If it’s alright with you I’d like to play devil’s advocate. I have the dvd right here and it’s my favorite Keanu Reeves movie.

[If it’s alright with you I’d like to play devil’s advocate. I have the dvd right here and it’s my favorite Keanu Reeves movie.]

If it’s alright with you I’d like to play devil’s advocate. I have the dvd right here and it’s my favorite Keanu Reeves movie.

[Come check out my cover band, we’re called Huey Lewis & The Fake News.]

Come check out my cover band, we’re called Huey Lewis & The Fake News.

[R.I.P. Cathy. She died of a heart attack AACK! AACK! AACK! AACK! AACK!]

You oughta know by now. 

[If you ever can’t tell Rod Stewart and Barry Manilow apart, just give your Aunt Linda a call.]

If you ever can’t tell Rod Stewart and Barry Manilow apart, just give your Aunt Linda a call.

[Bobbing for apples has way higher stakes as an adult, especially if you don’t have herpes yet.]

Bobbing for apples has way higher stakes as an adult, especially if you don’t have herpes yet.

[MySpace? More like pie face! Footnote to this catchphrase: I’m a clown and the year is 2005.]

MySpace? More like pie face! Footnote to this catchphrase: I’m a clown and the year is 2005.

[Thor’s favorite rapper is M.C. Hammer. Not because of the whole hammer thing, he just has really bad taste in rap music.]

Thor’s favorite rapper is M.C. Hammer. Not because of the whole hammer thing, he just has really bad taste in rap music.

[Maury Povich is the only person who’s gonna wang Chung tonight.]

Maury Povich is the only person who’s gonna wang Chung tonight.

“Everybody have fun tonight” was Connie Chung and Maury Povich’s first dance at their wedding. The lie dectector test determined that was a lie. 

[G.I. Joe? Gee, I don't know!]

G.I. Joe? Gee, I don't know!

[It's Jimmy Eat's world and we're all just living in it.]

It's Jimmy Eat's world and we're all just living in it.

[Gather round to hear the tragic tale of Johnny the cobra juggler. He died from auto-erotic asphyxiation behind a Kmart.]

Gather round to hear the tragic tale of Johnny the cobra juggler. He died from auto-erotic asphyxiation behind a Kmart.

[Fight Club would have made more money at the box office if they hadn’t insisted that nobody talk about it]

Fight Club would have made more money at the box office if they hadn’t insisted that nobody talk about it.

[I’m really into man buns, but not the kind you’re thinking of.]

I’m really into man buns, but not the kind you’re thinking of.

[I’m pro GMO, because who doesn’t like a big rockin’ pair of chicken titties.]

I’m pro GMO, because who doesn’t like a big rockin’ pair of chicken titties.

[I don’t like Honky Tonk. I prefer Caucasian-American Tonk, thank you very much.]

I don’t like Honky Tonk. I prefer Caucasian-American Tonk, thank you very much.

[If you sync up Dark Side of the Moon with the movie White Chicks, nothing happens. It just makes White Chicks really hard to follow.]

If you sync up Dark Side of the Moon with the movie White Chicks, nothing happens.  It just makes White Chicks really hard to follow.

[I’m putting you on speaker phone, we can’t get your Nana’s dial-up to load hampsterdance.com]

I’m putting you on speaker phone, we can’t get your Nana’s dial-up to load hampsterdance.com

[Whenever Andy Serkis goes to a family reunion he’s with the family Serkis.]

Whenever Andy Serkis goes to a family reunion he’s with the family Serkis.

[Whenever Chris Pratt falls he’s just doing a pratfall.]

Whenever Chris Pratt falls he’s just doing a pratfall.

[I’m not saying I’m a ladies man, but I just met this Apple store employee at the Genius Bar and she’s already got her hands on my dongle.]

I’m not saying I’m a ladies man, but I just met this Apple store employee at the Genius Bar and she’s already got her hands on my dongle.

[Forget Ben Affleck and Christian Bale. I thought Val Kilmer was supposed to be Batman Forever.]

Forget Ben Affleck and Christian Bale. I thought Val Kilmer was supposed to be Batman Forever.

[We’re doing Thanksgiving at Aunt Karen’s this year, so I hope you like vodka tampons and Weekend at Bernie’s 2.]

We’re doing Thanksgiving at Aunt Karen’s this year, so I hope you like vodka tampons and Weekend at Bernie’s 2.

[Meats and cheeses, teats and squeezes. Take a number at the dirty deli.]

Meats and cheeses, teats and squeezes. Take a number at the dirty deli.

[That’s how life goes, you forget to wear pants ONE time and suddenly you’re “not welcome back at Six Flags anymore”.]

That’s how life goes, you forget to wear pants ONE time and suddenly you’re “not welcome back at Six Flags anymore”.

[Kelsey Grammer ordered me too much food at brunch, and now I don’t know what to do with those tossed salad and scrambled eggs.]

Kelsey Grammer ordered me too much food at brunch, and now I don’t know what to do with those tossed salad and scrambled eggs.