I don’t think that’s what your doctor meant when he said you needed more vegetables in your body

[I don’t think that’s what your doctor meant when he said you needed more vegetables in your body]

I don’t think that’s what your doctor meant when he said you needed more vegetables in your body. 

 

 

[Sprinkle me with jimmies while I tinkle and I shimmy.]

Sprinkle me with jimmies while I tinkle and I shimmy.

[It turns out Chippendale’s has nothing to do with the cartoon chipmunks. I really shouldn’t have brought my kids there.]

It turns out Chippendale’s has nothing to do with the cartoon chipmunks. I really shouldn’t have brought my kids there.

[One Crazy Summer (1986)]

One Crazy Summer and Better Off Dead are both really unique and funny movies. 

[I don’t care if you did it all for the nookie, you’re not in charge of what I do with my thin mints.]

I don’t care if you did it all for the nookie, you’re not in charge of what I do with my thin mints. 

[I’m not speaking from experience, but I’m pretty sure the peanut butter is supposed to go on YOUR balls.]

I’m not speaking from experience, but I’m pretty sure the peanut butter is supposed to go on your balls.

[The Song Remains The Same, because my Led Zeppelin record keeps skipping.]

The Song Remains The Same, because my Led Zeppelin record keeps skipping. 

[Lentil soups give me gentle poops.]

Lentil soups give me gentle poops.

[It’s generallly genteel to be gentle with a gentile’s genitals.]

It’s generallly genteel to be gentle with a gentile’s genitals.

[When I asked you about the Louisiana Purchase, I didn’t mean the hooker you paid for in New Orleans.]

When I asked you about the Louisiana Purchase, I didn’t mean the hooker you paid for in New Orleans.

[Restraining order be damned, I’ll do what I please within a hundred feet of a Chuck E. Cheese.]

Restraining order be damned, I’ll do what I please within a hundred feet of a Chuck E. Cheese.

[Show me your diction and let’s make some young adult friction.]

Show me your diction and let’s make some young adult friction.

[Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head, because I’m being subjected to Chinese water torture.]

Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head, because I’m being subjected to Chinese water torture.

[Whether it’s yellow or brown, I go sitting down.]

Whether it’s yellow or brown, I go sitting down.

[His name may be Kotter, but he’s welcome back at surprisingly few places.]

His name may be Kotter, but he’s welcome back at surprisingly few places.

[Its a good thing curiosity killed the cat, because i never bought it any food.]

Its a good thing curiosity killed the cat, because i never bought it any food.

[When I hired you as my wedding DJ, what part of ‘Smash Mouth deep cuts only’ did you not understand?]

When I hired you as my wedding DJ, what part of ‘Smash Mouth deep cuts only’ did you not understand?

[I have a sugar daddy, and by that I mean my dad has diabetes.]

I have a sugar daddy, and by that I mean my dad has diabetes.

[I hate to break it you Van Morrison, but technically they’re all brown eyed girls.]

I hate to break it you Van Morrison, but technically they’re all brown eyed girls.

[Your pickle in pantsy tickles my fancy.]

Your pickle in pantsy tickles my fancy. 

[There are two mysteries that will never be solved: who killed Kennedy and who let the dogs out.]

There are two mysteries that will never be solved: who killed Kennedy and who let the dogs out.

[I’ll only marry ya if you show me your bathing suit area.]

I’ll only marry ya if you show me your bathing suit area.

[She blinded me with science...also with bleach. It was mostly the bleach that blinded me.]

She blinded me with science...also with bleach. It was mostly the bleach that blinded me.

[Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, ask him how the hell a grown ass man doesn’t know how to fish.]

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, ask him how the hell a grown ass man doesn’t know how to fish.

[My ramen restaurant slash strip club “Miso Horny” would have succeeded if it weren’t for all the soup burn lawsuits.]

My ramen restaurant slash strip club “Miso Horny” would have succeeded if it weren’t for all the soup burn lawsuits.