Poseidon (2006)

[NickLuchadore 0]

Just watched Poseidon, the Wolfgang Petersen Das Boot-like whimper. All the water without any of the tension. This was also his apparent career ender.

 

So many seams and questions.

 

1. The opening CGI cinematic, which firmly plants us on a cartoon boat.

2. The CGI lobby, in which of our sense of scale is ruined.

3. Fergie, ala the Love Boat, ala Charo.

4. Kurt Russell's poker scene, where the betting scheme makes no sense AND his daughter ostensibly costs him over $50,000 - yet everyone is all smiles.

4. Kurt Russell's daughter's key trait is that she is in heat.

5. Maggie observing Dylan "clocking" Maggie's finger - twice. Stilted dialogue from here on out.

6. Fergie - again. Plasticine under hot lights.

7. Richard Dreyfuss' seasonal affective disorder (RiDSAD).

8. The bridge has rolling chairs.

9. The only places that flood involve people whose life is worth little (eastern Europeans, poor people) and areas that don't matter.

10. We were shown deaths apace, but later we are supposed to care about some unlikeable individuals.

11. Child ACTING and exposition and exposition and exposition.

12. The ship's captain is primarily an exposition hostess who fulfills token casting requirements. When giving orders he is either ignored or assists guests to their deaths.

13. Fire, electricity, explosions, and water are all anthropomorphilized. They roar, talk, sing, and craft every route and timing for our heroes.

14. Casual smoke inhalation is not nearly the problem we were told about in elementary school.

15. Johnny Drama has no arc and is a hornball drunk even in times of peril.

16. 9 Minutes of closing credits - movie runtime is about 89 minutes.

 

And so much more!

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

1. The opening CGI cinematic, which firmly plants us on a cartoon boat.

I'm sorry, did you say something about a cartoon boat in a disaster movie?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvfU5gzAmHg

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

Also, a rapping animated dog...on the Titanic...

 

[SlidePocket 707]

This film and Stealth tried so hard to make Josh Lucas a Hollywood leading man, but after those two completely bombed, we haven't heard much from him since!

[HipGuide 196]

This film and Stealth tried so hard to make Josh Lucas a Hollywood leading man, but after those two completely bombed, we haven't heard much from him since!

 

 

except in home depot commercials

[RyanSz 3140]

Let's not forget that Kurt Russel's corpse twitches and hits the button needed to stop the propeller to save the other characters.

[MelissaBecker 79]

The saddest thing is that this is a remake of a really pretty good movie (OK, so it's amazingly campy but it features a couple that is a cop and a hooker. Also, Gene Hackman is a priest of some kind and yells about how God can't help anyone. It is the best kind of terrible movie.)

 

Poseidon is just boring where the original is batshit crazy.

[NickLuchadore 0]

To pile on a bit more...

 

17. Richard Dreyfus looks like a drowned rat through most of the movie. The residuals on Krippendorf's Tribe must not pay enough. Bad management on negotiating the backend?

 

18. The electrical systems are bizarre. Randomly placed buttons work underwater. Every scene is lit by ambient sources. The propulsion system has no fail-safes or shutdown systems - they appear to operate on independent meth-infused hamster wheels.

 

19. Exposition leads us to trust that the ballroom is providing the ballast to keep the ship afloat. It caves in and the ship continues to float until....the 86 minute mark. Whew.

 

20. Josh Lucas may or may not be Bradley Cooper. The jury is still out.

 

21. The credit song (Fergie - Won't Let You Fall) sounds straight out of 1991 - the Whitney Houston wanna-be era - post Solid Gold. It's that sweeping ballad sound found on Lite-FM that would seem timeless only to Germans and Hungarians.

[CommentsFromMyPocket 53]

This film and Stealth tried so hard to make Josh Lucas a Hollywood leading man, but after those two completely bombed, we haven't heard much from him since!

 

He is fucking terrrrrrrrible. My hate for him kicked up a notch after (or during) Glory Road where he did his best McConaughey as a southern basketbawl coach.

 

 

5. Maggie observing Dylan "clocking" Maggie's finger - twice. Stilted dialogue from here on out.

 

Apparently Maggie goes for the creepy predatory type because she was all about him from the get go.

 

 

6. Fergie - again. Plasticine under hot lights.

 

She might have been the best floatation device on the ship.

[KatieB 1]

My friends and I just watched this via Netflix Party and we can't stop talking about it. You'll have no idea who any of the characters are or what their relationships are to one another, there's no real reason for this cruise ship to capsize (but that doesn't stop it from being the entire plot!), totally bizarro casting, and plenty of absurd scenarios to confound the viewer (plus one actual moment of real emotional impact??) – but damn if we didn't have a total blast watching this movie and talk about it every single day in the group chat. GARBAGE movie, but also maybe my favorite movie???

Honestly, we thought we were putting on Ghost Ship and we were thrilled we fucked it up.

[MacGruber 9]

As a lover of all oceanic films, I saw this in the theater. It's a solid 5/6 out of 10. It's not as bad as you guys say, and it's also just as bad as you guys say. There is indeed one well done scene with emotional impact that I won't give away just incase they ever do this one. I think the scene where the wave hits the ship is also pretty well done actually, but it does definitely lack that emotional impact because at that point everyone on the ship is just a hollow trope/stereotype. It could have been done better, but it is a pretty dope scene IMO. Hopefully they do DO this one, since I am tired of the ultra low budget fare. MacGruber OUT