I just got a great deal on a pair of baby shoes, never even worn!

[I just got a great deal on a pair of baby shoes, never even worn!]

I just got a great deal on a pair of baby shoes, never even worn!

[If I may interject, the correct word is hanged, not hung. Your father hanged himself. But I digress.. so you're staying in this evening?]

If I may interject, the correct word is hanged, not hung. Your father hanged himself. But I digress..  so you're staying in this evening?

[If eating ass is weird, consider me Al Yankovic]

If eating ass is weird, consider me Al Yankovic

[Heads up, my first guest is a real scumbag. I recommend skipping the first half hour of the show.]

Heads up, my first guest is a real scumbag. I recommend skipping the first half hour of the show.

[Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, shoot a milky wad tonight]

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, shoot a milky wad tonight

[Did someone fart in here or are we finally having that leftover turkey?]

I've never wanted a submission to win more than I want this one to win

[Let’s duck-rabbit this fuck habit.]

Dag nabbit

[The ice man cometh, but he makes sure the ice woman cometh first]

The ice man cometh, but he makes sure the ice woman cometh first

[Rectum? Damn near scrotum!]

Rectum? Damn near scrotum!

[Let's not beat around the bush... I'm here to skeet upon your tush]

Let's not beat around the bush... I'm here to skeet upon your tush

[Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang! I have to level with you here folks, this week's guests are pretty bad, even by our standards. But there's always next week right?]

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang! I have to level with you here folks, this week's guests are pretty bad, even by our standards. But there's always next week right?

[If at first you don't succeed, put new socks upon your feet. But if at twice you fail once more, rub your dick against a door.]

If at first you don't succeed, put new socks upon your feet. But if at twice you fail once more, rub your dick against a door.

[Unfortunately this week we have decided to put an end to our long-standing tradition of picking a new catchphrase submitted by our listeners. The catchphrases were becoming too vulgar and childish. Now go fart on your boner you fucking puke face.]

Unfortunately this week we have decided to put an end to our long-standing tradition of picking a new catchphrase submitted by our listeners. The catchphrases were becoming too vulgar and childish. Now go fart on your boner you fucking puke face.

[It’s not funny ... my ass is on fire]

Mr Bungle

[A hand in the bush is worth two in the pink]

A hand in the bush is worth two in the pink

[The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time to plant a tree was 19 years and 364 days ago. Today is a shitty day to plant a tree compared to every day since then. You had twenty years, what the fuck were you doing?]

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time to plant a tree was 19 years and 364 days ago. Today is a shitty day to plant a tree compared to every day since then. You had twenty years, what the fuck were you doing?

[Don't shit on my leg and tell me it's raining shit]

Don't shit on my leg and tell me it's raining shit

[Well spit on my dick, it's free-handjob Nick!]

Well spit on my dick, it's free-handjob Nick!

[Eye of the tiger, nose of a dog, give me a buck and I'll show you my hog.]

[If you are bad, then I'm your dad. If you're the bomb, then be my mom. But if you must queef, then we've got beef!]

If you are bad, then I'm your dad. If you're the bomb, then be my mom. But if you must queef, then we've got beef!

[Penis as peen does]

Penis as peen does

[If my dog was as ugly as you, I would shave his butt and train him to understand that people love him for his companionship, quirky personality and most of all his bangin shaved turd cutter.]

If my dog was as ugly as you, I would shave his butt and train him to understand that people love him for his companionship, quirky personality and most of all his bangin shaved turd cutter.

[I'll bet you dollars to donuts this economy moves toward a fried pastry-based currency]

I'll bet you dollars to donuts this economy moves toward a fried pastry-based currency

[Exchanging commodities and/or labor for money is my business, and business is good]

Exchanging commodities and/or labor for money is my business, and business is good

[The CDC can C Deez nuts. They must wash their hands though.]

The CDC can C Deez nuts. They must wash their hands though.