StopEatingBees

It's not kombucha, I just farted in your sweet tea.

Can they make a Fleshlight that's ALSO a flashlight? I just wanna know I've got the right one in the dark without feeling for lips

Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she'll carry it with her to the grave, the unfathomable weight of formless guilt. No, wait. It's makeup or something.

I drive a Volkswagen Beetle, because it's illegal for me to punch your kids, but I do want them to be punched.

I swear my balls are taking turns on which one's gonna be in the middle. Feels braided down there

The lotion said to "apply liberally", so I put it on and aborted all my neighbor's guns

All those ninja weapons, and in the end, all it took to defeat the Ninja Turtles was this single plastic straw

Though thine biscuit be whisk'rous, thou shan't be my mistress

Man, I can't believe Uncle Wienercheeks turned out to be a pervert

What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches, the other killed my dad & made it look like a suicide

Kinda wild that a travel company hired Captain Kirk to be their mascot and they never made him say any Kirk shit

It's a misconception that the tryptophan in turkeys makes you sleepy. It's actually Ambien residue, your turkey had a habit.

I'll do the one thing Meatloaf won't do for love. Eat butt? Eat two butts? Doesn't matter, I'm in.

Can monkeys be vampires? Follow-up question, what's the sign language for "I invite you into my home"?

If you spit in the fire sprinkler pipes at JC Penney and light a match, you technically own everything in the store

Free healthcare if you can beat your doctor in an arm wrestling match

Sperm. That's the new catchphrase. Sperrrrmmm.

Girl, are you a watermelon? Because I wanna have sex with you, then eat your body

If it's a PERMANENT marker then why did all my pubes just wash off in the shower?

Don't bite the hand that feeds you, bite the wiener. Dunno why but the hand gives you extra Cheerios for that

Hear me out - a cat with 40 old ladies to take care of. Get back at me Mark Cuban

I used to be a cop on Tattooine, before I got kicked off "The Force", for using excessive "The Force"

Everybody knows you've gotta jerk off before any big court date. Also during.

Shoot for the moon, for even if you miss, at least you tried to kill that werewolf-enabling ball of bitch

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm Fat Bastard, lemme eat ya baby