You can lead a Jimmy to corn, but you can’t make him crack it.

[You can lead a Jimmy to corn, but you can’t make him crack it.]

You can lead a Jimmy to corn, but you can’t make him crack it.   

[If you love ketchup so much, why don’t you marry it?]

If you love ketchup so much, why don’t you marry it?

[If I had a nickel for every time I wondered why I didn’t have any nickels, I’d have more nickels than I would have had had I never wondered why I didn’t have any nickels, but not a life-changing amount of nickels because I’ve almost never wondered that.]

If I had a nickel for every time I wondered why I didn’t have any nickels, I’d have more nickels than I would have had had I never wondered why I didn’t have any nickels, but not a life-changing amount of nickels because I’ve almost never wondered that.

[In the land of the cornless, the one-eared man is king.]

In the land of the cornless, the one-eared man is king.

[This is the show that is a show about comedy, and being funny with jokes or pretending to be characters is what we do to make you laugh while experiencing feelings of amusement and enjoying our humorous program.]

This is the show that is a show about comedy, and being funny with jokes or pretending to be characters is what we do to make you laugh while experiencing feelings of amusement and enjoying our humorous program.

[You had me at Comedy Bang.]

You had me at Comedy Bang.

[When one door closes, another one opens—what the hell? Are we trying to air-condition the entire neighborhood? Sheesh.]

When one door closes, another one opens—what the hell? Are we trying to air-condition the entire neighborhood? Sheesh.

[Aww shucks, you didn’t have to de-husk all that corn for li’l ‘ol me!]

Aww shucks, you didn’t have to de-husk all that corn for li’l ‘ol me!

[Me and Gimpy Boardnuts tuggin’ skinflutes down at Cornbaum’s Hutch]

Me and Gimpy Boardnuts tuggin’ skinflutes down at Cornbaum’s Hutch

[Technicality no down boo over schmechnicality schmo down schmoo over]

Technicality no down boo over schmechnicality schmo down schmoo over

[Me and Jumpy Cornteeth jugglin’ glowsticks down at Keebler’s Fjord]

Me and Jumpy Cornteeth jugglin’ glowsticks down at Keebler’s Fjord

[Don’t close the bar door before the horse walks in.]

Don’t close the bar door before the horse walks in.

[Me and Vampy Toadsuck squishin’ pup tents down at Morton’s Grove]

Me and Vampy Toadsuck squishin’ pup tents down at Morton’s Grove

[Are you a can-of-corn or a can’t-of-corn?]

Are you a can-of-corn or a can’t-of-corn?

[Me and Trenchy Lundgren scoopin’ eyeballs down at Bernie’s Gulch]

Me and Trenchy Lundgren scoopin’ eyeballs down at Bernie’s Gulch

[More like snake it ‘til you break it.]

More like snake it ‘til you break it.

[I’m just going to have a nice warm mug of creamed corn and pretend I didn’t hear that.]

I’m just going to have a nice warm mug of creamed corn and pretend I didn’t hear that.

[Green grass, you say? And pretty girls? Sure, I wanna go.]

Green grass, you say? And pretty girls? Sure, I wanna go.

[Remember that scene from your cooking show where you rubbed the cheese against the metal grid? That was grate.]

Remember that scene from your cooking show where you rubbed the cheese against the metal grid? That was grate.

[Welll here’s a little story I like to tell / About three Badd brothers you DON’T know so well / They were John, Charlie, and Henry Badd, and they lived across the street from me in Tacoma when I was a kid]

Welll here’s a little story I like to tell / About three Badd brothers you DON’T know so well / They were John, Charlie, and Henry Badd, and they lived across the street from me in Tacoma when I was a kid

[You gotta fight for your right to potty in North Carolina these days, knowhatimsayin?]

You gotta fight for your right to potty in North Carolina these days, knowhatimsayin?

[Slow and low that is the tempo. Wait, how can a tempo be low? Don’t you mean volume? Silly Beastie Boys, you never learn!]

Slow and low that is the tempo. Wait, how can a tempo be low? Don’t you mean volume? Silly Beastie Boys, you never learn!

[And now a reading from First Heynongians chapter 7, verse 18: And then Jason of Mantzouka did wail and rend his garments, for though Scottrius the Ensweatered had finally perished, the Widow Kulap refused to become his queen and the podcast was cancelled.]

And now a reading from First Heynongians chapter 7, verse 18: And then Jason of Mantzouka did wail and rend his garments, for though Scottrius the Ensweatered had finally perished, the Widow Kulap refused to become his queen and the podcast was cancelled.   

[Baseball fun fact: each game of baseball is approximately four million hours long and makes everyone want to kill themselves in the face with a hammer until they die.]

Baseball fun fact: each game of baseball is approximately four million hours long and makes everyone want to kill themselves in the face with a hammer until they die.

[The two rules of CBB catchphrasing: 1. Catchphrases must rhyme. 2. Unless you ain’t got time.]

The two rules of CBB catchphrasing: 1. Catchphrases must rhyme. 2. Unless you ain’t got time.