Transformers: Age of Extinction

[LegionOfEvil 3]

You should really cover this movie. It's got something for everyone on your crew.

• Underage girl in cheeky shorts and 4-inch heels (on a fucking farm).
  
• Action hero using plastic prop like a child's pew-pew laser gun.
  
• Female characters with no personality beyond screaming and whining.
  
• Asian female business executive who is coincidentally a martial arts & motorcycle stunt expert.
  
• Lazy special effects ("I'm tired of animating Transformers, can we just have them transform off camera? Or maybe they could just turn into a pile of cubes and then the pile of cubes becomes a robot?")
  
• Action sequences that are visual nonsense.
  
• Destruction of the same city as the last movie, because they had leftover helicopter footage?
  
• Thomas Lennon trying to save a couple of scenes.
  
• TJ Miller trying to save a couple of scenes.
  
• Lengthy discussion of why it's okay for a 20 year-old to bang a 17 year-old, shortly after a main character has died horrifically.
  
• Dialog that can't be heard over the explosions and shattering glass.
  
• Ethnic stereotype robots.
  

[Quasar Sniffer 4174]

These movies are the fucking worst. Any mocking they receive is well-deserved.

[seanotron 2307]

I wouldn't want to subject our intrepid crew to these movies. Plus I feel like people know precisely what they're getting when they walk into a Bayformers movie. You can't spend money on this and then complain afterward that you were duped.

[LegionOfEvil 3]

The Bayformers movies are like getting a cavity filled at the dentist. The events happen far enough apart that you don't remember how painful and unpleasant the last time was. Plus, the previous ones were bad, but I don't remember being really appalled by dialog in them.

 

SPOILER ALERT:

 

 

 

There is a scene in this movie where one of the main characters has a LAMINATED CARD explaining the Texas law that makes it legal for him to date/bang an underage girl.

[seanotron 2307]

Plus, the previous ones were bad, but I don't remember being really appalled by dialog in them.

 

 

[Snake 165]

 

Every time you post that clip, I die a little inside

[seanotron 2307]

 

Every time you post that clip, I die a little inside

 

IF I HAD TO WATCH IT THEN SO MUST EVERYONE

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

The Bayformers movies are like getting a cavity filled at the dentist. The events happen far enough apart that you don't remember how painful and unpleasant the last time was. Plus, the previous ones were bad, but I don't remember being really appalled by dialog in them.

 

SPOILER ALERT:

 

 

 

There is a scene in this movie where one of the main characters has a LAMINATED CARD explaining the Texas law that makes it legal for him to date/bang an underage girl.

I haven't seen the whole film, but I have caught several scenes over the last few days, and one of them was this whole discussion about how the guy was too old for the daughter, and how the kids didn't think so, and they're citing statutory laws, all while (I assume) they're being hunted by the government and giant killer robots. ALL of these Transformers movies are super fucking long, and it's because of bullshit like this. Need more time between the sensory-numbing madness? Throw in a conversation where a 20-year-old guy explains why it's OK to fuck the protagonist's 17-year-old daughter...

[sillstaw 414]

ALL of these Transformers movies are super fucking long, and it's because of bullshit like this. Need more time between the sensory-numbing madness? Throw in a conversation where a 20-year-old guy explains why it's OK to fuck the protagonist's 17-year-old daughter...

 

This brings up one of the things that bugs me about Michael Bay movies, which is that they are all needlessly long. I don't think he's ever made a movie under two hours long. When you ask an audience to sit still for so long, you'd better have a very good reason for it. Just for example, the "wacky!" antics of the main character's parents getting high on pot brownies are the reason the cutting room floor is a thing.

 

Also, jokes about statutory rape and the age of consent--you know, because that's what all the kids think about when they play with Transformers toys.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

 

 

This brings up one of the things that bugs me about Michael Bay movies, which is that they are all needlessly long. I don't think he's ever made a movie under two hours long. When you ask an audience to sit still for so long, you'd better have a very good reason for it. Just for example, the "wacky!" antics of the main character's parents getting high on pot brownies are the reason the cutting room floor is a thing.

 

Also, jokes about statutory rape and the age of consent--you know, because that's what all the kids think about when they play with Transformers toys.

That's what I've been telling folks too, that Bay's movies in general are just horribly overlong and that he's badly in need of an editor that isn't a) himself or B)/> a total yes man. His movies generally take half the film to get to their second acts, and the storytelling is a mess. For instance, in "The Rock", it takes half the movie to get to Alcatraz because there's like 15 minutes devoted to the subplot with Connery's daughter before that, and then when they DO get there, the entire SEAL team is slaughtered right away. "Armageddon" was similar, and while the training sequences were the best part of the film, we're getting to know quite a few folks that will ALSO be dead or completely unimportant when they get to space. The whole Russian space station scene is the sequence that could have been cut in this one.

 

Oh, and I also caught the scene in Age of Extinction where Prime basically says "I know I said I'd never kill a human, but y'all, when I find out who did this, I'm gonna get fuckin' murderous". Again, something I don't really remember from growing up on Transformers as a kid...

[wyldride 285]

The age of consent in Texas is 17. The character is 17. She's not underage. So any discussion of Romeo&Juliet clauses (if they exist) are moot, laminated or otherwise. There's also a close in age exemption (3 years), if she's underage, but over 14, which isn't relevant since she's 17. So, they could have cut that entire subplot, since it's inaccurate.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

The age of consent in Texas is 17. The character is 17. She's not underage. So any discussion of Romeo&Juliet clauses (if they exist) are moot, laminated or otherwise. There's also a close in age exemption (3 years), if she's underage, but over 14, which isn't relevant since she's 17. So, they could have cut that entire subplot, since it's inaccurate.

So I guess that shows just HOW MUCH Michael Bay wanted a subplot about banging underage girls in his movie if it isn't even an issue where the movie takes place, which I'm sure he or the writers never even bothered to research.

[seanotron 2307]

So I guess that shows just HOW MUCH Michael Bay wanted a subplot about banging underage girls in his movie if it isn't even an issue where the movie takes place, which I'm sure he or the writers never even bothered to research.

 

I'm sure he somehow feels ages of consent are just 'Big Government' intruding into our personal lives.

[wyldride 285]

What I think he was going for was if they started having sex with she was 16 and he was 19 (underage, but close in age exemption) and he turned 20 before she turned 17. That would be covered in the pre-existing sexual relationship thing he's talking about, whereas if they just started boning when he was 20 and she was 16, he'd be in trouble.

 

But what any of this has to do with cars that turn into robots is beyond me. There was almost no statutory rape in the original cartoons.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

But what any of this has to do with cars that turn into robots is beyond me. There was almost no statutory rape in the original cartoons.

There was that "very special episode" though where the Transformer that turned into a bicycle shop invited Spike and his friend Dudley over so that he could take pictures of them with their shirts off. It was...ill-advised, to say the least.

[wyldride 285]

Well, sure, and that one time Arcee gave Daniel and handjob (ironically during the Headmasters series) -- But that's it.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

Well, sure, and that one time Arcee gave Daniel and handjob (ironically during the Headmasters series) -- But that's it.

I think they were struggling with that one, like that episode just didn't fit in anywhere, and then all of a sudden *LIGHTBULB*. It was almost as strong as the episode where Bumblebee got hooked on drugs because he couldn't deal with the pressure of fighting intergalactic baddies during the day and still having to practice complicated dance numbers with his friends at night, all because that big time record exec was going to be passing through town. He was so excited, but also so scared.

[MelissaBecker 79]

Just watched this on Canadian Netflix (if you aren't using an ip proxy to watch Netflix from other countries then you aren't really living) and it is AWFUL. Like, I know. I know they are bad. They are all bad. Although my Mom weirdly liked the first one because "the parents and son love each other so much."

 

My Mom also thinks The Terminator is the greatest love story ever put to film.

 

Anyway, AoE is bad. You get to watch Stanley Tucci give a long speech about Transformium. Kelsey Grammer giving a lecture about the price of Freedom being blood (it is very much like the joke speech that Jason gave during the Demolition Man episode, but it is REAL).

 

Also, the movie ends with Optimus Prime flying away to kill God. The actual bad guy of the film is God. This move is very strange and long and weird and has so many long speeches of award winning actors talking to green screens.

[MichaelBairdsmith 1]

It's time to take on Michael Bay. I watched this last night and it had everything: horribly miscast (Marky Mark as genius/loving father), racial stereotyping (with alien robots?), community theater quality acting, gag-worthy dialogue, and such unabashed distruction of human lives that it was like watching 9/11 happen every 5 minutes for 3 straight hours, but it was all good because the cute guy gets the girl in the end. Also, Dinobots. This is a HDTGM gem.

[Soapstef 36]

I know I should hate this movie..I do hate it for many reasons, but I can't hate it 100%. I think its because I adore Titus Welliver & Stanley Tucci so much! I would have been fine if they were the only humans in the movie.

 

I am so over Walhlberg after The Happening, Ted and Pain & Gain.

 

I will say it got extra points from me for killing the annoying friend Lucas early & having Optimus Prime not be dead for 90% of the movie only to make a miraculous recovery and save the day at the end. I appreciate that Prime is front & center.

 

See they made an effort!

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

I know I should hate this movie..I do hate it for many reasons, but I can't hate it 100%. I think its because I adore Titus Welliver & Stanley Tucci so much! I would have been fine if they were the only humans in the movie.

 

I am so over Walhlberg after The Happening, Ted and Pain & Gain.

 

I will say it got extra points from me for killing the annoying friend Lucas early & having Optimus Prime not be dead for 90% of the movie only to make a miraculous recovery and save the day at the end. I appreciate that Prime is front & center.

 

See they made an effort!

From what I recall, this series HAS had some of the worst excuses for comic relief, seemingly just for the sake of having comic relief. I mean, if the people are ordinarily funny, the material they're given is garbage.