Colfax McLiverneck

You load fifteen tons, whaddya get? One more ton to load, pal. One. More. Ton.

I know I'm melancholy, but don't mollycoddle me, Molly. And don't pollycoddle or hollycoddle me either. Your name is Molly, right?

To make a long story short, "In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit…'Well, I'm back,' he said."

Oh. Marissa! I feel as if I have been hurled into an abyss of cold and bitter womplessness. How am I to go on without your hirsute, inverted, dinner-plate-sized nipples; your upside-down-pyramid-shaped lump of a muffin body; and your screeching, inconsequential micro-fits! I cannot even feel my jamz anymore. Where shall I find relief! Woe is me!! I fear that I must descend to the cellar and drown my melancholy in a case of vintage corn whisky. If I do not return, please give Listler and Gutterballs my regards, and remember me fondly as you slather cream cheese on your Digiorno's.

You must do this movie right now. I'll get the popcorn ready.

If the Mexican food of the future doesn't include corn, I want no part of it. Except for those little futuristic brown sugar candies at the register.

You can lead a corn dog to mustard, but you can't make it bark. Because it's a wiener encased in cornmeal dough and deep-fried, not a dog.

If dreaming of being lost in a Classic Nebraskan Corn Maze (or CNCM) for all eternity is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

I approve of this catchphrase. (corn)

Workin' hard? Hardly workin'? Gluin' corn nuts to the floor? Verrrrrry interesting...

Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Nova Scotian corn farmer named Philomena.

My shirt is approximately the same color as yours. It appears as though you and I received the same memo. Do you have a syringe of corn syrup?

Like creamed corn and fried cornbread, both of these movies are delicious. Comparing the two is like comparing The Sun Also Rises to Light in August. It can't be done.

I find it auspicious that your cornbread is delicious; it would be quite propitious if it were also nutritious.

My new novel "The Obtuse Lamentations of Colfax McLiverneck" is now available for purchase at amazon.corn

Concerning Colonel Corcoran's calico cat's condition—careless cup crazing caused a cornfield conflagration, consuming Carbondale's campaign center, confounding the candidate and cremating the cursed cat.

Not sure what you're waiting for. Let's do this. I'll bring popcorn.

Candy-corn-flavored corn in cans shaped like colossal candy corns? 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

Corn Y Carnitos Gorditos Locos Supremos con Guillermos del Toros? Esta acceptablos.

I got a fever, and the only cure is more corn.

This episode is corntastic. And finally, the lyrics to the theme song are understandable. I always heard them as: "Here we are!/Slay the ox!/Fish radius!"

The time-traveling air-fucker who once pushed Hitler. Simply amazing. Corny, but amazing.

Epic. As epic as my grandmother's fried cornbread with a little bit of butter and a dollop of fig preserves. Bravo, sirs. I look forward to meeting Twoandaquartervel next year.

I'll take "Corn" for $400, Alex. And I'll take it rectally, please. Can you slap me around a little bit, too?

Gratuitous use of the word "corn" in a sentence in which it has no business being.