StopEatingBees

Would anyone like to buy some drugs? I, Scott Aukerman, sell illegal drugs to make ends meet

Eat, Pray, Love. Good book. Even better reverse mantis porn.

Yo mama so generous she opened a Gmail account so she could donate the spam to her local food bank.

I heard Urkel contracted polio. It's a rare condition, this day and age.

Y'all muthafuckas need Cheez-Its

Sorry Mario, but the princess is in another castle! Why'd they also kidnap seven dick-shaped Toads, you ask? Figure it out

Are your boobs abusive parents, because they're raising a dick

Kids are like pancakes. The first one seems all right, then they get harder and harder to eat after that

Legend tells of a man who stayed on the phone for 100 minutes and received free car insurance

Before you judge Dr. Frankenstein, jog a mile in his shoes. That way, he can reanimate the dead body you find whilst jogging, plus you have his shoes

To paraphrase the famous last words of Abraham Lincoln, "Ow, fuck"

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes back. And it wants feet pics

The peanut is neither a pea nor a nut, but what I just did to your mom's face is both

Said Simple Simon to the pieman, "Let me taste your wares!" Said the pieman to Simple Simon, "You're 18, right?"

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. This will strengthen your punchin' muscles. NOW you're ready to kill the bastards.

Rudolph, since your nose is red, go be my brake lights instead

In Soviet Russia, Sandman enters you. Sleep with one eye open!

To err is human, to create a boulder so heavy that even you yourself can't lift it is divine

An apple a day keeps the doctor away! Except Dr. Applefucker. It's just a surname but they still don't keep him away.