You can take half my money, but you’ll get my bumper pool trophies when you pry them from my cold dead fingers, Sheila.

[You can take half my money, but you’ll get my bumper pool trophies when you pry them from my cold dead fingers, Sheila.]

You can take half my money, but you’ll get my bumper pool trophies when you pry them from my cold dead fingers, Sheila.

[The high prices at this prosthetic supply store are costing me an arm and a leg.]

The high prices at this prosthetic supply store are costing me an arm and a leg.

[Maybe I misunderstood the name, but my trip to Gobbler’s Knob was pretty disappointing.]

Maybe I misunderstood the name, but my trip to Gobbler’s Knob was pretty disappointing. 

[No more pencils, no more books. This school budget crisis is a serious problem.]

No more pencils, no more books. This school budget crisis is a serious problem. 

[Knick knack, Paddy whack. Paddy has an infamous knick knack fetish.]

Knick knack, Paddy whack. Paddy has an infamous knick knack fetish.

[THIRD Rock from the Sun? I haven’t even seen the first two!]

THIRD Rock from the Sun? I haven’t even seen the first two!

[My pants size in Russia is Siberian husky.]

My pants size in Russia is Siberian husky.

[When you’re here, you’re family. Because our family is squatting in this old abandoned Olive Garden.]

When you’re here, you’re family. Because our family is squatting in this old abandoned Olive Garden.

It wasn’t until a few weeks in that our supply of old breadsticks started to run out. But with the rats now taking control over the entire south wing, missing that tasty buttery goodness was the least of our worries. We managed to scare off building inspectors by making ghost noises from the kitchen, but deep down we knew they’d be back, and that our days in our palace of casual Italian dining were numbered. 

[Midas had a heart of gold, which ultimately led to his early death at the age of 43.]

Midas had a heart of gold, which ultimately led to his early death at the age of 43.

[I don’t like pistachios but I do enjoy bustin’ a nut.]

I don’t like pistachios but I do enjoy bustin’ a nut.

[I’d rather have Medusa turn me to stone than take a deuce bruh without my phone.]

I’d rather have Medusa turn me to stone than take a deuce bruh without my phone.

[YMCA? Because he was the best beastie boy, that’s why.]

Because fi. 

[I was but a wee lad when I ate fish sticks the for first time. The tar-tar sauce tasted simply divine.]

I was but a wee lad when I ate fish sticks for the first time. The tar-tar sauce tasted simply divine.

[Feed me hot pockets and call me a liar, ‘cause it looks like my cargo pants just caught on fire.]

Feed me hot pockets and call me a liar, ‘cause it looks like my cargo pants just caught on fire.

[Commando (1985)]

I love Commando, its such a fun action movie.  There are so many crazy moments in this to discuss.  Arnold jumps out of A PLANE taking off and doesn't get hurt.  He mows down what seems like hundreds of guards in the climatic battle without a scratch.   And Bennett...we need to talk about Bennett.

Shout out to Power Station for the epic end credits song: SOMEWHERE. SOMEHOW. SOMEONE.

[I got my Canadian tuxedo mixed up with my birthday suit and everyone saw my jeanie weenie.]

I got my Canadian tuxedo mixed up with my birthday suit and everyone saw my jeanie weenie.

[Never tangle with a guy in a Kangol because it’s probably Samuel L. Jackson.]

Never tangle with a guy in a Kangol because it’s probably Samuel L. Jackson.

[I like my lady parts like I like my sandwiches: with all the crust removed.]

It’s not that kind of show.

[In lieu of a plea regarding these arson charges, I’d like to play this Billy Joel song your honor.]

In lieu of a plea regarding these arson charges, I’d like to play this Billy Joel song your honor.

[They call me Rum Tum Tugger, because I’ve been kicked out of Cats three times for drunkenly masturbating.]

They call me Rum Tum Tugger, because I’ve been kicked out of Cats three times for drunkenly masturbating. 

[I ate sushi with Jim Belushi and Steve Doocy reported the sclusie.]

I ate sushi with Jim Belushi and Steve Doocy reported the sclusie.

[Well tickle my titties til my pants are shitties.]

Well tickle my titties til my pants are shitties.

[Comic Sanz comma Horatio.]

Comic Sanz comma Horatio.

[I have it on good authority that cake boss was not a fan of house of pies.]

I have it on good authority that cake boss was not a fan of house of pies.

[Captain Planet is the complete package. He cares about the environment and he’s packin’ a big blue dong.]

Captain Planet is the complete package. He cares about the environment and he’s packin’ a big blue dong.