StopEatingBees

Permission to treat God as my hostile witness, your honor

I remember watching The Wiener van Lesbian Show growing up

In the land of the blind, just say you have one eye. Who's gonna call you out? Some blind guy?

I tried not to feel sad about "That's What She Said" jokes going out of style, but in the end, I took it really hard

It comes out of mine! Of course, that's where it goes in

The main lesson from Cinderella and The Wizard of Oz is that women love to wear beautiful yet wildly uncomfortable shoes.

Frankly, ZZ Top, I think a song about a woman who DOESN'T have legs would be way more interesting.

Did you see Fievel Does Dallas?

Yes, Tim Allen played a huge role in my childhood. And yes, I've been fingered. Are those facts related? Yes.

He didn't even do it in character, it was bullshit

As a man, I'll never know the miracle of childbirth. Hopefully I can at least be the one who leaves it on the fire house steps.

I sing the body electric. I dance the body steam-powered. But those coal-burning bodies are the ones you really wanna fuck

I'm writing a sequel to Smooth Criminal that's all about Annie's road to physical and emotional recovery

Fuck

Wish I could tell my coworkers about how I came on the pants I'm wearing without things getting weird, it's a REAL funny story

I'm every woman, it's all in me. We all went to the bathroom together and it turned out to be a teleporter, now we're a unified physical amalgamate

Oh, did Stephen Hawking have a wheelchair? I'm sorry, I don't SEE furniture.

Boss Baby is completely unrealistic. You could just kick his ass

I'd like porn better if they didn't always cut out the scene where they fall in love

It's not the size of the wave, it's the size of your penis. Why would you even bring up the ocean when we're about to do it

I'm hung like a horse, so suck it dry and lead me to water

At 8:00 pm Tuesday night, the Hamburglar was put to death. A special sauce tear rolls down the cheek of Mayor McCheese. He was loved - truly loved- and always would be.

Man, it's weird how every ghost is a great speller

Additional Rush-flavored catchphrase!

Sir Mix-a-Lot's hips must be unbelievably honest