StopEatingBees

My phone doesn't recognize my face unless I'm getting pegged. How can it tell?

I'll never be one of those losers living in my mom's basement, because my parents are dead

Hershey is the only company in the world that can kill dogs and still get a highway named after them

Lo, but don't behold.

I guess Margot Frank's diary must've been pretty meat & potatoes

Someone else shit in my pants but I don't know how to prove it

I instantly punch every swan in the face on the off chance that it's actually Zeus in a swan costume, and so should you

People who eat grapes instead of drinking wine are probably just fruit pedophiles

Eat your enemy's heart to gain his courage. His brain, to steal his wisdom. His balls, because they're delicious.

I am serious! And thank you for calling me Shirley, for indeed that is my name

My neighbors are so weird. They have a jar full of sperm in their refrigerator. And they still haven't noticed!

Are Mr. Peanut's balls just his whole body

Your next burrito could be full of toothpaste. Probably won't be, but you never know for sure.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose. There's nothing you can't pick, because you have special picking powers and it's a miracle

Everyone LOVES talking shit about the mad scientist until they get zapped with the babyfication ray. Then look who comes crawling back

Yeah, well if time is relative then how come I don't wanna have sex with it

There's no "I" in "team", but there is an "oh, you pee?" in "group". And that's something we should've known about you before you joined our baseball group.

I fell into a bottomless pit but it's just a shallow ditch full of dudes with their dicks hanging out. I love it here.

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold. I bedazzled my poop. Now we wait.

do you think that Christian cucumber from Veggie Tales has ever been put up a butt

Please help control the pet population, have your pet hanged for treason

All right lift, separate and listen, I'm a bra, go ahead, stuff your tits in

Hey girl, are you Chopin's Revelutionary Etude? Because I'll pretend to be interested in you to impress my friends, but I'm really into fat chicks

It's morphin' time! But into responsible adults with careers

I like the temperature of my popsicles the way I like the age I was molested by Father Reid. 30.