alfredosolisfuentes

Australia called. They want their boomerang back

Ladies and gentlemen, a squirrel on cocaine eating spaghetti!

The only thing we have to fear is that weird guy with the machine gun across the street. I’m going to distract him by throwing this squirrel at him. Wish me luck.

The ocean might be deep but not as deep as the Richard Kelly film Southland Tales

I spent the last 3 days watching the entirety of According To Jim and I don’t regret it.

Either Grimace dies or we all die. Choose wisely Ronald

Strap me up to the top of a van and make it loud. It’s Comedy Bang Bang

Gonna do something crazy like jump off a building or tell my dad I love him

Everyone just ignores the fact that Shakespeare intended Hamlet to be played by a pig and it sickens me

In Soviet Russia I lost my virginity.

Who are you to judge? And that concludes our closing statement your honor.

You can lead a horse to water and you can push a cow off a building but if you make that chicken pilot that helicopter, I will never tell you the location of the magic key that unlocks the soul portal

We are all the protagonist of our own stories and Gary Busey plays the love interest in every single one of them.

To be or not be an influencer. That is what it’s all about baby. Now let’s do cocaine.

My compliments to the chef but the waiter is a large weirdo so I will be executing all the hostages per our agreement. Better luck next time.

The pen is mightier than the sword but it’s still no match for Hulk’s penis

Kelsey Grammer had a one night stand with my best friend and I’m writing a book about it

I will never spit on you but you can spit on me right now

I want to see a fight between The Human Torch and my 7th grade gym teacher who made fun of my Brady Bunch lunch box. He HATED Fire.

I can only lie if I’m told to. That’s a lie. Got ya, you bitch.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but joke’s on you I’m into that

I don’t know who you are but I suppose I can drive you to the airport. You can stop pointing that gun at me now, please.

There is no ham in hamburgers and for that reason alone I must jump off this building and into that bin full of hot caramel. I might not survive

Having mashed potato hands would be inconvenient

This penis isn’t going to circumcise itself unless you command it to