CaptPukeFish

If you wanna make god laugh, tell him your plans. If you wanna make him aroused, play him my mixtape.

She didn't play by the rules, which i liked. She had an unwieldy amount of malodorous muppet dicks hanging from her ceiling, but I was in love.

Mama told me there'd be days like this..."Durrl be dafes." Mama had a bad lisp, a cleft palette, and was exceedingly literal.

Looks like the cat's outta the bag. And so much for my favorite bag, now generously imbued with the rancid urine of a transient cat. Fuck you cat.

Attention shoppers, "Sandpaper Dave" is no longer offering free handjobs inside the wicker wardrobe. Crate and Barrel apologizes for the inconvenience

It's that special time of year again, when Gary Busey starts mailing me pieces of his bones.

Unfortunately, there's nothing sexual about a Norwegian fish market, but sprinkle in some anal beads, and viola.

Protip: Unleash scorpions at your next company picnic, and pull out the scorpion anti-venom when panic ensues. Who's useless now, Janice?

If you're gonna dance with the devil, try to ignore his sweatpants boner.

Wipe your feet. Have a seat. Drink this mayonnaise. When the trumpet sounds a third time, that's when the swelling goes down.

Now take off the blindfold. That's right. They were bloody chicken beaks. Congratulations, you got the job.

Don't forget, Mother's day is just around the...oh fuck.

Relax and take notes, while I make jokes for you bitch-ass broke folks.

If I ran a colony of mimes, I could cut the tongues out of children and nobody would question it. Man, I was born in the wrong decade.

Your ratio of disappointment to relief after googling "Golden Girls Scissoring" says a lot about you. I'm a 70/30 guy myself.

If you like tradiitional family gatherings where nothing genuinely interesting happens, you're gonna love Ninja Monkey Fuck Mansion part 4!

Set your catch phrazers to pun! *rimshot *fart noise *slidewhistle *latin kings gang sign.

Now here's a terrible joke about listening to an audio recording of a famous Stephen King novel. Stop me if you've heard IT before.

Fun fact: I only masturbate to pre-World War II newspaper obituaries with circus music playing, but not for the reasons you would think.

The more I contemplate life and death, the more awesome I think it will be if everyone wears a Predator mask at my funeral.

It was a hobo on mushrooms shitting into the finger holes of a bowling bowl. The Hardy boys would need more than their sexy, boyish charm this time.

80s kids remember: Eating raw hamburger meat for breakfast and throwing yourself through a plate glass window every time a muppet baby was euthanized.

There is no sun Annie. These are the end times and the battle for your soul has begun. Stop singing and pray for death. Tomorrow the demons feast.

If the bird is the word, and "turd" is the next word, then the third word is "Peggy". My name is Peggy and a bird shit on my face.

We can put a fish on the moon, but we can't teach him to drink it.