TootyBut2DButt

If you want to read more books, I'd recommend reading shorter books.

I've got an addictive personality; people can't get enough of my personality.

I saw a baseball sized spider, it was terrifying, then I saw a spider sized baseball; equally terrifying.

It’s only worth getting a warranty for your penis if it’s extended.

Rupaul is trying to make drag racing an Olympic sport.

Being a chick magnet is fun until you work with another chick magnet and you magnetically repel each other.

You make me sick. Not the fun sick where you lay in bed eating soup and watching Cheers, the bad sick, where you have diarrhea so stinky your wife leaves you.

Prepare to have your funny-bones ticked, your knees slapped and while you’re distracted your left kidney removed and sold for a profit.

Other countries need to start posting videos of their citizens saying dumb shit. That would make me feel a lot better.

One must never forget the spice trade.

I’m all about two things; lukewarm beer and average sized titties.

When I suckle at the teat, I take it neat.

If I were The Weekend I'd constantly be signing "everybody's working for the weekend" at my employees.

My roomba does zumba with Timon and Pumbaa.

Bottle of red, bottle of white and that’s all the blood and semen my hospital will need tonight.

You have the right to rap about historical figures, anything you say can and will be choreographed into a spectacular dance number. These are your Lin-Manuel Miranda Rights.

He's all Hamilton, I'm all wham-bam-thank-you-Ma'amilton.

If Bill Gates is going to put chips inside people make them sour cream and onion.

They never talk about about what a fuck machine Gorbachev was.

If you live in an impoverished rural area, work a blue collar job and society doesn’t respect you; you might be a redneck.

When you get a new laptop always play the song Loser to make sure it passes the “Beck Dell” test.

Just because you are a jerk off doesn’t mean you could beat me in a jerk off.

My wife thinks I’m some kind of joke, just because I’m a chicken who works as a crossing guard.

Over the lips and past the gums to grandmother’s house we go.

Quality ingredients, better dildos.