alfredosolisfuentes

You know what they say. If you can’t beat em, eat them. Obviously you gotta kill them first, so give a call to my cousin, Tire. He will take care of it.

Beans beans they’re good for your heart. The more you eat the more your nose grows. Eventually it falls off your face making you permanently disfigured. If this has happened to you, call 1800-BEAN. You may be entitled to compensation.

You know what they say. Using scissors for a circumcision is a crazy idea. So crazy, it might just work.

This show will not be funny but it is part of a balanced breakfast, so that’s a win

You can’t judge a book by its cover. You gotta judge it by how long the fingers of the author are. You don’t want to read something by some short-fingered freak

Two wrongs don’t make a right unless you smash them together with a big hammer who can rap and dance. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the MC Hammer comeback tour 2019!

My favorite Pixar movie is Cars and that doesn’t make me a creepy weirdo

You don’t grow an afro to be cool. You grow it to trick people into giving you money because they think you are Kenny G

A thick taint would make me faint

Why kill 2 birds with one stone when you could kill 1 million germs with Windex? Available at your local store for only $19.99

I hereby endorse Wacky McFartman for President of the Ministry of Very Serious Names.

You better believe I can snap my toes

If you slurp, you burp. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Some people love Batman, some people love Spider-Man but everybody loves Michael Mann. You can catch his new film Miami Vice 2, in theaters this Friday

Opinions are like buttholes, delicious.

I came here to chew bubble gum and kick-ass. And I’ve done both so I have fulfilled my end of the bargain, now let my pet penguin out of the Phantom zone

Motorcycles are for lawyers

I’ll show you what a real man can do. Now, observe as I eat 500 mangos. Hope you have no plans tonight.

What you are about to listen is so powerful it will turn you into a greasy clown. You’ve been warned

With all due respect, respect is for losers who smell really good but are still losers

Here’s your daily dose of giraffe wisdom

I’ve been calling Willem Dafoe William Daphone my whole life and I’m not quitting now

Companies these days practically beg you to eat a live beaver right in front of them just so they can say they’ve seen your soul. I support it.

You can lead a horse to water but Mr. Hoofington isn’t just any horse. He’s a master swordsman and will cut your arm off if you come near him.

I can’t wait to talk about my perky little pecs