Conan the Destroyer (1984)

[VinsanityV22 500]

I'm loving the Stallone love HDTGM has had so far when it comes to action movie icons, but eventually they'll have to look at way more Arnold Schwarzenegger movies too. And while 'Twins' and 'Kindergarten Cop' will almost certainly end up on HDTGM eventually, I want to put out Conan for consideration.

 

Not the classic, 'Conan the Barbarian" - that movie is great. Weird, but great. No, no - 'Conan the Destroyer'. The 1984 sequel to the quiet, gritty, epic original that basically completely ignores all that and turns the tone on it's head; forcing Conan into a toothless, silly-looking Superman III/He-Man/Neverending Story-type escapade instead.

 

It has ridiculous set pieces, tons of monsters created by sticking stuntguys in goofy suits, no blood despite many weapons (though if you're a fan of Arnold spinning his sword around for dramatic effect, this is the movie for you!), terrible dialogue (including a scene with an awful sex talk to a "child princess" who's clearly too old to need this kind of talk), the most dramatic window smashing scene in history (suck it, Enter the Dragon), and a terrible cast of characters. It's got Wilt Chamberlain AND Grace Jones in major roles for crissakes! It's weird and disappointing EVEN IF YOU GOT OVER how different in tone this film is from it's predecessor and the future Jason Momoa Conan. Let's take a look, shall we:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3wxGswacJo

 

P.S. I haven't seen it, but I'm also pretty sure that the Conan prequel, "Kull, the Conquerer" - starring Kevin Sorbo, TV's Hercules - should also be terrible.

[TimDoyle 4]

This is a badass movie, but I don't think it's bad enough for HDTGM. Perhaps Barbarian Queen would make for better fodder.

[jarrycanada 2483]

I agree it's just bad, it's by far no Red Sonja. and i'd rather see them do Kindergarten Cop before this one. But that's just me. Mind you it's got Grace Jones in it and we all know she's out standing in this film. Plus the magical performance of Princess Jehnna by actress Olivia d'Abo.

[joel_rosenbaum 1269]

Apropos of nothing:

 

[Quasar Sniffer 4174]

After 'A View to a Kill,' we could have a Grace Jones double feature! I mean, she could probably eat the heart of a Xenomorph from 'Alien' and suffer no ill effects:

[denimgremlin 1179]

oh man, Arnold punches a camel in the face. that's all I have to say

[TrevorAlonzo 38]

Me and my wife would like to also submit this film for hdtgm. With great lines like "Grab him and take him!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPkhh5JytYE

[TrevorAlonzo 38]

And "Enough Talk!" knife throw.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGXYZTDPuUI

[TrevorAlonzo 38]

THIS PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!

[TrevorAlonzo 38]

This costume is PG! At least thats the movie's rating.

[NathanGordon 1096]

There's some cool ideas in it, and Grace Jones is awesome to watch in anything. But the new director and writer just didn't nail that mix of barbarian nihilism and primitive spirituality that the first Conan did so well. The scale of Conan the Barbarian is done really well; you get just enough backstory to drive the rest of the plot. In Destroyer, Conan is basically just a mercenary, and the stakes just aren't as interesting as the first film's revenge for his family, lover, and years of slavery.

 

It's also pretty crazy that what was, back then, a hard R-rated film received a PG sequel -- Conan the Barbarian was successful because of it's bloody violence and nudity, not in spite of it. I'm not sure if that was the decision from the beginning or happened some time in post production. Maybe an unrated cut is out there?

 

I never even bothered seeing the Jason Momoa film from a few years ago. From all accounts it sounds like a regular bad/bad movie, which is disappointing. I still think Conan is a rich character with potential for another amazing film, but it would need to get that brutal existentialist mood right -- I think a director like Jeremy Saulnier (Green Room, Blue Ruin) or Ben Wheatley (Kill List, High Rise) could manage it, without making it into a PG-13 CGI clusterfuck.

[TrevorAlonzo 38]

There's some cool ideas in it, and Grace Jones is awesome to watch in anything. But the new director and writer just didn't nail that mix of barbarian nihilism and primitive spirituality that the first Conan did so well. The scale of Conan the Barbarian is done really well; you get just enough backstory to drive the rest of the plot. In Destroyer, Conan is basically just a mercenary, and the stakes just aren't as interesting as the first film's revenge for his family, lover, and years of slavery.

 

It's also pretty crazy that what was, back then, a hard R-rated film received a PG sequel -- Conan the Barbarian was successful because of it's bloody violence and nudity, not in spite of it. I'm not sure if that was the decision from the beginning or happened some time in post production. Maybe an unrated cut is out there?

 

I never even bothered seeing the Jason Momoa film from a few years ago. From all accounts it sounds like a regular bad/bad movie, which is disappointing. I still think Conan is a rich character with potential for another amazing film, but it would need to get that brutal existentialist mood right -- I think a director like Jeremy Saulnier (Green Room, Blue Ruin) or Ben Wheatley (Kill List, High Rise) could manage it, without making it into a PG-13 CGI clusterfuck.

 

From what I understand they filmed it and in post to sale to a wider audience they cut out lots of blood snd violence to get a PG.

[TrevorAlonzo 38]

Why do I get the feeling this happens a lot around Grace Jones.