StopEatingBees

Fingers signing on the dotted line, show me that you love me and let's flip a house together. RE/MAX, turn around and sell my land

Every hole is a glory hole if you're not afraid of getting your dongle chomped by a wild beast of the land or sea

Every little thing she does is magic. Burn her! Burn the witch!

I always thought my penis was pretty liberal but now I can see it leans to the right

If you could get out of my dreams AND my car, that'd be ideal

Know what else lifts and separates? Tectonic shifts coupled with volcanic activity. But go on about your lame tits.

Burnt Toast incense is super fun to light down at the nursing home

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses. Amazon never has enough guys.

He died doing what he loved: jerking it in his car while driving

Last woman I slept with told me I had a baby dick. As though I'd have just thrown away the rest of the baby.

When the moon hits your eye, call the fuzz on that guy! That's assault, bro.

All the world's a vampire! And all the men and women merely rats in cages

I couldn't work up the nerve to break up with my girlfriend, so I convinced her to play Monopoly with me. Now she's in prison.

The doors on the bus go, "It's just not the same without Jim Morrison." All through the town.

Rabbit season, duck season, what difference does it make? Just pick one and have sex with it, Elmer

A fun, free way to clear up intestinal blockage is to yell "bomb" in an airport. They'll sort it out.

The first guy to eat sushi off a naked woman probably just really hated doing dishes

Yeah, Marvel's Thor is pretty awesome, but you know who REALLY cranks it up to 11? Jesus Christ.

I'm a little teapot, short and stout, this existence is torture, I'd ask you to kill me but I don't even know how to die

If you get a BJ from the Hamburger Helper guy, it still counts as a handjob

Floyd Mayweather makes $100 million per fight. Last time I fisted a guy in public, all I got was my watch stolen

Brought a knife to a gunfight the other day. Stabbed both the gun guys. They were like, whaaat

Hey girl, are you Waldo? Because I just read a book that taught me all about invading your privacy for no ethically defendable reason

Not ONE painter asked Jesus to strike a fun pose while he was on the cross? Amateurs

She told me she likes subs. Now I gotta pretend to be a submissive, sandwich-loving U-boat captain just to cover all the bases.