Jaws 3-D (1983)

[AgentOrange 9]

Please do Jaws 3. That pile of shit grossed 87 million dollars in 1983! I say pile of shit but it's actually one of my favorite movies of all time. Some of the scenes were shot exclusively for 3D so some scenes look very odd. Not a bad cast either:

Dennis Quaid
Lea Thompson
Louis Gossett Jr.

[inactiveuser501 168]

This movie, while not as insane premise-wise, is just as fun, if not more, as Jaws: The Revenge. Taking place at SeaWorld Orlando, Jaws has somehow gone from Amity to Florida and is seen multiple times swimming at racing boat speeds. I began to lose my mind when the yellow submarine appeared and Bess Armstrong was going in for absolutely no reason. When they finally see Jaws (In an Underwater Bar!), everyone goes insane. The British People are Amazing, Academy Award-winner Louis Gossett Jr. is Amazing (Floridians with Devil's Advocate-style Southern Accents) Watching the movie without 3D is just amazing, the dolphins are amazing, and Dennis Quaid is in it. Just HDTGM perfection

 

"God Damn Dolphins!"- Michael Brody.

[seanotron 2307]

Even though this movie is ridiculous and terrible, I think Jaws 4 still outbonkers it by suggesting that Sharks hold grudges and that Mrs Brody is psychically bonded with them.

[inactiveuser501 168]

I could spend hours arguing the merits of any of the Jaws movies, especially 3 and 4, since they are so bad that they are more memorable than the so-so Jaws 2. Plus, these movies give me an excuse to say Sharksplosion, but I digress.

 

I had to pause the movie to spend 30 minutes obsessing over a scene where Dennis Quaid called over Bess Armstrong for a reason that we never find out, only to ask her to help him find a missing co-worker despite the fact that she is just a Marine Biologist, and the fact that the very first place they decide to look for a missing person is in a lagoon with a submarine? My mine literally exploded.

 

A good amount of this podcast could also be spent determining whether this movie is in canon, because I swear to you, despite Universal's attempt to bury this (They called Jaws 4 "the third of a great trilogy" in a press release), it all makes sense in the universe, since Quaid and Armstrong are not married, just dating (As seen in the Venezuela subplot? This movie is HORRIBLE)

 

And by the way, this movie convinced me that this is, in fact, a literal Jaws family. Jaws is the Dad, Jaws 2 is a vengeful son, Jaws three is the mother (she has babies) and Jaws 4 is the last surviving member. I have gone insane because of this movie, and they deserve to as well.

[Ghost_Host_999 1]

There's a few things going on with this movie that demand the attention of the fine folks of this podcast. Biggest things I can think of are:

 

1) The shark seems determined to *not* eat people: Diver at the beginning gets bitten but not eaten (as evidenced by his body returning). A bunch of water skiers fall down right in front of her and not a single bite to share amongst them. Could not have missed Lea Thompson, but instead looks like the shark ran a single tooth along her leg before demuring. Then the shark has FitzRoyce all the way down it's throat. All she had to do swallow (insert your own joke here) but instead kept him stuck in her mouth like a wad of tobacco.

 

2) Lazy writing: Stole the major plot elements from an old monster movie called "Gorgo". Also, a reasonably intelligent business man (Calvin) for no good reason other than plot convenience puts a prized captured animal on display when he's already been advised that a) the shark needs time to regain health, and his park is already making 4x more $$ than all the other Sea Worlds. A quadruple knotted nylon safety rope for no explicable reason suddenly parts, sending FitzRoyce into the path of the shark. He decides to bonk the 35 foot oncoming shark on the nose with his helmet rather than simply leapfrogging or swimming over the shark's head. (once you get past the teeth you're basically fine since the shark didn't have enough room to turn around in the pipe...which we'lll address in a minute.) Once again for no other reason than plot convenience, Calvin (instead of waiting for the civilians to be evacuated) makes the decision to suffocate the shark by shutting the pumps off. WHY? At least wait until the 30 or so potential law suits are off your property before you exact vengeance on a fish.

 

3) CHEAP Special Effects: Now I am not one to piss all over a low budget film, but this is not some indie director putting his visions on celluloid....this is Universal Studios putting out an installment of an established franchise...in fact quite possibly a sequel to the biggest money maker they *ever* had. Now I understand shooting in true 3-D back then was a very expensive process but could we have taken some of that E.T. money and maybe gotten something better than an immobile fiberglass shark model (Jaws Junior), sped up stock footage that doesn't match (shark with rope in its mouth and then not during the capture scene), A sub with disappearing/reappearing parts/windows, and of course the god awful "shark crashes into control room" scene that just does not work on so many levels.

 

4) Just plain WTF moments: (some of this can be chalked up under the "lazy writing category if you like). The shark *backs* out of the pipe once the pumps are shut off...Sharks cannot swim backwards. When Jaws Junior is chasing Mike and Kay and they get away, it crashes into the gate and it's rubber skin folds back on itself clearly revealing the shark's artificial nature. Right after this attack, Mike repeatedly asks, "What the hell was that?" Really?? Mike BRODY doesn't know a Great White Shark when he sees one? When we first see Momma Jaws she is hovering outside a plexiglass window. Sharks hover about as well as they swim backwards.

 

I'd love to see the HDTGM crew rip this one apart.

[Johnny Unusual 525]

Yeah, it's not Jaws: the Revenge level of stupid, but it is pretty high up there.

 

 

And now... IN 3D!

 

[SlidePocket 707]

Since Jaws: The Revenge was covered over five years ago now, let's give this one a resurgence.