Hey man—what’s nong?

[Hey man—what’s nong?]

Hey man—what’s nong?

[Chapter the Eighteenth: In Which Lord Archibald VonPfister Embarks Upon an Exploratory Jaunt into the Titular Cornwolving Forest and Has a Mesmeric Epiphany]

Chapter the Eighteenth: In Which Lord Archibald VonPfister Embarks Upon an Exploratory Jaunt into the Titular Cornwolving Forest and Has a Mesmeric Epiphany

[Hey, hey, heyyy, what you want, but don’t nong mans with my affection]

Hey, hey, heyyy, what you want, but don’t nong mans with my affection

[Corn is the new beans.]

Corn is the new beans.

[A horse walks into a barn. The barntender says “Hay?” The horse says, “Nong, man.”]

A horse walks into a barn. The barntender says “Hay?” The horse says, “Nong, man.”

[What’s wrong—hot log?]

What’s wrong—hot log?

[Hey is for horse. Nong is for man.]

Hey is for horse. Nong is for man.

[Make hey while the nong mans.]

Make hey while the nong mans.

[In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is having a hell of a time finding a donor.]

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is having a hell of a time finding a donor.

[Chapter the Seventeenth: In Which a Stealthy Vulpine Visitor Absconds with a Tin of Satsuma Scones and is Pursued by Sir Rutherford’s Fleetest Hound, Corntooth the Bold]

Chapter the Seventeenth: In Which a Stealthy Vulpine Visitor Absconds with a Tin of Satsuma Scones and is Pursued by Sir Rutherford’s Fleetest Hound, Corntooth the Bold

[Chapter the Sixteenth: In Which Madame Toilette de Fleury Encounters a Black Mamba in Cornminster-upon-Humpley and is Overcome with the Vapours]

Chapter the Sixteenth: In Which Madame Toilette de Fleury Encounters a Black Mamba in Cornminster-upon-Humpley and is Overcome with the Vapours

[If you don’t love me at my wurst, you don’t deserve me at my brat.]

If you don’t love me at my wurst, you don’t deserve me at my brat. 

[Sky blisters notwithstanding, a bucket of honey crumbles at the mention of knee replacement —and the scarier the better, because we exclusively grow maroon corn now]

Sky blisters notwithstanding, a bucket of honey crumbles at the mention of knee replacement —and the scarier the better, because we exclusively grow maroon corn now

[If you can’t stand the human sacrifice, get out of the corn field.]

If you can’t stand the human sacrifice, get out of the corn field.

[Aztecs did it, Olmecs did it—even educated Zapotecs did it—let’s do it, let’s grow some corn!]

Aztecs did it, Olmecs did it—even educated Zapotecs did it—let’s do it, let’s grow some corn!

[Paper toast pop can, economic bubble wrap, corn for brunch, kudzu humble mumble, annnd that’s a wrap. Utah doesn’t count]

Paper toast pop can, economic bubble wrap, corn for brunch, kudzu humble mumble, annnd that’s a wrap. Utah doesn’t count

[Captain Fartbreath McLiverneck was the name of my beloved grandfather, you disrespectful monster.]

Captain Fartbreath McLiverneck was the name of my beloved grandfather, you disrespectful monster.

[Frosty the Hastily-Erected Snowman / Was a fundamentally unstable soul / With an insufficient load-bearing base / And a dangerously tilted shear angle / And two unbalanced eyes made out of coal]

Frosty the Hastily-Erected Snowman / Was a fundamentally unstable soul / With an insufficient load-bearing base / And a dangerously tilted shear angle / And two unbalanced eyes made out of coal

[May the farts be with you.]

May the farts be with you. 

[I came here to eat corn and chew bubblegum and write catchphrases, but I’m all out of corn and bubble gum.]

I came here to eat corn and chew bubblegum and write catchphrases, but I’m all out of corn and bubble gum.

[Drew Carey. The Magna Carta. A skillet of cornbread. Coincidence? I think not.]

Drew Carey. The Magna Carta. A skillet of cornbread. Coincidence? I think not. 

[Make hay while the sun shines—and by “hay” I mean “burlap speedos” and by “while the sun shines” I mean “while the sun shines” because manufacturing burlap speedos after dark in Temecula is illegal.]

Make hay while the sun shines—and by “hay” I mean “burlap speedos” and by “while the sun shines” I  mean “while the sun shines” because manufacturing burlap speedos after dark in Temecula is illegal.

[On today’s show, Alejandro Alvarado, Abogado de Avocado—and an exciting new segment, “Stomp That Hat!”]

On today’s show, Alejandro Alvarado, Abogado de Avocado—and an exciting new segment, “Stomp That Hat!”

[I tried playing possum once but it was weird blowing into its butthole.]

Profoundly corny. Bravo, sir.

[What rough beast slouches toward your ass to be thrown up it?]

What rough beast slouches toward your ass to be thrown up it?