Kevllis

Danger’s not my middle name

I just got here tho I guess I’ve always been self conscious about using my standard profile name, and not some kooky name like DonJuanSawMyButthole, or something

You say potato, I say what about potatoes, what is it with you and these fuckin potatoes?

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!!...... they, the organized crime family of course

Those are just fish trying to keep us out

I thought I just cut the quick, but doctor says I lost a bunch of my pinky

Now that I figured out my cat Maebel is actually a boy, it’s pretty weird that I’ve been kissing him on the mouth this whole time

Cats are really just smaller, domesticated versions of bigger cats

Well if you think you’re better than me, Randall Park, why don’t you fucking host this show- YOURE the one who’s a loser!

after a long night of eating skittles and watching YouTube alone, end it with alka-seltzer heartburn reliefchews: they’re still *kinda* like skittles

Get tha fuuck outta here!...... how many times has this been suggested yet??

Gymnasts must go through an awful amount of mental gymnastics

Can someone massage my feet without all the direct eye contact?

To all the fathers out there on this day..... YOU’RE NOT ME REAL DAD!

Hey The Kinks- get with the times, nobody knows what a “party line” is anymore

If you’re over at my place, and we’re about to hook up, and you tell me you’ve never seen “I Think You Should Leave” then I think you should.....stay, because I’m so fucking lonely... please stay

Hey Scott, I’ve been to a Weird Al show, and he does say what’s up hotdog! God bless

My therapist is real annoyed with my “yes, and” style of deflection

“BLUE, YOU’RE MY BOY” HAHAHA what an old school reference from a movie I can’t remember the name of

That’s a knife, and this is also a knife. We both have knives- hello this is Crocodile Dundee, and I think you suck

Copy and past Copy and past Copy and past Copy and past Cop.... pee and PA St..? a cop is peeing on Pennsylvania street?!!! -now let me just hit delete on this catchphrase

Dr. Chet said I need prescription socks

Hens, laundry, lettuce, dogs, Wendy’s........ boot

Everything’s “farm to table” when you live at a Kroger’s

Hackers of the world- unit!