TootyBut2DButt

The person who asked, “what is the sound of one hand clapping?” has a fundamental misunderstanding of what clapping is.

David Fincher? I hardly know her! What’s this now? You’re telling me David is a man’s name?!?

The police busted a nut; it was a cashew.

To take my mind off the current situation I’ve gotten into collecting things and I started with unemployment benefits.

I’m a fan of genitals in general, but I’m a bigger fan of genitals in Generals. Here’s lookin at you Patton and MacArthur.

I’m not saying the world has gotten worse but when I was a kid if you had a muffin and orange juice for breakfast people thought you were being healthy.

Let’s just say my ass has spent a lot of time in Red Lobster.

I always carry a gun when I’m menstruating, it’s a period piece.

Two things you need to know about me, I’m very politically correct and my favorite sex position is reverse cowperson.

Okay Gilgamesh, now that was epic.

In darkest night, on tallest mountain, I saw her pissing, into the fountain.

I tried to follow my dreams but they got a restraining order against me.

Don’t think of me as impotent, think of me as al dente.

I hate being the third wheel when I hang out with friends, especially once the sex starts.

It’s thyme to nutmeg, I’m cumin.

Here’s an OJ verdict for you; pulp sucks.

Why do we always have time for Tickle-Me-Elmo but never for Tickle ME, Elmo?

I don’t care if Lester Holt is going to be there I’m not going to something called “a fart party”.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is probably running a lot of errands for people.

You may have made lemonade out of lemons but I made milk out of lemons, so who’s the optimist now!

I put an “about the author” page in my autobiography because fuck you!

Sound of light, sound of speed, you'll never guess how fast I peed.

I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep 'cause I'd miss you babe, and I don't have object permanence.

Blaming your pants for making your butt look fat is very petty.

There’s nothing more embarrassing than cumming on your own face, except for cumming on your own face while on Jeopardy. That Trebek is a real kink-shamer.