EPISODE 104.5 — Minisode 104.5

[firsttimecallerlongtimelistenr 3590]

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

 

theres one scene where julianne hough is walking down a crowded sidewalk talking to cobie. so if cobie isnt actually there does that mean all the people around her just saw hough talking to herself?

 

or if cobie is somehow after regenerating to hang around with hough wouldnt that mean the people saw hough walking around with a dead cobie???

 

alright .. maybe this movie does deserve a HDTGM episode

 

on the plus side i thought the little girl did a great job in this. normally kid actors drive me crazy but she was very good

[Cameron H. 23786]

Since I imagine it will come up...

 

I can't wait to hear June's take on the eating habits of gorillas, the strongest primates on the planet...I mean, they eat kale??? That's ludicrous!

 

In fact, I hope Kate and Alex's whole dinner date conversation is thoroughly vetted for veracity.

[bonjourjamie 61]

I'm a huge fan of HDTGM but only just now created an account, my sole motivating factor being the need to discuss this HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE MOVIE. I hate it so much and I'm excited to read about others hating it, too. Solidarity! For the first hour and 45 minutes ('cause this damn thing is 2 hours long) it just seemed like a bland Lifetime movie writ large - annoying meet-cutes, ill-advised floor painting, bad acting by the lead. It even had the requisite abusive male and female insta-friend. But then the last 10 minutes got batshit cray and in my rage I no longer care about the rest of the movie. What did I just watch? Why did someone put me through that? Robin, how could you?!

 

But what I'm *really* fascinated by is the director's background. First of all, Lasse Hallström is good. He was nominated for an Oscar. Secondly (and my favorite part of this puzzle), he directed almost every ABBA music video as well as the ABBA movie! Some of them were even shot at his home! Those are legit masterpieces. (Please just go with me on this.) So what the hell happened here? The acting is mediocre, the pacing is horrendously slow, the editing is weird, the lighting is strange (why is the sky yellow in the beach scene? I think that's a sign of nuclear fallout)... Maybe this was a cry for help.

[robozebra 20]

Who wants a letter from their dead ass mom every birthday? #buzzkill

Those letters really bothered me. Mainly because the one to her son was for his graduation day and the one to her daughter was for her wedding day. She also mentioned both of those events in the letter to "Her" (barf). Those are both big milestones, so sure, she'd want her kid to be reminded of their dead parent any time an important event happened to them, and it wouldn't bother me so much if she had written both of them a graduation letter and a wedding day letter, but she didn't. So her hope for her son is that he will finish school (and presumably go on to be successful), while her hope for her daughter is that she will find a good man. I know they're in a small, southern town and all, but come on.

[MelissaBecker 79]

Hallstrom makes a lot of books into movies. It seems to be a specialty. The Hundred Foot Journey, Safe Haven, Dear John (another Sparks adaptation), Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, The Shipping News, The Hoax (although the book it is based on is non-fiction), The Cider House Rules, and Chocolat are all based on books.

 

So maybe he's like one of those old studio directors who you could just count on to turn out one genre very well and cheaply. Got a book adaptation, give it to Hallstrom.

 

Or, maybe he is one of those people who likes to pretend he is well read and lies about what he has actually read. This forces him to sign on to the adaptation to save face. "Hey, Lasse, you said you loved The Shipping News. How about turning it into a movie?"

[OoofMaGOOF 348]

I'm gonna watch this tonight with my fiancee, who, coincidentally jokingly (?) said we should watch this movie because she knows it's the kind that I really loathe.

 

But based on what I'm hearing, I'm kind of excited drink and just watch the bonker-ness unfold.

 

Just don't do me like Zardoz, where I watched it and then waited almost 3 weeks to hear your thoughts on it...

[WEdidITagain 458]

I'm a huge fan of HDTGM but only just now created an account, my sole motivating factor being the need to discuss this HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE MOVIE. I hate it so much and I'm excited to read about others hating it, too. Solidarity! For the first hour and 45 minutes ('cause this damn thing is 2 hours long) it just seemed like a bland Lifetime movie writ large - annoying meet-cutes, ill-advised floor painting, bad acting by the lead.

 

1. Welcome to the Forums. 2. THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING TWO HOURS LONG, THE FUCK.

[Kickpuncher 5012]

But what I'm *really* fascinated by is the director's background. First of all, Lasse Hallström is good. He was nominated for an Oscar. Secondly (and my favorite part of this puzzle), he directed almost every ABBA music video as well as the ABBA movie! Some of them were even shot at his home! Those are legit masterpieces. (Please just go with me on this.) So what the hell happened here? The acting is mediocre, the pacing is horrendously slow, the editing is weird, the lighting is strange (why is the sky yellow in the beach scene? I think that's a sign of nuclear fallout)... Maybe this was a cry for help.

 

Yeah, that kind of blew me away, to the point that when I saw his name in the opening credits, I had to check IMDB to make sure he was who I thought.

 

On a maybe-related note, I was thinking about the ghost mom twist - I think part of the reason the movie doesn't feel as batshit-bonkers as most HDTGM movies is that they actually show some restraint with this. She has a very small part, and the reveal isn't horribly overplayed. I wonder if that's due to having a genuine quality director.

[jarrycanada 2483]

So I fell asleep watching last night and had to start over, I'm an hour 18 in and had more thoughts:

 

 

The same thing happen to me last night and today I can't remember what happend.

So now i have to watch it all over again tonight.

 

Got to the part with old people having a nap. ohh shit it's the cops, this is a very bad time for us, it's time for my husbands nap.. best part of the movie so far, Old peoples nap time.

[Servo Academy 16]

"Do you know this woman?" "Yeah, you live across the street from me. What are you, drunk?"

 

Where can she go from Atlanta? ANYWHERE! If the guy told him there's an airport here too it would've blown his mind. "Wait...I'm in a Nicholas Sparks movie, she's in North Carolina. Phew, that was easy."

 

Until the end I got progressively more irritated with Smulders' character because she was so unnecessary because she was so underwritten. But everything was underwritten. Actually, it just wasn't written at all.

 

Also "this isn't the way to win her back, champ! Say it with flowers!" Shouldn't he have been arrested and not just suspended? Has no one noticed he hasn't been doing his job for....I dunno, two weeks? (this movie probably takes place within about two weeks, let's be honest. She was able to rent a mysteriously furnished house with zero deposit, credit check, legal identification--everything in this universe is very quick.) Is he even really a detective? I think he's like when Kramer pretended to work at that office. "Who's that guy that keeps hanging around here making fake wanted posters?"

The phone book says "911" in BIG RED LETTERS, and she dials two other numbers, the first of which is four digits. Is she calling Lexie on the upstairs office extension?

 

"This drunk sweaty freak tried to convince he was a detective and that he's looking for Katie. I bluffed him but I think he's really dangerous so I thought I should let you know, in case he comes back later and tries to kill all of us."

 

Who decided this movie needed 2.35? Sparks? "I want my Carolina in Cinemascope. In fact I DEMAND it, Lasse!"

 

I don't get angry about entertainment because I can just IGNORE the stuff I don't want to watch or listen to This movie is proof why that's a good, healthy way to live, because it made me SO mad.

 

 

"my sole motivating factor being the need to discuss this HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE MOVIE." EXACTLY

[OoofMaGOOF 348]

That was, really more than anything, really fucking boring! They could have very easily cut it down by half an hour.

 

I look forward to hearing how much Jason jerked off once he found out she was a ghost.

[Servo Academy 16]

 

1. Welcome to the Forums. 2. THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING TWO HOURS LONG, THE FUCK.

 

 

And it took me much longer than that to watch it, because I kept pausing it in disbelief, the third or fourth instance of which was "1:55?!?"

[WEdidITagain 458]

 

 

And it took me much longer than that to watch it, because I kept pausing it in disbelief, the third or fourth instance of which was "1:55?!?"

 

I literally can't think why this movie was so long. What happens? I feel if I were to retell, reshoot and redo the entire movie it'd take at most an hour twenty.

[Entering the Bone Zone 81]

 

Got to the part with old people having a nap. ohh shit cops are coming time for us to have a very important nap.

best part of the movie so far, Old peoples nap time.

 

Don't forget the part just before his wife corrals him for nap time where dude asks DRUNKRAGECOP if he wants to take some cherries home with him. Was that like an Alzheimer's nod or something? I was baffled for a good three minutes by the old husband suddenly getting a line in the movie. Maybe his agent demanded it?

[jarrycanada 2483]

 

Don't forget the part just before his wife corrals him for nap time where dude asks DRUNKRAGECOP if he wants to take some cherries home with him. Was that like an Alzheimer's nod or something? I was baffled for a good three minutes by the old husband suddenly getting a line in the movie. Maybe his agent demanded it?

 

Not sure, if he did have Alzheimer's why is he on a fucking latter. I know if my dad used the latter for anything other then changing a light bulb, my mom would freak out.

 

let alone cherry picking.

 

You guys are not kidding about this being a long movie. we had a boat ride, a lot of long walks. and got to goto the beach.

[Entering the Bone Zone 81]

 

They film a ton of stuff in Cape Fear. My grandparents lived up there and ended up being extras in a ton of stuff: Dawson's Creek, Matlock, and even the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie.

 

I went to a wedding in Bald Head Island, NC and after we did one of the movie tours they offer in Wilmington. They sort of fancy themselves "Hollywood East." Always a babe fest. And they got a pool table, too!

[Servo Academy 16]

 

"Cherry Point! HUSH HUSH!"

 

 

They're On The Water--how the hell far away is the beach? Do they not like their own part of the shoreline?

[Entering the Bone Zone 81]

 

I literally can't think why this movie was so long. What happens? I feel if I were to retell, reshoot and redo the entire movie it'd take at most an hour twenty.

 

Sure, but if you cut it down to 1:20, you'd lose:

 

1) all those sweet, sweet comedy scenes, like ... like ...

2) the scene where abusive RAGECOP pours over security footage from the bus station

3) the other scene where abusive RAGECOP pours over security footage from the bus station

4) the other scene where abusive RAGECOP pours over security footage from the bus station, then bullies the other cop (his partner?) about it

5) the other scene where abusive RAGECOP pours over security footage from the bus station, then drives down to ask the clerk how many stops between Boston and Atlanta (here's a hint: a lot!)

6) the scene where RAGECOP belligerently questions his own neighbor - who he doesn't know - by showing pictures of his wife, AKA the woman who lives across the street

7) the other scene where RAGECOP belligerently questions his own neighbor - who he doesn't know - by showing pictures of his wife, AKA the woman who lives across the street

8) the scene where RAGECOP breaks into the neighbor's house - while she is home - to listen to her answering machine (we all have those in the 2010s) and magically match up the message with the caller ID in about .0003 seconds

 

If anything this movie should have run longer. I myself could have done with more back and forth on the wisdom of painting the floor (the fuck?) of a dilapidated-but-oh-so-available rustic cottage in the woods.

[Servo Academy 16]

 

the wisdom of painting the floor

 

Or the magic of it. "You gonna PAINT over that possum hole, Katie?" I asked. Apparently she did. But Alex broke the enchantment and the hole reopened.

 

WHERE CAN SHE GO FROM ATLANTA???

[Entering the Bone Zone 81]

I am hoping Ike Barinholz is back for this episode, because our leads have all the chemistry of a hub cap and a turkey sub.

 

"Anytime you can match up the most vanilla pretty boy in Hollywood - no, I said I want LESS charisma than Van Der Beek, goddamnit!! - with someone who gives televised dance lessons for a living, you absolutely have to do it."

 

-Every film producer ever

[paultab 225]

I watched this with very little reaction, so little that my new cat (8 mo. old) finally felt completely comfortable sleeping on my lap. When she started reading the letter, I thought, "Could they have hired a third actress? Why would they have Cobie Smu--" and then I realized at the same time as the photo came out of the envelope, and I spit soda and laughed my ass off.... My cat may never recover, but man, did I need that. That was my best laugh in weeks.

[paultab 225]

 

"This drunk sweaty freak tried to convince he was a detective and that he's looking for Katie. I bluffed him but I think he's really dangerous so I thought I should let you know, in case he comes back later and tries to kill all of us."

 

Who decided this movie needed 2.35? Sparks? "I want my Carolina in Cinemascope. In fact I DEMAND it, Lasse!"

 

 

I don't think this one was in 2.35. I have a 2.35 monitor and only had black bars down the side.

 

But yes, the thing with the daughter not speaking made me think this was something akin to Lost S1, where all of their problems would have easily been solved by a weekly open-share campfire hour.

[jarrycanada 2483]

I think we all know who Nicolas Cage would of played in this movie. and the twist is that he's not even a cop.

[king_of_cups 5]

I just discovered HDTGM and the forums last week, with Zardoz. I'm so pumped! Anyway, a couple thoughts I had watching this movie (never saw it before, never read the book, etc.):

• If Cobie bought the neighboring house to be alone, why is she always at Julianne's house?!
  
• The little boy is filled with the rage and articulation of a middle-aged man.
  
• "Weeellll, now that you're coming to the beach with us, I guess it's okay to take 10000000 photos of you with my kids."
  
• If you blow through a whole battery with one day at the beach, your kid might be right about your camera habit...
  
• The sky at the beach is the same color as the sky in 300.
  
• I have never seen a canoe date that didn't end with someone screaming, "STOP FUCKING PADDLING. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!"
  
• So you've been out in some hurricane, and you take out your smartphone, and it works?!
  
• This couple needs to chill with the making out in public. That is WAY past first-date making out!
  
• "Wanna come inside with me and the possums and the GHOST OF YOUR DEAD WIFE?!"
  
• This is supposed to be North Carolina in July, right? Then why is the cop the only guy sweating?
  

[bonjourjamie 61]

 

the wisdom of painting the floor

 

YES. This is my primary gripe about the movie aside from Ghost Mom reveal. I assumed Blondie was renting the place because buying a home when you're on the lamb seems like a bad decision that even she wouldn't make. But then she paints the floor?! You don't.. you don't paint the floor. It's cool that it was magical paint that sealed up the possum hole, but you still end up with yellow paint on your wooden floor.

 

Only in the kitchen, though. And even then you manage to step in it before it dries.