Episode 7 — Ellie Kemper, Our Close Friend

[Joe King 0]

MORE WACKY CHARACTERS, PLEEEAAASSEE. could Ice-T drop by? more characters=more stuff.

[greggy 15909]

I hate to pull back the curtain like this, but Ellie Kemper did NOT improvise that song.

 

lol

[greggy 15909]

im eating trukey, im gone full paleo so i am having turkey and mashed almonds and turkey bones and spinach and turkey rolls and a pimpkin smoothie with almond milk but no sugar and chicken breasts and turkey blood

[chanson 9697]

I'm having a Greek Thanksgiving and senselessly murdering some Turks. With my family of course.

 

...It's funny because Greeks hate the Turks, who are from Turkey, and we kill turkeys to eat on Thanksgiving. You get it.

 

Nothing gets me into the holiday spirit more than a good joke about the oppression of the Greeks under Ottoman rule. You should hear my festive jokes about Japanese occupation and war crimes committed in Manchuria during the Second World War. Really gets me into the Easter spirit.

[greggy 15909]

...It's funny because Greeks hate the Turks, who are from Turkey, and we kill turkeys to eat on Thanksgiving. You get it.

thanks for this explanation

[chanson 9697]

Jokes are usually better when they're explained. I learned that from listening to Sean and Hayes. Otherwise I wouldn't get what the hell they were on about most of the time. Their jokes are just so edgy and smart. I'm so dumb sometimes.

 

In fact, from what Sean and Hayes have taught me, I think that if you don't have to explain your jokes to people then they really aren't very good because they're too mainstream. Your comedy should demonstrate your superiority to the audience and then you can explain the jokes to them afterwards so that they can feel like they're actually part of your world, which they aren't. Because, let's be real, how could they be? They don't sell real art at Wal-Mart or teach it in public schools. You don't have time to experience art or understand it if you're working 9-5 at a desk like some corporate slave. You have to be traveling the world, trying new things, being yourself, protesting against Monsanto, eating organic, gluten-free, non-gmo foods. If you want to understand art you have to turn off your tv, stop watching ESPN and scratching your balls and live life.

 

A real artist has contempt for their audience, I think. Otherwise it's not art, it's just business. And art is definitely not business. Not real art anyway. Also, you don't want your comedy to be too accessible or commercially viable because then you'd be a sellout and you wouldn't be staying true to your art form. Someone like Erika Thompson should get it, because she's alt and gets that kind of stuff. But normal flyover people from places that aren't LA, Austin, Portland, or certain neighborhoods of Manhattan and Brooklyn shouldn't get it and will need an explanation. But they probably still won't get it because they're too busy voting Republican and watching Fox News...

 

Another little joke I came up with about the mainstream; you can call them the lamestream... You know, because they're dumb and not as good as us creative types.

[burdrulz 1760]

I finally feel like me, sean, and hayes can relate to something on a 'bigger' level than what we're used to. I myself have a significantly large problem with my co workers or clients or potential clients, reaching out with eyes as wide as saucers, and grabbing big ol' handfuls of my redacted.

 

It becomes increasingly frustrating when I'm presenting work in a meeting or something, and i'm constantly having hands all over my redacted. It's gotten to the point where I have to just keep on going with my business while the other party is 'handful' deep on the redacted train.

 

My magnetic pull is not limited by gender either so you can only imagine how difficult it is to get through my day. On weekends I don't even leave the house in fear of people like the homeless guy digging in my trash out back, manhandling my redacted while i'm taking my dog out to piss.

 

I got into a bar fight the other day at the local 'irish pub' and amidst all the smashing glasses and broken chairs, there's.... you can imagine where it goes from here.

[OcterDoctopus 1079]

Bad news, Scoop Troopers. My contact at Earwolf wasn't able to send me info on the upcoming week's guest. All he was able to text me was this: "Heeeeyy, H&S noticed when I snuck out. Couldn't get you guest info. Sorrs"

 

Still, Ellie Kemper ended up giving us a clue we can use. She had to go shoot Hollywood's Games Nights after her time in the Earwolf studios. If we figure out when that show tapes, then factor in travel time, factor in time she might need to spend in hair & makeup--BOOM we know when the episodes are recorded. That is when we can tweet messages in real-time to annoy Sean.

[hugLife 492]

Call me a selfish, but why are all of the episodes about L.A.? There are obviously bigger cities across the U.S. with some major players. Think about it for 1 second, how cliché is the Hollywood scene?

You probably needed about 5 second to think about an answer, but that is only because of HOW cliché it actually is. So now that you completely agree with my first point, you are probably thinking, "Ok, so what place should they talk about once in a while, NYC?" My response is a stoic, yet passionate "hell no." I want an episode about the booming metropolis known as Norfolk, Virginia.

I don't know if you have been keeping your ears to the ground guys, but Norfolk is the future of the "in-crowd." Sean and Hayes can enjoy their beautiful sunset that is the dwindling importance of L.A., but I will be the one carrying the flame in a few years time. I will call my podcast something original this time around.... I am thinking about Norfolk Notebook.

[ClydeChristopher 16]

are you guys eatin turkey for thaknsgiving?

 

yeah, jive turkeys. #70sThanksgiving

[Toby Keith Sweat 1000]

Bad news, Scoop Troopers. My contact at Earwolf wasn't able to send me info on the upcoming week's guest. All he was able to text me was this: "Heeeeyy, H&S noticed when I snuck out. Couldn't get you guest info. Sorrs"

 

Still, Ellie Kemper ended up giving us a clue we can use. She had to go shoot Hollywood's Games Nights after her time in the Earwolf studios. If we figure out when that show tapes, then factor in travel time, factor in time she might need to spend in hair & makeup--BOOM we know when the episodes are recorded. That is when we can tweet messages in real-time to annoy Sean.

 

Steve Buscemi has been making his podcast rounds outing himself as the original Gaga so I would assume it'll be him.

[Hayzie Bone 843]

You butter believe Damien Fahey is the guest!

 

*post sponsored by butter*

[greggy 15909]

mr damien fahey: what is cocaine like? is it fun? also how does it work, do you eat it or what

[OcterDoctopus 1079]

Damien, I enjoyed your work in The Lawnmower Man and as the pilot on Lost. If I buy the pro version this week, would you please scream my name like a teenage girl on TRL?

 

Also, what's the deal with dog [redacted]?

[kobthatreal 5896]

Dear Damien son of Lucifer, what's it like juggling being the #1 NBA prospect and just being a regular 18 year old college kid at Duke?

[Toby Keith Sweat 1000]

Damien, you were a guest on Cupcake Wars once. My question is how did you keep from eating every friggen cupcake in that joint?

[ClydeChristopher 16]

Damien, If I want to get noticed by producers and studios, what can I do to make their jaws drop?

[mattyzmatty 157]

Damien. How delightful is Myleene Klass, scale of one to seventeen. Thank you.

[scoops123 5]

Damien i understand your nickname is The D-Man how can i get a cool nickname like this?

[OcterDoctopus 1079]

Damien, do you want to go see Hungee Games?

[hugLife 492]

Damien, do you ever wish that "Thomas" was your middle name rather than "Richard" so that you could have cooler initials?

[burdrulz 1760]

Damien,

 

Are you tired?

[Freja 1290]

Damien, can you describe your favorite pizza and provide rationales for each topping?

[Hunter 96]

Question for Damien:

 

Have you ever worried about saying something very rude on live television?

[chanson 9697]

Damien, I don't know who you are.

 

I thought about looking you up, but I realized that I'm not the fucking host of this podcast, so that's not my fucking job and I'm insulted that anyone would insist that it is my job. (With the exception of the people who believe that I am both Hayes and Sean, then it would be my job... so yeah.)

 

With that in mind, please explain why you're qualified to be a guest on this podcast. Also, please explain how you know Sean and/or Hayes. In other words, tell us about what it was like to work with Sean and/or Hayes because apparently that's what qualifies people to be on this podcast. (Coincidence? I think not.)

 

I'd also like to know who gives the best Hollywood Handjob. Hayes or Sean? I assume that's how they compensate people for being on their show... Although, that theory would break down with Ellie Kemper... Unless (ScoopTroop!) she has a secret... Otherwise (and we all know it's true), they've been really lucky to get the guests that they have so far.

 

Love You, Bye.