CaptPukeFish

I think you're old enough to know the truth. Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy beat your father to death.

I was expecting a gator of piss, but turns out it was just a croc of shit.

Stupid psychic told me i'd injure my finger slamming my car door today. Jokes on her. It was just my dick being crushed between closing elevator doors.

I'm from the future and it turns out robots eventually learn the concept of love. They also learn what daddy likey.

In a land of milk & honey, milk bags and honeypots aren't euphemisms 4 female anatomy, they're valuable commodities, if u know what I mean.*wink *wink

She promised it was because of my god-like super penis, but turns out she only married me for my catchphrase suggestions.

... (I'm not proud of it, but there it is)

You're just robbing Peter to pay Paul. And then punching Mary in the face? What kind of sadistic tour manager are you?

That Polaroid picture of a salt shaker ur mama gave you is how you make your money. I suggest you shake it like a woman's ass.

According to the Framer's Almanac, August is the best month to start planting evidence.

At least he died doing what he loved; bemoaning a life of regret and fearing the finality of death while his organs slowly failed.

Fun fact: Virgin smurf blood eliminates herpes, provided it was a smurf that gave you the herpes, otherwise known as smurpies.

If making stereotypical Asian jokes and being ashamed of my Caucasian heritage is Wong, I don't wanna be white.

Contrary to popular belief, the term "contrary to popular belief" was coined by pansexual uber-DJ, The Contrarious Beefy Lee.

Chapped lips, chapstick, assless chaps, and Tracy Chapman's dickless napsack, coming up next, on "Whats Crackin' Hackensack?"

I hate when I go to the bathroom and forget my iPhone. I feel like I let down all of the loyal followers of my slo-motion poop web series once again.

In space, no one can hear The Scream, by Edvard Munch. This is for a number of reasons,the least of which involves being in the silent vacuum of space

Logged back into my account, then was overtaken with the urge to log out. Promptly logged back in again. Then out once more. Then, in a trance-like state, proceeded to log in and out repeatedly ad infinitum until I lost track of space and time. My life became an unbearable endless loop of log ins and log outs as the years melted away, taking my youth and my sanity with them. I'm logged in right now, but for how long? Tell my story. My story of logging in and out. The people need to know. Also, good ep C+

Lightning storms? Knife fights? Racial slurs? Now this is the kind of teddy bear picnic I'm not ashamed to jerk off to.

Consider the infinity boner; waltzing recklessly through the dreams of your whore mother.

You can tune a fish's piano, but you can't pee an "O".

A coquettish elderly girl scout. A gruesomely disfigured carnival freak. Watch them take down big pharma, and dry-hump, next, on an all new "Blossom"

By all accounts it was a renegade chimney sweep, naked from the waist down, brandishing a flaming umbrella and speaking in tongues.

Back in my day, 3 wooden nickles and a flapdoodle got you a dollop of finger juice down at the roller derby, and Pearl Jam tickets were only $25

You're a damn fine cop Wiskowski, but you're reckless. Also you're just a watermelon with sunglasses on. Also I'm pregnant n I think you're the mother