CaptPukeFish

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, baffling doctors, but not mother, whose secret spoon fetish would lead my family to a life of poverty.

ts the same every nite; I find myself on a podcast trying to explain a recurring dream,and I awaken to find Im just an ill-conceived meta-catchphrase

It's like there's a party in my mouth, and giant teeth show up to slaughter all the guests, and grind them down to a bloody paste of organs and bones.

Don't listen to those mean kids Timmy. We are all equal in the eyes of Zorblox the God-butcher, Indiscriminate Slayer of Children. Hail Zorblox.

That catchphrase was bad and whoever wrote it should feel bad.

I don't care if Its too long for the Choctaw to read it, theres nowhere else on the internet worth writing this shit.

'Almost' doesn't count except in horseshoes and hand grenades, and for handshoes and horse grenades, where we only count the 'almosts'. Now saddle up your grenade covered horse, put these shoes on your hands, and go score us some "almosts" babay!!!

I don't miss fishing for Amy Fisher's anal fissures, as those are the blistery fissures which that witch Ms. Fischer used to make me kiss.

You can shear a sheep many times, but skin them only once. It's $10 to sheer, $45 to skin. Will you be paying with cash or card?

I ended a sentence with a preposition. Deal with it Auckerman

Forget everything you thought you knew about underwater clown orgies.

I'll never forget the clip clop clippity clop sounds of those hooves pulverizing my grandpas corpse, but man could that horse tap dance.

There's something about having great sex that just seems to put me in the mood.

Don't you hate it when you let your neighbor borrow one of your tools and then he catches you jerking off on one of his more attractive garden gnomes?

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king, but more importantly he is the reigning hide-and-seek champion since the great Eye-Gouge of '76.

In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me a hollowed out block of moldy cheese filled with his pubic hair and pencil shavings.

I don't discuss religion or politics at the dinner table. Mostly because the illuminati won't let me have company and the Jews stole my table.

The relentless stream of consciousness nonsense for the first 35 minutes is pure gold. B-

With quivering lips, the arrow pulled from its quiver, he shot from the hip, through the astronaut's liver.

full on dad-joke style.

She won't mince words, but she will mince meat. Meet Mincy, the world's cutest mute meat mincer.

Today at school I learned the small intestine is over 20 feet long. It was the most gruesome gym class injury I've ever seen.

I'm not much of a "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of guy, but I am sitting in a pile of dead flies.

This is show that kind of knot. The show where we show off all kinds of different knots, then take shits on eachother.

If you pee something, spray something.