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Vampires (1998)

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33% on RT. #1 the weekend it opened, but yet ... it's a horrible piece of monkey poo. Starring James Woods, Daniel Baldwin, & Sheryl Lee, it was conceived as a vampire western. I saw this in the theater and there's some crazy shit in here, including Vatican-sanctioned vampire slayers that party with prostitutes, a vampire bisecting a guy using his bare arm, and the choice lines "A master vampire, able to walk in the sunlight, unstoppable. Unless we stop him" and "Via con dios, slayer." If anyone remembers anything else about this movie, please pile on.

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Holy Eff you are absolutely right - John Carpenters Vampires is probably one of THE WORST movies ever made! And yes it is full of sheer stupidity, WTF moments and just awesome badness and is everything the HDTGM guys would ever want!

 

*I STILL remember the soundtrack.. sounding like an older dude who was dicking around with 'midi compositions' oh gad.. and the movie had that Baldwin everyone hates.

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*I STILL remember the soundtrack.. sounding like an older dude who was dicking around with 'midi compositions' oh gad..

 

and that older dude was the director himself, John Carpenter, who scored all his movies. And yes, it was all bad synthesizer stuff. The score to Halloween worked, but besides that ...

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and that older dude was the director himself, John Carpenter, who scored all his movies. And yes, it was all bad synthesizer stuff. The score to Halloween worked, but besides that ...

 

Carpenter has actually done a ton of really cool film scores besides Halloween. Big Trouble, Christine, The Fog, etc. He also worked with Ennio Morricone on the score to The Thing.

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This would be amazing, it's such a great bad movie. The sequel is even better, Bon Jovi versus vampires! Seriously, who casts the leads in these movies. In the first one we get paunchy, lisping, middle aged James Woods as the lead vampire hunter. Who, by the way, wears a fucking leather jacket the whole movie(this was filmed in the new mexico desert). And then in the sequel they throw a Bon Jovi at us.

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From what I remember about this movie is that Daniel Baldwin's character is always eating something until he becomes a vampire.

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Terrible movie, but I loved it. I just sit back and laugh my ass off every time I see it. Why all the action scenes are slow-mo montages I'll never figure out. Drained the movie of all energy. And Carpenter's score was plain annoying. But James Woods, man, I just fucking loved him in this. He makes it watchable...

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and that older dude was the director himself, John Carpenter, who scored all his movies. And yes, it was all bad synthesizer stuff. The score to Halloween worked, but besides that ...

 

oh no lol! I just remember thinking it was one of those early little Windows 95 midi-keyboard programs. I mean literally your keyboard keys became your 'piano keys' and our teacher was dicking around like he made little songs.

 

So with that in mind - this movie almost seems like Carpenters 'Star Wars Prequels' where nobody around him seemed to be available to say "Dude.. i know you made cult classics but John... no, this movie (and your 'soundtrack') is REALLY BAD. I mean its horrible!

 

Lando wrote:

"From what I remember about this movie is that Daniel Baldwin's character is always eating something until he becomes a vampire."

I swear I haven't seen this movie in 10 years and yet I am absolutely sure you are right about that,

and,

I also remember his character was a massive and violent.. basically a psychopath and violent bastard and I think possibly beat up female team members?

But the other humans seem to accept this or ignore it. In a way that wasn't how any actual humans would react (or not react to).

Okay.. I definitely have to watch this again because I wonder if its really as bad as I remember it?

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Holy shit this is MUCH WORSE than I remember - so much more enjoyable now!

 

 

Woods giving the Priest the no-bullshit reality of vampires lesson:

 

"Have you ever even seen a vampire??"

 

- New Priest: "No"

 

James Woods: "Well first of all the aren't 'romantic' - its not like they are a bunch of eurofags hopping around in *rented formal wear seducing everyone in sight with cheezy euro-trash accents Forget what you saw in the movies!!

 

"..They don't turn into bats, crosses don't work. Garlic? you put a fuck'n garlic necklace around your neck and one of those suckers will bend you over and take a walk up your strata-jacka-gotda-wally-sucka the blood out of you!!"

 

"..and they don't sleep in a coffin lined with taffeta! -You wanna kill one of these suckers? You drive a wooden stake right through its fuckin heart!...oh ya and sunlight turns em into crispy critters"

 

'Got it?"

 

I cannot overemphasize how hilariously stupid and wonderfully bad this is to watch again!

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Yeah, IMDB is chock full of James Wood's over-the-top tough guy talk in this movie.

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Yeah, IMDB is chock full of James Wood's over-the-top tough guy talk in this movie.

 

Sorry to hear that because I actually made a point (needlessly?) of rewinding that scene and taking dictation right onto this page. It's even funnier seeing Woods in this scene. I think he takes both hands off the wheel to gesture how "You wanna put a garlic necklace around your neck?"

 

BTW: easily gets my vote for most mandatory HDTGM episode. Just a fantastic trainwreck of stupid nonsense in Vampires woot

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This is one I love. I know it's bad, but it's like your favourite junk food that keeps pulling you back! If I come accross it on cable, I watch it to the end every time.

 

I think that's the hallmark of a good bad movie!

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the choice lines "A master vampire, able to walk in the sunlight, unstoppable. Unless we stop him"

 

The BEST line. My buddy and I would constantly quote this after we saw this VHS.

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You've gotta be effing kidding me. Why do you you hipster creeps keep suggesting awesome movies? You're making my soul hurt.

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You've gotta be effing kidding me. Why do you you hipster creeps keep suggesting awesome movies? You're making my soul hurt.

 

Awesome movies are not immune from the HDTGM treatment. In fact, they often make for great episodes (Crank/Crank 2, Punisher, etc.).

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Searched this to see if it had been suggested.

 

Has anybody mentioned yet that the main vampire looks like Tommy Wiseau?

 

vampires-b.jpg

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Searched this to see if it had been suggested.

 

Has anybody mentioned yet that the main vampire looks like Tommy Wiseau?

 

vampires-b.jpg

7059-22457.gif

room-football.jpg

Seems legit.

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I just re-watched this last night and holy shit I forgot how insane it is. First you have James Woods acting like he felt this was going to become a franchise for him (there was a sequel starring Jon Bon Jovi), that he was even more over the top than usual. You have a team of slayers made up of every goon actor at the time, who are quickly destroyed by the main vampire, who breaks up their party of whores and booze which is chaperoned by the town sheriff and the team priest, a party which had apparently been taking part every night for weeks at that point according to dialogue between said cop and preacher. Yet the piece de resistance is Daniel Baldwin, who was at the height of his cocaine addiction, holding one of the prostitutes hostage in a hotel room as she transforms into a vampire. I honestly feel they just set up a camera in his hotel room during one of his binges as he proceeds to strip her and tie her to the bed for no real reason, beat her, threaten to kill her, and gets completely fucked up.

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Carpenter had an incredible run from 1976-1988 (Assault on Precinct 13 to They Live). Maybe one of the greatest runs a director ever had if you look at the films he cranked out during that period.

 

But everything from 1992 on is a shit show. Incredibly watchable shit shows though.

 

Vampires, Village of the Damned, Escape from LA and Ghosts of Mars would all make incredible episodes.

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I'd really like them to do this movie, James Woods is fucking next level awful in this. But at the same time he's fucking amazing. This would be fun.

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I honestly think the amount of cocaine he was allegedly doing during this film would make his Lester Diamond character pull back in horror. From him talking about boners to how he's talking 500 words a minute makes me amazed that anyone thought he would be the best choice for the lead role.

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There's the movie I wanna see: James Woods and Danny Baldwin doing lines in that hotel room while the hooker is tied up nude on the bed.

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