StopEatingBees

God created balls just to give comedians something they'll never be funnier than

I once borrowed a hat from Jason Mraz, now I'm just him

Ants eat cum. What you do with that information is up to you, but there is no righteous path forward from here.

Could Dr. Dre heal the patients that Hammer hurt?

I can't shake this mental image of Rainn Wilson as Galactus

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, yo ho ho and time to clear my browser history

Snitches in time get stitches in time, and it doesn't even save them nine

Poor privilege is when a roach scurries across your foot and you just greet him by name. Sup Gavin

Hey now, MISTER E. Cheese is my father! W... um, WAS... my father. I- I'm sorry, it's still pretty new. Anyway, I'm, uh... I'm Chuck.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results", I said while masturbating

I've never looked into what a Hoochie Coochie Man actually is. Even as a child I knew it was none of my business.

If you're cold, they're cold. Put your balls away.

If you can't beat 'em, you just need to get better at nunchucks

They better shoot another gorilla soon, I need a good reason to take my dick out

Find a penny, screw the luck, leave it there, cuz pennies suck

Not all who wander are lost. For example, I myself am looking for dead bodies

First they came for the gays, and I did not speak up, because my mouth was full of dong

I don't know how to abuse the power of that title, but I'd find a way

Amelia Bedelia killed Humpty Dumpty because she had to make egg drop soup

Couldn't find the dog that bit me, but I've got the hair of several dogs that I bit

Being a vending machine snack is like waiting to get pushed off a cliff by your evil twin

No statute of limitations on murdering that puss

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, which wasn't yellow when I got there. High five.

I know Mom's not around anymore, so I'm just gonna have to suck it twice as hard, for both of us

Ever try to start your car with your house key? Embarrassing. But what if it worked?