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JulyDiaz

EPISODE 81 — Alex Anfanger and Jon Bass, Our Close Friends

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The Wolfcool outro faded into the past, and Hayes looked at me. He smiled proudly. "You did it, honlads. You were the corkerest of them all." I had just finished recording my first guest spot on Hollywood Handbook, and I had completely killed it. "Thanks, Hayes." "I knew you'd probably be the funniest guest yet, but I didn't realise you would also be the chillest and I'd want to have a beer with you so much!" said Sean. "Thanks, fellas. That means a lot to me." The three of us sat there, basking in the afterglow of the content we had just created, gazing into each other's eyes in a Mexican standoff of love and affection.

 

CLANG CLANG CLANG.

 

We were jolted back into reality. "What the heck on earth is that noise?" I said, mixing up phrases in my confusion.

 

CLANG CLANG CLANG. There it was again; a demonic cowbell.

 

A voice arose from outside the studio walls. It was coming from the parking lot. "Hayes and Sean, come out to play!" Sean opened his mouth to speak, "He's referencing..." "...The Warriors", I finished his sentence. I knew the reference because I am a movie buff.

 

The voice that had called out was immediately identifiable, and it shook me to my core. It was that of outcast forum member Hayes N Sean, a man universally dismissed because of his incredibly shit name choice. A man now seeking vengeance.

 

"We have no choice," said Hayes, "We must go to him." Sean stood up and stooped down towards me, like the way the tree creatures in The Lord of the Rings bent down to pick up those little men. I scampered up his frame and clung to him, like a backpack made of a person. There were plenty of footholds for me on his chiselled body. I could tell this guy worked out. We were ready for battle. "Let's go", he said.

 

We proceeded out of the studio, and exited the building. An unholy sight met us in the parking lot. Hayes N Sean stood there, violently swinging a mace above his head. The mace struck many things in its deadly twist, its devastating pirouette of destruction. Cars. Signs. A heavyset passerby. Nothing could withstand its velocity.

 

"Hey, what are you doing? You're breaking things! You just hurt that guy!" shouted Hayes. Sean spoke out, "Where did you even procure an actual mace from?" A valid question. Hayes took out his phone and called the police. They promptly arrived and defused the situation without much fuss. Hayes N Sean was arrested and charged with vandalism and identity theft. The passerby decided not to press charges.

 

After we had spoken to the police, we went back inside. Sean set me back down on the ground. "What a weird guy", said Hayes. "The police are great", I said. "I didn't expect that to happen today!" said Sean, "Anyway, let's get this podcast wrap party underway!"

 

The ensuing party was insane. Everyone who's anyone from the forum was there. If I were to make a list of the attendees right now, and you did not appear on said list, you would probably be some shit loser. I will mention only one person, because I will never forget what he said to me that day. It was Joe McGurl. He looked at me, bemused, and asked, "Am I appearing in a rip-off of my own story?" "Yeah, pretty much", I replied.

 

We cracked open the sickest cooler full of ice-cold Corona and enjoyed ourselves to the max. In that moment, we were all that mattered in the world. We were together. We were family.

 

THE END.

 

FOR PAUL.

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I think Verbatim Vic might be the boys' ticket to CBB, finally. They needed to develop a really classic character and now they got it.

Earwolfman Jack is twice the classic character Verbatim Vic will ever be.

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EDIT: You seem to only want bathroom selfies. I might have over reacted. I'll try anything to get the exposure needed for the pro version at this point and taking bathroom selfies is far less expensive than going to art school and drawing everyone.

 

I'd change my pic to a bathroom selfie, but I have never in my life taken a selfie in a bathroom.

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Do I need more questions? Less questions? Popcorn related questions? What must I do?!

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I legitimately lost my mind laughing at this episode last night. There is no greater joy than hearing a guest slowly realize the game Sean and Hayes are playing, and then joining into it 100%

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How about a picture of Jacob C's Missing Scoop Trooper Poster on a telephone pole ? Might be nice post-surgery treat ?

I like the jut of your kib, marshall

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I'd change my pic to a bathroom selfie, but I have never in my life taken a selfie in a bathroom.

 

You haven't lived until you've felt the rush of taking scandalous snaps on the porcelain throne.

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I legitimately lost my mind laughing at this episode last night. There is no greater joy than hearing a guest slowly realize the game Sean and Hayes are playing, and then joining into it 100%

 

I came dangerously close to choking on my big gulp diet cola drink in the car during the whole "fig" discussion. You know when you have a beverage in your mouth and you can't swallow it because you're loffing too much? That went on for what seemed like 5 full minutes and I almost started panicking.

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RanRan, am I insane for thinking you were a girlperson? I hope I'm not insane.

I don't know what you're talking about, devscoots. I clearly am and always have been the #1 Handsome Boy.

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Can't put my finger on why but I'm suddenly very attracted to RanRan

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i was just playing with my frisbee in the park

two bad dogs come and tear it into pieces

absolutely devastated

my special frisbee dead by dogs

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who's responsible for these vile beasts?

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a bad lady and her bald husband

proud owners of two bad dogs

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I get what's going on RanRan because I AM smart and I AM cool. kittens that's the worst when dickfaces have dogs.

 

fyi I already failed in my "don't post on the Hollywood Handbook forums drunk" crusade. But goddamn yall ke$ha is great. On my way to some Dave Dobbin and Omc and maybe Dropkick Murphys depending on whether I'm all riled up or not

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who's responsible for these vile beasts?

 

bitches.

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Hey guys, so 500 posts and I guess I'm in the wires now? Did this happen to anyone else?

 

19ef0713-af2d-4cfa-aa05-abd2049a7154_zpsouv5oh8p.png

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maybe :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: -_- -_- <_<:wacko::blink: :blink: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r:

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The Wolfcool outro faded into the past, and Hayes looked at me. He smiled proudly. "You did it, honlads. You were the corkerest of them all." I had just finished recording my first guest spot on Hollywood Handbook, and I had completely killed it. "Thanks, Hayes." "I knew you'd probably be the funniest guest yet, but I didn't realise you would also be the chillest and I'd want to have a beer with you so much!" said Sean. "Thanks, fellas. That means a lot to me." The three of us sat there, basking in the afterglow of the content we had just created, gazing into each other's eyes in a Mexican standoff of love and affection.

 

CLANG CLANG CLANG.

 

We were jolted back into reality. "What the heck on earth is that noise?" I said, mixing up phrases in my confusion.

 

CLANG CLANG CLANG. There it was again; a demonic cowbell.

 

A voice arose from outside the studio walls. It was coming from the parking lot. "Hayes and Sean, come out to play!" Sean opened his mouth to speak, "He's referencing..." "...The Warriors", I finished his sentence. I knew the reference because I am a movie buff.

 

The voice that had called out was immediately identifiable, and it shook me to my core. It was that of outcast forum member Hayes N Sean, a man universally dismissed because of his incredibly shit name choice. A man now seeking vengeance.

 

"We have no choice," said Hayes, "We must go to him." Sean stood up and stooped down towards me, like the way the tree creatures in The Lord of the Rings bent down to pick up those little men. I scampered up his frame and clung to him, like a backpack made of a person. There were plenty of footholds for me on his chiselled body. I could tell this guy worked out. We were ready for battle. "Let's go", he said.

 

We proceeded out of the studio, and exited the building. An unholy sight met us in the parking lot. Hayes N Sean stood there, violently swinging a mace above his head. The mace struck many things in its deadly twist, its devastating pirouette of destruction. Cars. Signs. A heavyset passerby. Nothing could withstand its velocity.

 

"Hey, what are you doing? You're breaking things! You just hurt that guy!" shouted Hayes. Sean spoke out, "Where did you even procure an actual mace from?" A valid question. Hayes took out his phone and called the police. They promptly arrived and defused the situation without much fuss. Hayes N Sean was arrested and charged with vandalism and identity theft. The passerby decided not to press charges.

 

After we had spoken to the police, we went back inside. Sean set me back down on the ground. "What a weird guy", said Hayes. "The police are great", I said. "I didn't expect that to happen today!" said Sean, "Anyway, let's get this podcast wrap party underway!"

 

The ensuing party was insane. Everyone who's anyone from the forum was there. If I were to make a list of the attendees right now, and you did not appear on said list, you would probably be some shit loser. I will mention only one person, because I will never forget what he said to me that day. It was Joe McGurl. He looked at me, bemused, and asked, "Am I appearing in a rip-off of my own story?" "Yeah, pretty much", I replied.

 

We cracked open the sickest cooler full of ice-cold Corona and enjoyed ourselves to the max. In that moment, we were all that mattered in the world. We were together. We were family.

 

THE END.

 

FOR PAUL.

 

Wow, really good job! Except I am not universally dismissed by these forums, there are a small number of people who mildly tolerate me.

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My ploy to stir up controversy last week in order to get noticed by Hayes and Sean so I could get the pro version seems to have failed. Now some other guy is jacking my shit this week and trying to get noticed by taking offense at a bit as a shortcut to pro glory. Sorry guy, you're wasting your time.

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Earwolfman Jack is twice the classic character Verbatim Vic will ever be.

 

Earwolfman Jack lacked the tragic dimension of Verbatim Vic, who is incapable of doing the very thing upon which his entire identity depends

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Brief survey of you guys.

 

Has your brief time in the forum with me been...

 

1) Great

 

2) Earth-shattering

 

3) Spooky

 

4) Rad

 

5) Epic

 

6) Offensive

 

7) Milky White

 

Thanks and feel free to give me helpful feedback about my performance.

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