Colfax McLiverneck

And now, a reading from Second Heynongians, chapter 4, verse 16: "Verily I say unto thee, remove the kernel from thine own bunghole before lying your way out of jury duty again."

Slaytang? Nay! Corntang? Yay!!

Here's what we know so far. Jimmy cracked corn, and no one cares. More news as events develop.

Though the tide of the battle had turned, our hero remained surrounded by a horde of menacing Auckers—these corn-loving minions of the Heynongian Empire would stop at nothing to scalp his nuts.

Corn to the left of me, corn to the right—that's right, I'm in a cornfield composing Comedy Bang Bang catchphrases.

It was said of Sir Cornburglar that he would stand for hours in the canned vegetable aisle planning capers, and then—having confused corn with capers—would begin to weep softly.

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me—her name is Gloria, and she likes hiking, Tim McGraw, and popcorn.

I'll have the spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam corn fritter and spam.

All the world's a stage, and all the stages are waiting to be festooned with glorious dried cornstalks, so as to add a little autumn flair to our humble production of Our Town Junior.

The corn maze proceeded with a dreadful foreshadowing so suggestive that it could have been fiveshadowing.

And late in that age, Mordor was defeated and converted into fertile yet stinky agricultural land. This has been Robert Smeagol for All Things Cornsidered.

Welcome to the jungle, we've got hot corn for 15 cents, cold corn for 10 cents, or no corn for nothing.

Life begins at cornception; life ends at corncession.

You know what they say: if the corn is knee-high by the Fourth of July, it'll be two knees high by the time I roll off your mamma.

It was said of Sir Bilious J. Cornbuster that he would spend hours tooling around his tool shed.

Word play, turd play. The catchphrases around here need way more indigestible feeder corn.

He'll be coming round the hundo when he comes—and he'll be coming in six white unicorns when he does.

And the Oscar goes to Mike Judge and Stephen King for "Children of the Cornholio!"

And how exactly does one "corn" beef?

Ethan eats ethanol down by the e-shore. That's a poor health choice AND a virtual beach, folks.

As Cornwall's army advanced on Memphis, he realized that it was the wrong Memphis--Egypt, not Tennessee. Damn you, Google Maps.

Kenny G is a master of the sax-o-corn, but Weird Al is a connoisseur of the weird-o-horn.

This is just to say that I have eaten the corn that was in the icebox, which you were probably saving for Groundhog Day. It was so delicious, and so buttery.

Hipster Christians oh the time has come...to put down the corn and slowly back away.

Amber waves of grain? I'll allow it. Technically, corn is a grass.