and the jolliest of wankings to have remembered.

That’s once, twice, three times you’ve swiped your debit card, lady. Would you like to borrow ten dollars?

So that’s one, two, THREE balls!? You, my friend, are a tri-testiculared freak!!

I can’t even—but I can odd.

St. Elmo’s Fire was a muppet-free movie from the 1980s, Kyle.

Throw your bedspreads over your deadheads, kids—it’s time for the Corn Coberman Show!

It’s not the loves you take, it’s the loves you rake. Or is that leaves? Goddammit, autumn!