CaptPukeFish

The world may remember him as Richard Pryor, but to me he’ll always be Dick Previous.

My neck, my back, my pussy, and my crack. Of course, doctor, if the fungus spreads to any other areas, I’ll contact you immediately.

I got two tickets to Paradise, Wyoming. It’s for me and a girlfriend I made up and we’re going to my parents funeral.

I’ve been working on how bad I am at tying shoes, and I think I finally found a loophole.

The word “legend” gets thrown around a lot. But not as much as, or as far as, the word frisbee.

I’ll take some of grumpy’s lumpy rump in one lump sum.

A bottle of red? A bottle of white? As your urologist, I have some concerns.

You expect me to clean up that trail of semen? After I came all this way?

If my theory was correct and we made it to the other side, the catchphrase should be wrapping up right abooout...wait for it. Waaait for it.

She says she talks to angels. Turns out she meant Hells Angels. And by “talks to”, she meant “has unprotected sex with”. And by “she”, I meant “me”.

Jesus, take the wheel. Satan, you’re crowd control. In and out in 3 minutes, with as few casualties as possible. Let’s do this!

There’s safety in numbers. Specifically the numbers 4, 11, and 26. All others numbers are extremely dangerous and not to be fucked with, especially 73.

Doctor doctor, give me the news. Huey Lewis done kidnapped them fools. *

Disappointed

I threw up on a farm. Wait, that’s not right. I threw up on a farmer.

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth, then they have a plan, a fat lip, and maybe one or two questions about why a stranger just punched them in the face.

Just an old fashioned love song, for a poorly fashioned robo -shlong.

Bitches wanna wear my gown and take my crown, cuz I’m the clown fucking king of the underground.

I’m a scat man. And by “scat” I mean animal feces. Skibbity be bop dip dap. I love shit.

It was hands down the best way I’ve ever had my hands chopped off.

But that, my dear detective, is just the tip of the iceberg’s penis.

So simple, even an idiot can listen to it.

Splish splash I was rhyming bath with splash.

Your future’s so bright because everything you care about catches fire.

There’s no business like shploe business, because shploe business isn’t a real thing.