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Everything posted by StopEatingBees

  1. Man, bolt cutters don't SAY that they're dick cutters, but I guess they're a tool of many talents
  2. Breastfeeding may be better for the baby but at least I can stare at formula with a vacant gaze and nobody calls 911
  3. The dish ran away with the spoon. Good to find out she's a whore before our wedding date, but it still hurts.
  4. My body is a Wonderland, now make like Alice
  5. The Mask, but it's just Jim Carrey hallucinating his own cartoon antics while being genuinely shot
  6. This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a jerkoff
  7. Let's make like a tree and allow small rodents to nest in our holes
  8. I'm like a banana - if you peel my skin off and throw it on the floor, you could slip & hurt yourself
  9. If we weren't supposed to eat babies, God wouldn't have made them delicious
  10. If you hate garlic, you're not invited into my house whether you're a vampire or not
  11. Your first genie wish should be for him to kick himself in the nuts. That way, maybe he won't grant your second wish ironically.
  12. Thought I felt something on my dick just now, but I guess it was just God's eyes
  13. Maybe this is the one, the one I won't come back from
  14. Peter Piper drank a pack of Dr. Peppers
  15. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey, tighty-whitey, Gary Busey
  16. Can't, too busy removing Waldo from all your kid's Waldo books
  17. The bottomless steak fries at Red Robin weren't wearing panties sure enough, but somehow I still feel misled.
  18. Do they make a butt plug that's also a fishing pole or am I gonna have to get crafty
  19. On the 4th day of Christmas, here's 4 more goddamn birds
  20. Girl, are you a Greek goddess, because your tits are out and your arms are gone
  21. Hi, I'm Jim Morrison, and this is my dad, Morris Jimsdad
  22. Just drank a pot of coffee. I'm still tired, but at least my turds are motivated.
  23. Avoidhavingsexwithgrapefruitorgrapefruitjuice
  24. If a hot goblin king with a huge dong ever kidnaps me, maybe just mind your business.
  25. Is that what that is