Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks, because I’m very hungry and I sleep in this baseball stadium at night.

[Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks, because I’m very hungry and I sleep in this baseball stadium at night.]

Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks, because I’m very hungry and I sleep in this baseball stadium at night.

[I made quinoa with mee maw and pee paw, and now my house smells like grains and bengay.]

I made quinoa with mee maw and pee paw, and now my house smells like grains and bengay.

[All that Vegemite didn’t sit with me right, and now I’ve got a case of the down under didgeridoo doos in my underoos.]

All that Vegemite didn’t sit with me right, and now I’ve got a case of the down under didgeridoo doos in my underoos.

[I covered my other lover in chunky peanut butter, and it made my girlfriend totally jelly.]

I covered my other lover in chunky peanut butter, and it made my girlfriend totally jelly.

 

[I hate to say I told you so, but “sexy Muppet Babies” was not a good idea for a Halloween costume.]

I hate to say I told you so, but “sexy Muppet Babies” was not a good idea for a Halloween costume.

[Gettin’ paid and gettin’ laid like Randy Quaid in Independence Daid]

Gettin’ paid and gettin’ laid like Randy Quaid in Independence Daid

[Always McBride’s maid, never Danny McBride]

Always McBride’s maid, never Danny McBride

[Call me crazy but... my psychiatrist says that the correct term for my condition is “mentally ill”.]

Call me crazy but... my psychiatrist says that the correct term for my condition is “mentally ill”.

[I may be a butter face, but that’s just ‘cuz I moisturize with Land O’ Lakes]

I may be a butter face, but that’s just ‘cuz I moisturize with Land O’ Lakes

[Get out and take your Jordan Peele blu-ray with you!]

Get out and take your Jordan Peele blu-ray with you!

[The world is still patiently waiting on Lou Bega to release his first four mambos.]

The world is still patiently waiting on Lou Bega to release his first four mambos.

[I went to the beach and got sand in my crack, but I’ll probably still smoke it anyway.]

I went to the beach and got sand in my crack, but I’ll probably still smoke it anyway.

[It’s a good thing that curiosity killed the cat, because I forgot to buy it food.]

It’s a good thing that curiosity killed the cat, because I forgot to buy it food.

[Every Friday I head down to TGI Fridays for a little something I like to call “TGI TGI Fridays Friday”.]

Every Friday I head down to TGI Fridays for a little something I like to call “TGI TGI Fridays Friday”.

[This Predator sequel starring his child is pretty good despite the title.]

This Predator sequel starring his child is pretty good despite the title.

[Easy on the rigatoni ya jabroni, my sweetie’s got diabetes]

Easy on the rigatoni ya jabroni, my sweetie’s got diabetes

[Today on the show we talkin’ Weehawken. Everyone’s 19th favorite place in New Jersey.]

Today on the show we talkin’ Weehawken. Everyone’s 19th favorite place in New Jersey.

[What’s up Auk-dawg?]

What’s up Auk-dawg?

[Feed me hot pockets and call me a liar, because I think my cargo pants just caught on fire.]

Feed me hot pockets and call me a liar, because I think my cargo pants just caught on fire.

[Just like I tell my butcher, "Don't skimp on the salami, mommy!". Mostly because my mom works in a butcher shop.]

Just like I tell my butcher, "Don't skimp on the salami, mommy!". Mostly because my mom works in a butcher shop.

[Call me by your name, but only two times if your name is beetlejuice.]

Call me by your name, but only two times if your name is beetlejuice.

[We're all just future ghosts that haven't been busted yet.]

We're all just future ghosts that haven't been busted yet.

[Don't be a fuddy duddy, peel that silly putty off my nutty buddy]

Don't be a fuddy duddy, peel that silly putty off my nutty buddy

[People who live in glass houses should have hired better contractors. Put some bricks in there why don't ya!]

People who live in glass houses should have hired better contractors. Put some bricks in there why don't ya!