Episode 216 - Meredith Hagner, Our Close Friend

[Charlie Murphy Brown 4977]

thank you for the positive attitude ... but due to genre reclassifications and David Geffen's huge ego we can only qualify for the Rock & Also Roll Hall of Fame, which does come with a $10 million cash prize, for each band member, a special triple EGOT trophy and TWO Lifetime Free Everything cards from DQ, for each band member

 

ok so I guess they just gave us that award based on the first half of our name and how Jack White went on Oprah jumping up and down on a couch saying, 'I feel alive! and it's all thanks to them.' and Oprah pushed Jack for more and he shared a touching story about each of us from all the funny stuff we did at our first practice. then Jack told Oprah that he loves her and he's in love with her but she slapped him and called him fresh, which he took as a compliment and then did a lot more jumping on the couch

 

plus the Rock & Also Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony is a massive traveling carnival that we can have setup anywhere, and we could park it next to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame during their ceremony and show em what's what

 

Mesa, Arizona. We could play on old burial grounds to soothe the restless spirits of the ancients.

I know a nice amphitheatre in Mesa if we're unable to unearth any ancient burial grounds​

[Henry 3777]

We're already getting some awesome exposure, guys!

 

[Henry 3777]

I took the time to type up the interview. It really shows everyone how great we are!

 

 

 

RS: So, I've noticed that you've been promoting The Black Satan Metallica Stones of Rock and Also Roll recently. What about their work speaks to you?

 

JW: It's really the most breathtaking art I've ever experienced. I remember first hearing they're [sic] music. It was so incredible that I made a sound like this: [Jack then makes a giggle/shrieking noise and claps his hands rapidly like an overstimulated child].

 

RS: Wow, that is quite a joyous noise! I think our readers will immediately run out and buy all their music and go to every one of their shows after reading that. [i then do a wink at my notes, hoping the readers receive it from me and my position in this interview].

 

JW: Well, they definitely should if they want to live a happy and fulfilling life.

 

RS: Tell me, what about the band speaks to you so freagin' hard?

 

JW: Well first off, I love any instrument made from meat so Greggy's meat flute work really struck a chord with me.

 

RS: [Laughs] Pun intended?

 

JW: Actually, no. While I do love to make music themed puns, that wasn't one because you don't play chords on a flute.

 

RS: Well, what if you held a flute and strummed a guitar chord with the end of it? Technically you'd be playing a chord with a flute, correct?

 

JW: Sure, I guess that counts.

 

RS: Thank you. I accept your apology.

 

JW: I never apologised nor do I feel like I needed to. Nobody ever plays guitar like that.

 

RS: Certainly throughout the history of mankind's existence somebody has tried it at least once. You can't deny that.

 

JW: Ok, I guess so... What are we talking about?

 

RS: We were talking about the band The Black Satan Metallica Stones of Rock and Also Roll, and then I explained to you why it's possible to play a chord with a flute and you admitted that you were wrong.

 

JW: Right... Um, yeah I really like that band. Brown's rainstick work is unmatched in music today, and you combine that with Jack's raindrop cheek poke? It's incredible. You got nohorseman's key shredding skills, Cisco playing the smallest tambourine you can imagine while getting some immense sound, ... hammering those bells, urinalcake spitting dobro riffs into your face, Ostrich rocking out on the ol' Hoover, Vitamin sending out them good healthy vibes, mwn taking the whole world for a spin, and Weiser always keeps you guessing.

 

RS: Sounds like they have a successful career in music ahead of them, and that you admit that you can play a chord with a flute. Thank you so much, Jack.

 

JW: I don't know why that's so important to you, but fine. You can technically play a "chord" with a flute if you use the end of a flute as a sort of cumbersome guitar pick.

 

RS: That's all I was saying. I work for a music magazine you know. I'm familiar with how musical instruments work. I'd have loved to hear more about what makes this ragtag group of music rebels speak to you, but you kind of derailed things a bit with all that flute stuff. Can we try to get back to the conversation and talk like adults now?

 

JW: [sighs, gets up, and walks out of the room]

 

RS: [smiles triumphantly]

 

 

 

 

So, Jack's musical knowledge about the flute may be a little embarrassing, but at least he's giving us some seriously mad props. That can go a long way. Keep it going and keep it rocking and rolling!

[Henry 3777]

I know it's unrelated, but here's the other interview.

 

 

 

RS: Hello Mr. Dylan. Thanks for meeting with us.

 

BD: [in typical robot cadence] It is acceptable to be here. Query: what will the topic of our vocal interactions consist of?

 

RS: Well, I'm sure you've heard. The rumor mill is a buzz about whether or not you are a robot. Do you have any comment?

 

BD: It is very amusing. As a real human I have emotions and therefore the capability of expressing my amusement with laughter which I will demonstrate now. Observe. Ha... ha... ha. Such claims cause me to experience laughter because they simply do not compute.

 

RS: That does appear to be laughter, but you can understand though why people may get that idea. Your real name is Robert Zimmerman. It's hard to ignore that "Robert" and "Robot" share many of the same letters. And the letter Z starting your last name? Aside from X that's definitely one of the most robot letters out there.

 

BD: Foolish Earthling, I shall not continue this conversation with such accusations being placed upon me.

 

RS: Wait, what? "Foolish Earthling" isn't even robot parlance, that's old timey alien speak. Are you a robot or not? It's a simple yes or no question.

 

BD: [makes beeps and whirring noises, gets up, walks out of the room]

 

RS: [smiles triumphantly]

 

 

 

I mean, it raises lots of questions. The main one being whether Bob Dylan is a robot or an alien from some movie made in the 50s. Also, why are these interviewers so pleased with themselves when the other person walks out of the interview?

[the ostrich 907]

hey guys, i just got a trade proposal in fantasy basketball, and i want your advice on it. here's the proposed trade:

 

SEND:

• Enes Kanter (C, NYK)
  

RECEIVE:

• Jeff Teague (PG, MIN)
  

 

I'm in need of assists, but i'd be losing a lot in rebounds if i do this (currently 4th in rebounds and 8th in assists). my thinking is that if i just focus on a couple of categories and overload on those that i'd be better off than trying to be mid level with all categories. idk, though.

 

 

 

thanks for posting those interviews, ...! i recently cancelled my subscription to Rolling Stone, but is appears that i might have to "pivot to print" if i want to read these interviews in full!

[BrillGrungerson 1365]

Unless Meredith was "in on it", as they say, I felt crazy uncomfortable for her. The boys keep acting like this to new guests, Santa's not gonna bring them litebrite

[Charlie Murphy Brown 4977]

saw H&S this past weekend at the pee cast blast, Kevin is on the left, Carl Tart is on the right

 

 

sunset at newport beach, some seagulls tried to ruin my art, one even took a dump, how rude

 

[DMC 114]

When you guys play the Moda Center in Portland, Oregon, be sure to tell the crowd "it's great to be here at THE ROSE GARDEN" so that everyone cheers and immediately accepts you as Portland's own (the original name of the arena before Moda paid like 20 bucks to rename it and then went bankrupt I think).

[DMC 114]

hey guys, i just got a trade proposal in fantasy basketball, and i want your advice on it. here's the proposed trade:

 

SEND:

• Enes Kanter (C, NYK)
  

RECEIVE:

• Jeff Teague (PG, MIN)
  

 

 

_I_ would do the deal, depending on what the rest of your roster is like, but ya need assists and Kanter will likely be out again with another injury. Kanter is efficient though, and fantasy doesn't care about defense so his suckage issues there won't hurt ya.

 

Will 1.3 threes and 1.6 steals a game help ya? He gets 3.1 turnovers, but I always punt on TOs when I do NBA fantasy since all the best players get a lotta TOs. You'll lose some raw FG% though, so be sure not to overlook that...! Checking Kanter's stats, it's crazy that he's only getting to the line 2 times a game considering his playstyle. As the Knicks try to make the playoffs, I think his bad defense and awkward fit with Porzy will cut even further into his minutes (only playing 25 a night), but he's at least producing in his role.

 

If he gets detained in Turkey for speaking out against the corrupt Turkish leaders, you'll wish ya did the trade!!!

 

EDIT: I typo'd.

[Henry 3777]

I had a good time wearing that thin veil of anonymity, but I'm back to being Henry again. As you can see, I've started to wear glasses so I see things clearly now. The forum user formally known as "..." was a fun mask to wear for a while, but it wasn't me. I hope that I can now be an inspiration to everyone to be yourself, no matter how many extra limbs someone may have (another thing I should mention, mine are not pictured in my profile) you can still feel proud to be you!

[lpf 106]

hey guys chef kevin here

[Charlie Murphy Brown 4977]

this list of aliases was discovered in Henderson, NV while HHFFMC scouts were inspecting an old burial ground to see if it had enough restless spirits to soothe on the upcoming tour. the deceased had been creating fraudulent yelp reviews saying all the businesses in the area have a rotten smell, no cell reception and dark evil bad guys lurking everywhere (sounds like a great spot for a show). if you see any of their posts on yelp please mark them as useful, funny and cool

 

Jeffrey Tamboris Karloff

Valerie Bertinelli Furtado

Freddy vs Jason Giambi Arthur

Tyrannosaurus Rex Ryan Gosling

Dirty Harry S. Truman Capote

Joey Lawrence Taylor Swift

Pete Rosemary's Baby Driver

Saving Private Ryan Lochte's Nuts

[Henry 3777]

I worked up the lyrics to the new hit song "I Believe I See the Lighthouse". The rhyming scheme isn't consistent, but I was under pressure by our agent to get anything out.

 

 

I believe I see the lighthouse

It shines out o'er the waves

To guide me safely through the rocks

The hull and crew to save

If we hit them rocks we'd surely sink

And reach our watery graves

I believe I see the lighthouse

Shining o'er the waves

 

It also helps to have some citrus

To avoid the devil scurvy

I don't really know the symptoms

But the name really unnerves me

A parrot sitting on the ol' shoulder

Is also for some reason needed

Make sure you help it live and grow older

By keeping it well feeded

 

I believe I see the lighthouse

The light is barely seen

For it is only 2:00 pm

And the sunlight dims it's beam

As I ponder why it's lit

I overlook the dangers

The ship is wrecked, torn to bits

Me crew be only strangers

 

I don't mind seeing them drown

I barely know them a'tall

"Save ye selves, see if I care"

Is my only helping call

I stole this vessel just for kicks

After scaling a prison wall*

I believe I see the lighthouse

But 'twas really no help at all

 

*criterion collection bonus commentary: There was a scene in this song that got cut for time which explained how the narrator had been incarcerated, but subsequently broke out of an oceanside prison. He stole a large wooden ship, and though he was an inexperienced sailor he decided he knew how to be a pirate because he had been on the Pirates of the Carribean ride at Disneyland 3 times in a row and didn't even get really all that scared by the spooky skeletons. Not even one time was he really scared. Maybe a little bit, but not like a baby would be. It's ok and actually really brave to be a little scared and maybe cover your eyes for like only a second, but then still go on the ride again.

[nohorseman 5423]

Sorry Sean and Hayes, cant get through to the call in show. I would have been been really good too, kinda sit back in the cut and let you two do your thing. Wouldn't even mind if you ribbed me a little I would know we were all just kidding around. Alright well talk to you later

[Jay Rundo 323]

Sorry Sean and Hayes, cant get through to the call in show. I would have been been really good too, kinda sit back in the cut and let you two do your thing. Wouldn't even mind if you ribbed me a little I would know we were all just kidding around. Alright well talk to you later

 

I literally joined the forums yesterday in anticipation of the next call in episode. I missed it, and i'm so mad I could, and will spit.

[Jay Rundo 323]

 

I literally joined the forums yesterday in anticipation of the next call in episode. I missed it, and i'm so mad I could, and will spit.

 

UPDATE

I GOT THROUGH

[Henry 3777]

Ugh, they didn't even tell me

[Jay Rundo 323]

waiting to get screened... kevin is bein a slow job

[Henry 3777]

KEVIN!!!

[Andrew 4646]

I was waiting in the queue and never even got screened so maybe it was a bad idea to use Kevin instead of the OG Intern Andy.

 

never mind i did get screened, keep Kevin kill Andy

[Henry 3777]

I called 1-800-EARWOLF and got charged $2.00 for the first minute and only 49¢ for each additional minute. I don't know who I talked to, but it definitely wasn't Sean and Hayes. She kinda seemed to be coming on to me a little too strong.

[Henry 3777]

I just realized... The number I dialed also works as 1-800-FAPWOKE. It's a phone sex line for people who want to be told that they know what's really going on. Hopefully Earwolf will put out a disclaimer.

[the ostrich 907]

 

 

_I_ would do the deal, depending on what the rest of your roster is like, but ya need assists and Kanter will likely be out again with another injury. Kanter is efficient though, and fantasy doesn't care about defense so his suckage issues there won't hurt ya.

 

Will 1.3 threes and 1.6 steals a game help ya? He gets 3.1 turnovers, but I always punt on TOs when I do NBA fantasy since all the best players get a lotta TOs. You'll lose some raw FG% though, so be sure not to overlook that...! Checking Kanter's stats, it's crazy that he's only getting to the line 2 times a game considering his playstyle. As the Knicks try to make the playoffs, I think his bad defense and awkward fit with Porzy will cut even further into his minutes (only playing 25 a night), but he's at least producing in his role.

 

If he gets detained in Turkey for speaking out against the corrupt Turkish leaders, you'll wish ya did the trade!!!

 

EDIT: I typo'd.

 

much appreciated analysis. thankfully, we don't play with turnovers, so that's not an issue. my roster is really heavy on 3's and steals, and rebounds are probably my 3rd best category. assists are really far down, so i figure it's better to be slightly above average with rebounds and below average with assists than average or below average in both categories. teague would definitely help boost up my 3's and steals, but i'm already 9-0 and 7-1-1 in those categories this season, so it might not even be worth it if it means sacrificing above averageness in rebounds. I've also got isaiah thomas coming back soon, and while his best season is most certainly behind him, he'll certainly help in 3's and assists (not to the extent that teague does for assists, though).

 

you make a good point about kanter's injury proneness, though. aside from a couple seasons ago where teague had a knee(?) injury, he's been pretty reliable.

[OliviaG 33]

 

UPDATE

I GOT THROUGH

 

Had you already spit out of anger, or did you get through before taking such drastic action?

[Jay Rundo 323]

Well I never got to speak with Sean or Hayes. I just sat waiting to be screened. On the other hand I got to listen to the podcast uncut raw (the way I like) through my phone which was fun.

 

I even had a sick joke to tell the boys. It went unsaid, which is sad.

 

So to answer your question yes I did spit, but I spit from my eyes.

Not out of anger, but sadness.

 

p.s.

The joke was gonna be just to shout PINA COLADA and hang up. and that will make a lot more sense to you guys on Tuesday.