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isaiaher

The Scarlet Letter (1995)

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Now, for this one, I would recommend getting a John Gemberling-style host who's read the actual Scarlet Letter. Because, as this film's credit is famous for, this is "Freely Adapted" from the original novel, which is code for "We didn't have enough decency to keep the ending"

 

But either way, this film goes crazy from moment one. The sex scene between Demi Moore and Gary Oldman is intercut with a mute black slave girl taking a bath! Robert Duvall is clearly insane and wearing an amazing wig. The Courthouse Scene, the film's climax, This film felt like what the nudity in Showgirls would have been like set in puritanical New England. And considering they both came out the same year AND both have a Michael Bolton Look-a-like involved in a rape scene, that is amazing.

 

This film turns the classic tale into full-fledged insanity, and frankly, it's time the guys get a 17th century period piece under their belt. The Best Part? Free on YouTube in full length. But, if you do rent it, I kid you not, this is the description.

 

TheScarletLetter_zps4e9a31eb.png

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I heard that the best part is that Hester's A is a gold color. I mean, how do you overlook that?

 

The only possible reason they chose this book to adapt over literally any number of Harlequin romance novels is that with this story, they wouldn't have to pay royalties to the author. Why else would they take a story about a hypocritical priest and the shaming of an adulterer, and make it into something one step below a softcore porno?

 

(Incidentally, I don't know if anybody's getting tired of his post-death canonization yet, but it's worth mentioning that Roger Ebert's review of this is a work of art. The online archive is missing the first sentence, which basically says that the problem with adapting it is that the story begins after the sex has happened, but the rest is still golden.)

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If ever there was a movie made to punish kids when they have a substitute teacher for a high school lit class...

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(Incidentally, I don't know if anybody's getting tired of his post-death canonization yet, but it's worth mentioning that Roger Ebert's review of this is a work of art. The online archive is missing the first sentence, which basically says that the problem with adapting it is that the story begins after the sex has happened, but the rest is still golden.)

 

The Siskel & Ebert Review online is what really sold me on checking this out.

 

http://siskelandebert.org/video/GBO1X82O6U3U/The-Scarlet-Letter--Blue-in-the-Face--Jade-1995

 

By the way, does anyone else notice that score for this movie is basically the same 5 minute track on repeat? There is literally just one chorus used for every scene! (and Apparently Demi Moore was responsible for rejecting two other scores and wanting this one)

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Well, it's very bad, but the question is this: is it crazy enough to be a HDTGM movie? I mean, it's one thing that the story crazily warps the source material, but I think you need to take account this standing on it's own as an awful movie.

 

I haven't seen it, so where is the crazy that makes this an HDTGM

 

Here's the trailer BTW

 

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Well, it's very bad, but the question is this: is it crazy enough to be a HDTGM movie? I mean, it's one thing that the story crazily warps the source material, but I think you need to take account this standing on it's own as an awful movie.

 

I haven't seen it, so where is the crazy that makes this an HDTGM

 

I want everyone, and I mean EVERYONE on the forum to just watch this scene

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vc9lWhzThLI

 

Explain that. EXPLAIN IT! THAT IS THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG

 

There is rape, there are mistaken murders, there is Robert Duvall being insane, if you ignore the source material and this movie STILL isn't crazy on it's own merits, I don't know what is going on with the world.

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There we go. NOW THAT is a ridiculously bad love scene. I expect to see something not unlike that in the upcoming comedy The Spoils of Babylon. I feels like the film maker thought he knew what a metaphor was but couldn't make it work.

 

That said, I don't think rape instantly makes for a good HDTGM movie. Just sayin'.

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That said, I don't think rape instantly makes for a good HDTGM movie. Just sayin'.

 

I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. THIS rape is why this movie is insane. Starts at 7 minutes in.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOm5BP0cT7k

 

Feel free to watch the entire scene, it's all still crazy

 

As someone who honestly did not care for the Original Hawthorne Novel, I can say that this movie, even if you have not read the book, is just wrong. Crazy and Wrong. I genuinely will not rest until this movie is discussed.

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The rape scene was kind of crazy and corny enough that it's barely offensive (certainly not all that harrowing), but that first sex scene is where your money nuts are.

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I want everyone, and I mean EVERYONE on the forum to just watch this scene

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vc9lWhzThLI

 

Explain that. EXPLAIN IT! THAT IS THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG

 

There is rape, there are mistaken murders, there is Robert Duvall being insane, if you ignore the source material and this movie STILL isn't crazy on it's own merits, I don't know what is going on with the world.

 

What the hell was that? Is the black girl supposed to be fucking the robin like Demi is fucking Gary Oldman? Why was she making "bedroom eyes" at the bird? Also, why are they fucking on top of the grain that is going to be in their bread? You know what I don't want in my bread, Gary Oldman's jizz.

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You know what I don't want in my bread, Gary Oldman's jizz.

Shariq, please post a photo of yourself so this sentence can be turned into a meme image.

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The rape scene only sells me because this man, who is not only not in the original book, but also has no point in the movie beyond sexually assaulting Hester, tells her "Where did he Lick You? God, I've wanted to Poke You!" That rape scene just gave me flashbacks to Showgirls.

 

The slave girl, Mitubu, is also not in the original book, and yet she is given a central role in the movie. I'm REALLY tempted to post the scene where Demi Moore bathes (Tits on full display) while "Almost" masturbating to thoughts of Gary Oldman, and Mitubu is WATCHING HER THROUGH A PEEP HOLE, but you all have to see it

 

And Shariq, I have another important question. Are we to believe that the Black Girl stuck the candle into her vagina? WHAT IS GOING ON!?!

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"...while "Almost" masturbating to thoughts of Gary Oldman..."

 

This is probably a far more common thing than you'd think. I mean...ummmm, that's what a friend told me. Right, a friend...

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The rape scene only sells me because this man, who is not only not in the original book, but also has no point in the movie beyond sexually assaulting Hester, tells her "Where did he Lick You? God, I've wanted to Poke You!" That rape scene just gave me flashbacks to Showgirls.

 

The slave girl, Mitubu, is also not in the original book, and yet she is given a central role in the movie. I'm REALLY tempted to post the scene where Demi Moore bathes (Tits on full display) while "Almost" masturbating to thoughts of Gary Oldman, and Mitubu is WATCHING HER THROUGH A PEEP HOLE, but you all have to see it

 

And Shariq, I have another important question. Are we to believe that the Black Girl stuck the candle into her vagina? WHAT IS GOING ON!?!

 

 

Lol, I think the black girl stuck the bird up her pussy, but they had to cut it for the censors. I beginning to think that this was just a Skinamax movie that shared a title with the Nathaniel Hawthrone book. This is also on Netflix, so I may check this out some time over the weekend.

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Do you remember reading this hot and steamy book in high school? Same here! But have you seen the movie version of this perennial favorite? Oh boy! Hotter and steamer, if you can believe it. Like a log of mid-90's celluloid sexiness that'll give you th' vapors.

 

Also, I didn't realize it at the time, but this story is a serious feminist/sexual awakening manifesto. And that ending? Wow! So much more uplifting and sweaty than the one in the book. (((Suck it, literature!)))

 

How did this get made? How could this movie not have been made like this?

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Oh, man, "Freely Adapted". I've never forgotten that credit. This plays like Demi Moore never read the book, got drunk, rambled some complete bullsh*t of what she "thinks" happened in the book but was really some kind of porny-narcissistic mixtape of pieces from The Crucible and Pocahontas and a urine-soaked copy of a John Jakes book, and forced a screenwriter to transcribe it.

 

Also - Duvall dancing with dead dear on head. GREAT. LITERATURE.

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It's weird, but I get this movie mixed up with The Crucible all the time. I know both of the stories, they are both collecting dust on my bookshelf. I think I always assume Winona Ryder was in this one and Demi Moore was in The Crucible, because you know they are so much alike. :P

 

Anyway, I haven't seen this one since it came out on VHS, but I do remember Gary Oldman having some sort of crying freak-out and thinking this movie was really lame and the everyone needed to calm the fuck down. Why the guy at the rental store let a twelve year old rent this movie, I have no idea.

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This movie came out around the time we were reading the book in High School and so there was nothing greater than listening to people in class pretending they had read the book when they had just seen the movie. Oh, that was glorious.

 

The thing I remember most from the book is that it is actually a "found footage" story. Like, the first scene of the book is Hawthorne going through an attic and finding this account of what actually happened back in ye olde times. Whenever anyone complains about how the found footage genre is a stupid model invention I throw this book in their face.

 

And then run away while they are blinded by being hit in the face with a book.

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