StopEatingBees

I'm not always on the edge of my seat, but when I am, it's a bicycle seat. And it's working my taint like the Konami code

Seriously, it gets in the crevices and dries there, you can smell it for like four days

Necessity is the mother of invention, but who's the father? We'll find out next on an all-new Maury

I heard there was a secret chord, it was pretty bad, the Lord shit His pants

A dance crew walks into a bar, and they get SERVED

It's 5 o'clock somewhere, get me a drink! But it's also breakfast somewhere, so put eggs in it.

I guess you'd say, what can make me feel this way? NyQuil

One of us tells only truth, the other only lies! The admission of which... sorta means I'm the truth guy. Dammit. Just go left.

Don't think of it as losing a kidney, think of it as gaining a tub full of ice

Quoth the raven, "Go to bed Edgar, it's midnight you spooky bitch"

I'm too lazy to finish the Hokey Pokey, but I really need my right hand back to eat this frosting with

Separating fact from fiction is easy. To separate fat from friction, now that takes powders.

Batman is the only member of the Justice League who I don't think would chow down on the puss

Wait, if this is lipstick, then where's my dog's wiener? Hoo boy, I've gotta warn Rachel

Babies are a lot like testicles, in that kicking them does nothing to counteract state-sponsored terror

The only difference between me and Superman is a costume made of dodgeball skin, and superpowers

Whether in the business world or the subway station, always look out for number one

Don't CRY because it's over, SMILE because you found family porn in your stepmom's browser history

Hell is for children, so for legal reasons I guess I can't really go there after all

It is not enough to Whip. Others must Nae Nae.

Wake up Maggie, I think I've got something to say to you. Also the cops are here because you're a pedophile

God only hooked up with a virgin because it was his first time too

I can relate, child of an irritable alcoholic parent hurling beer mugs at you - I also dodged the draft a couple times before it finally got me.

Yo mama so charitable she spells words wrong on purpose so she can donate the Type O to the Red Cross

Did you fall from Heaven? Because if so, you may be entitled to financial compensation.