Colfax McLiverneck

The character Vernon Cobworthy portrayed on this podcast is fictitious. Any resemblance to that sonofabitch that killed my cat is purely coincidental.

Breaking: the changes to Comedy Bang Bang mentioned in “Best of 4” will consist solely of holding Jason down and giving him a respectable haircut.

I went to the woods because I wished to poop deliberately, and not, when I die, remember that I had shat my pants at the company picnic.

Tom Bosley. You will never find a more wretched excuse for a That 70s Show guest star.

You put your left foot in, you pull your left foot out, you put your left foot in, and HEY WAIT A MINUTE—it’s not that kind of show!

I don’t care what your state motto is, Missouri—I’m not showing you my boobs.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “My cat died.”

Why did the chicken bisect the toroidal polyhedron? To derive the integral sub-matrices of its homeomorphically-equivalent Eilenberg-MacLane space.

James fractured maize, but my lack of personal investment in his endeavor prevented me from empathizing.

Do you ponder what Hamburglar means by the mumble “robble robble”—is it a grumble of hunger or a harbinger of a stump-sized rump dumper?

So I knew this guy from Nantucket whose penis was so remarkably large in proportion to his torso length that he could fellate himself.

Since her seaside seashell shop was shuttered by the city’s cease and desist order, she subsists solely by scalping Soul Asylum CDs by the Scrimp ‘N Save.

For sale: Seashells. Location: Seashore. Condition: Lightly used by unknown mollusk. Do not CONCH-tact seller with unsolicited offers.

How ‘bout don’t piss on my leg OR tell me it’s raining. The former is disgusting and the latter is self-evident.

How dare you

See you later, alligator. After while, crocodile. Hasta manana, senor iguana. Take it easy, mac ‘n cheesy.

Coming this December—A Twelve-Minute VHS of My High School Marching Band Playing an Arrangement of Sweet Child of Mine: A Star Wars Story

Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be ignoring you, you profoundly uninteresting nincompoop.

Cornhole is just a game like Bird is a just a sax player, maize hater.

Let’s all go to the lobby/Let’s all go to the lobby/Let’s all go to the lobby/And solve the equation on the chalkboard so we can bang Minnie Driver.

This is going to be a January to remembuary.

What plops down stairs / Dark brown and with hairs / Gets eaten by random dogs / What sucks for a snack / And stinks up your crack / It’s NEW Hot Log!

I'm rubber and you're glue but if you keep stabbing me I'll surely perish.

I’m as busy as a one-legged man in a gnawing-your-one-remaining-leg-off contest.

This may be the best podcast of all the podcasts in the history of podcasting. Bravo!