EPISODE 105 — Safe Haven

[A Alexander 19]

my two cents: thought the guests were great this week.

[jarrycanada 2483]

In the Directors Edition of this movie the letters and ending are different.

It’s only available on laserdisc so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

 

Dear husband, I can see I really didn't mean that much to you. I haven't been dead less then a year now and you're already running around with the first thing with two legs that shows up at your door. Please take care of our childern, They are all we've got left and is important to me. By the way I managed to store away the Waldenburg family’s fortune from my fathers estate in the house, it's about $10 million dollars worth of money. I would've told you about this before but, you'd probably would of just spend it all on that stupid community store that doesn't make any money. Hope you don't burn the place down, ha ha see you in hell.

 

Dear whore, You couldn't help but wreck your own relationship so you had to go and destroy mine. Hope you and my husband are happy together and that you both burn in hell real soon. When you're not so busy polishing my husband's penis, there is a great estate to be settled here. The Waldenburg fortune is hidden in my home please don’t allow my husband to blow it all on that stupid community store. Why not move to Paris, France. I’ve heard whores do really well there.

 

Hope he tips well.

 

Dear wife , You're not dead, it's just a figure of speech people use. Your far from it, your in an extended care hospital. You don’t remember, you started writing letters to Starbucks and fast food chains complaining about the service and then it escalated from cute to serious mental illness. Please stop writing us letters it’s very upsetting and your destroying my last chance at happiness with my new wife. We really do hope you get well and I wish you the best. P.s what did you mean about $10 million being in the house?

 

And then the movie fades to black with credits. But then...

 

Dear husband, I am really doing well. the doctors say I can come home soon. isn't that great. I look forward to seeing you soon.. better not of spent my money!

[Conal Cochran 21]

Colby Smothers

[Cameron H. 23786]

In the Directors Edition of this movie the letters and ending are different.

It’s only available on laserdisc so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

 

Dear husband, I can see I really didn't mean that much to you. I haven't been dead less then a year and you're already running around with the first thing with two legs that shows up at your door. Please take care of our child, she’s all we've got left and is important to me. By the way I managed to store away the Waldenburg family’s fortune from my fathers estate in the house, about $10 million. I would've told you about this but, you'd probably would of spend it all on that stupid community store that doesn't make any money. Hope you don't burn the place down, ha ha see you in hell.

 

 

That's interesting, however I still don't think they got it quite right. In my opinion, it would be better if the wife stays dead, but in order to get the Waldenburg fortune they have to stay one night in a haunted house. I think this would better set up the horror movie sequel they obviously intended.

[wakefresh 689]

 

He did the same shit in Bloodsport, he jumped on Ray Jackson's head, and flexed his pecs at JCVD.

 

If I'm remembering right, the guy's hand flies up in the air when Bolo jumps on him. It was sort of funny. His pec work was undeniable in Bloodsport. They should have had their own credits in the movie.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

When I read all these "Letter from the wife" posts, I keep hearing that Dido interlude in my head...

[jarrycanada 2483]

 

That's interesting, however I still don't think they got it quite right. In my opinion, it would be better if the wife stays dead, but in order to get the Waldenburg fortune they have to stay one night in a haunted house. I think this would better set up the horror movie sequel they obviously intended.

 

But that doesn't work because the house burnt down. The joke is in the house burning down with all the money in it and some crazy bitch of a wife coming back from the mental hospital, looking for it.

Safe Haven 2, the reckoning

[jarrycanada 2483]

When I read all these "Letter from the wife" posts, I keep hearing that Dido interlude in my head...

 

My brain waves are on Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know

 

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

 

 

My brain waves are on Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know

 

I guess my mind goes more towards "somebody's going to end up dying in the trunk of a car" than simply the old wife telling the new one to suck it.

[Cameron H. 23786]

 

But that doesn't work because the house burnt down. The joke is in the house burning down with all the money in it and some crazy bitch of a wife coming back from the mental hospital, looking for it.

Safe Haven 2, the reckoning

 

To be fair, the fire in the movie is pretty selective. I'm sure they could find a work around.

 

Safe Haven 2: Dangerous Asylum

[Entering the Bone Zone 81]

I haven't been able to meaningfully contribute to this board this week because I cannot recover from Jason liking this movie. Not HDTGM, Fair Game-type liking, but actual like liking.

 

This is so unfathomable to me that I am questioning everything I know, or thought I knew.

 

To quote Zooks from virtually every other episode, "This. Movie. Was. Garbage."

[jarrycanada 2483]

Honey I'm home!!!

 

anything missing from that?

[Cameron H. 23786]

Honey I'm home!!!

 

anything missing from that?

 

Nope. That's pretty much perfect.

[Cameron H. 23786]

Dear Jo,

 

Thank you for your thoughtful note. Yes, I am banging your husband, and it took all of a few weeks after moving here to do so. In fact, it was so easy, I didn't even have to try. Within a few days he was stalking me in the middle of the night, dropping off a bike as some sort of Sparksian courtship ritual. I rebuffed him for this creepy gesture and he still had me posing for family photos on the beach with his cereal commercial kids before we even held hands.

 

I was able to seduce him while looking over my shoulder for my psycho alcoholic husband. I seduced him while displaying absolutely no personality whatsoever: no interests, no original thoughts, no taste in any particular music or culture, no sense of humor or wit. Pretty sure my only skill was that I knew how to smile. Maybe he took one look at me and thought, "That is a woman with whom I can listen to Mark Twain audiobooks."

 

Oh, and I still managed to seduce him despite that one time he thought I was a murderer.

 

So perhaps your hold over him isn't as strong as you'd like to think. Perhaps you weren't as perfect a mother as you thought. Your son was obviously not prepared for the day when a new woman would come along - maybe that's a letter you could have written him? Is that unfair? Yes, but so is dating your imaginary ghost neighbor's husband.

 

And I noticed you wrote your son on his 18th birthday and his graduation day, and to your daughter on her wedding day. SEXIST MUCH??

 

Yours,

Katie

 

Dear Katie (or is it Erin? Have you settled on one yet?),

 

Where do you get off?? I’m dead for fuck’s sake! Do you really think I have time to deal with this bullshit? For that matter, do you know what postage is beyond the Veil? Of course you don’t, because you’re still alive—having slow, passionless sex with my husband. But, since you took the time and effort to slaughter a baby goat under a blood red moon to get your letter to me, I feel compelled to address some of the complaints you have brought to my attention…

 

First of all, of course he is going to go for you! What exactly are his options? He lives in Bum Fuck, South Carolina. It was either your scrawny, milquetoast ass or one of his cousins. You simply meet the minimum criteria of possessing a vagina and not being blood related. Good for you!

 

Secondly, I’m not sexist for only writing her a letter for when she gets married, I’m a pragmatist. Did you see the drawing my daughter made? Fucking garbage! Do you really think she’s going to be going to college? She doesn’t have a lick of talent. Why do you think Alex has her working full time at the store? That isn’t out of convenience; he’s teaching her a trade. Working at that store is her past, present, and future. Getting married to one of the hillbilly yokels in that stupid town is the only thing she has going for her. And, since I am now dead and feel compelled to be completely honest, I never really liked her that much anyway. Did you see her in the picture I enclosed with my previous letter? I didn’t think so.

 

Anyway, I hope this letter has answered you concerns satisfactorily.

 

Hope to see you soon!

 

Jo

 

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

 

 

Dear Katie (or is it Erin? Have you settled on one yet?),

 

Where do you get off?? I’m dead for fuck’s sake! Do you really think I have time to deal with this bullshit? For that matter, do you know what postage is beyond the Veil? Of course you don’t, because you’re still alive—having slow, passionless sex with my husband. But, since you took the time and effort to slaughter a baby goat under a blood red moon to get your letter to me, I feel compelled to address some of the complaints you have brought to my attention…

 

First of all, of course he is going to go for you! What exactly are his options? He lives in Bum Fuck, South Carolina. It was either your scrawny, milquetoast ass or one of his cousins. You simply meet the minimum criteria of possessing a vagina and not being blood related. Good for you!

 

Secondly, I’m not sexist for only writing her a letter for when she gets married, I’m a pragmatist. Did you see the drawing my daughter made? Fucking garbage! Do you really think she’s going to be going to college? She doesn’t have a lick of talent. Why do you think Alex has her working full time at the store? That isn’t out of convenience; he’s teaching her a trade. Working at that store is her past, present, and future. Getting married to one of the hillbilly yokels in that stupid town is the only thing she has going for her. And, since I am now dead and feel compelled to be completely honest, I never really liked her that much anyway. Did you see her in the picture I enclosed with my previous letter? I didn’t think so.

 

Anyway, I hope this letter has answered you concerns satisfactorily.

 

Hope to see you soon!

 

Jo

 

This is bringing me right back to my angry letters to Santa after my parents slipped one time and I started to doubt his existence...

[Smigg 1488]

 

Dear Katie (or is it Erin? Have you settled on one yet?),

 

Where do you get off?? I’m dead for fuck’s sake! Do you really think I have time to deal with this bullshit? For that matter, do you know what postage is beyond the Veil? Of course you don’t, because you’re still alive—having slow, passionless sex with my husband. But, since you took the time and effort to slaughter a baby goat under a blood red moon to get your letter to me, I feel compelled to address some of the complaints you have brought to my attention…

 

First of all, of course he is going to go for you! What exactly are his options? He lives in Bum Fuck, South Carolina. It was either your scrawny, milquetoast ass or one of his cousins. You simply meet the minimum criteria of possessing a vagina and not being blood related. Good for you!

 

Secondly, I’m not sexist for only writing her a letter for when she gets married, I’m a pragmatist. Did you see the drawing my daughter made? Fucking garbage! Do you really think she’s going to be going to college? She doesn’t have a lick of talent. Why do you think Alex has her working full time at the store? That isn’t out of convenience; he’s teaching her a trade. Working at that store is her past, present, and future. Getting married to one of the hillbilly yokels in that stupid town is the only thing she has going for her. And, since I am now dead and feel compelled to be completely honest, I never really liked her that much anyway. Did you see her in the picture I enclosed with my previous letter? I didn’t think so.

 

Anyway, I hope this letter has answered you concerns satisfactorily.

 

Hope to see you soon!

 

Jo

 

Dear Jo(e) (That's right, you have a guy's name! Doesn't that sting a little?!)

 

Oh yeah, I'm sure you're very busy, with all the decomposing in the ground, and giving the devil hand jobs for special treatment. The reason it had to be "slow and passionless" ,as you called it, is because I'm still pristine down there, no kids stretching my shit out, so let's just say, he had to control himself early on, by feeling a little something called "Friction", something your boring ass relationship never had!

 

I was his only option? Really?! Considering there are buses rolling in from both directions on the reg, filled with women who are ready to put it in their mouth, and he chose mine, exclusively! Like I said, pristine, bitch! Oh, and by the way, the only reason why I had to sacrifice the goat is because there are laws against sacrificing your first born son, the little asshole has given me nothing but shit, must be because he remembers that you spoiled his whiny ass, so just say the word, and I'll send the little fucker right down to you! I'm pretty good with a knife, just ask my ex-husband.

 

And that little rant about your daughter is why I'm now "Mommy" to her. Check it out, I'm a "Mommy" and, once again, pristine, bitch! Did she ever call you "Mommy", oh, wait, that's right. It's funny you bring up "Trade", because that's what we're thinking of doing with that whiney douche of a son, we're gonna get a bike in return. I felt a bit weird riding your bike, and your husband.

 

I know you're being such a douche is because the jealousy is just killing... oh yeah, too late for that to happen.

 

Rest in Go Fuck Yourself

 

Katherine.

[OoofMaGOOF 348]

Am I the only one who burst out laughing at the shot where when she's reading the letter (or shortly thereafter?) there's a shot of them walking and they added a silly edit of Colby Smothers (sic) fading away? That's like the wavy, washed out look on flashbacks.

 

Julianne Hough ain't that much, but dammit if Josh Dumahel (sp?) isn't charming, like they said. I kind of think of him as rom-com Timothy Olyphant.

[Kngdkdkssl 56]

1. Have we acknowledged that Husbandcop broke into the general store (that I assumed to be closed) where the little girl was all alone, has a threatening conversation, and after he didn't get any answers, violently slams open the front door and walks right pastsed the Dad coming in. Her dad just witnessed a clearly drunk, angry and excessively sweaty man that his daughter was alone with. His reaction? He SHRUGS and goes "ready?" WHAT. NO. WRONG QUESTION YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

 

2. I'm starting to have real beef with these "lovemaking" scenes in romantic movies. No joke: for a stupidly long time I thought sex was sticking it in slow-mo and just laying on top of each other sighing while pawing at each others' shoulder blades. Ladies, these movies are robbing us of our potential for ugly-faced orgasms from clumsy thrusting. Spread the word: when you make love, no one wins. Or cums.

[Dr. D'zar 8]

Omission: I don’t think it was brought up yet how the son does a back flop (slip and fall) onto a boat, and then falls into the water. In the very least fracturing multiple vertebrae, and practically drowning. His father saves him and then just lets him walk off after he says screw you for saving my life. The child should be in traction for severing his spine and monitored in case of dry (secondary) drowning. Is the son also a ghost?

[Dr. D'zar 8]

Agree to "Entering The Bone Zone" comment...

 

This movie was very slow garbage after the cold open...

[Cameron H. 23786]

1. Have we acknowledged that Husbandcop broke into the general store (that I assumed to be closed) where the little girl was all alone, has a threatening conversation, and after he didn't get any answers, violently slams open the front door and walks right pastsed the Dad coming in. Her dad just witnessed a clearly drunk, angry and excessively sweaty man that his daughter was alone with. His reaction? He SHRUGS and goes "ready?" WHAT. NO. WRONG QUESTION YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

 

2. I'm starting to have real beef with these "lovemaking" scenes in romantic movies. No joke: for a stupidly long time I thought sex was sticking it in slow-mo and just laying on top of each other sighing while pawing at each others' shoulder blades. Ladies, these movies are robbing us of our potential for ugly-faced orgasms from clumsy thrusting. Spread the word: when you make love, no one wins. Or cums.

 

1) Totally agree! And since you brought it up...what was the deal with the slamming open of the door? The fact that the door was stuck and wouldn't open was kind of a mini-runner throughout the movie, but for the life of me I could not figure out what it was supposed to symbolize. This is a movie where they use "Fresh Start" primer for Christ's sake, so we're not exactly starting from a place of subtlety. I refuse to believe that this movie is smarter than me! I mean, I'm certainly not an expert, but I would guess that in most works of art, an open door would symbolize something optimistic, yet in this movie the opening of a door is shot like it's a portent of doom. I guess it's just another case where the writer zigs when you think he's going to zag...

 

2) I'm on board with you on this one as well, Lollibotomy! Every time a person gently caresses a person's face in a movie I feel like someone should shout out, "Hey, those are freckles, not braille! Get your clammy fingers off of my face!" I mean, there's nothing wrong with slow sex, like most people I enjoy sex in all its wonderful varieties, but put some passion behind it dammit! A little bit of hustle never hurt anyone. If the director were to say that neither of the actors had been available for shooting that day and that they merely created the illusion of sex using a couple of mannequins, fishing line, and a system of pulleys, I would not be the least bit surprised.

[the baa detective 64]

Omission:

 

1. Katie only got to see a photo of the dead wife at the end, and the children barely remembered what their mother looked like, which quite possibly means Alex hid away all of Jo's photos. Why?! He kept all the letters. It's obvious he didn't want their children to forget about their mother, and that he wanted her to still have a place in their lives. Plus it's not like he's so tormented by the loss of his wife that a mere look of her face would tear him into pieces. Neither was he actively trying to move on.

 

2. For a woman who got spooked by anything, Katie seemed to be quite trusting to this strange woman with really odd behaviours. Generally, people would think this woman was hiding something. A traumatized, scared woman on the run, having suffering domestic abuse who got spooked by everything would most likely be thinking that this woman could be dangerous, a psycho like her husband, or at least suspicious of her. Katie didn't do any of that!

 

Observation:

 

Alex was a good-looking man, so after his wife died, there were bound to be some women in the town who came chasing after him, wanted to date him or enter the bone-zone with him. Therefore is it possible that the ghost of the wife scared off any woman who came near her husband until Katie came to town? Like if a woman flirted with Alex, she would then be woken up later in night, with a maggots-covered Jo right in front of her face, screaming: "Stay away from my husband, you bitch! You're not the right woman for him! You are not 'her'! He will never go canoeing with you! "

[the baa detective 64]

And the movie Eliza wished someone would made, the movie about the relationship between a woman and the ghost of her new boyfriend's late wife -- I found one that has kind of a similar plot; it's called Over Her Dead Body, released in 2008, starring Eva Longoria and Paul Rudd. It's about a ghost woman who, after killed in an accident, tried to interfere with the relationship between her boyfriend and a psychic. It received negative reviews.

A better movie with a similar plot, mentioned by someone on Soundcloud, would be Blithe Spirit, made by David Lean in 1945.

 

[Entering the Bone Zone 81]

Julianne Hough ain't that much, but dammit if Josh Dumahel (sp?) isn't charming, like they said. I kind of think of him as rom-com Timothy Olyphant.

 

I have to take a little Delores Umbridge with this comment and with the take of our usually reliable hosts. Allow me to drop an SAT analogy on you:

 

Josh Duhamel:Timothy Olyphant

 

as

 

Stefan Urquel (the "cool" one):Denzel Washington

 

The gap between what Duhamel is trying to do and what Olyphant simply has by virtue of charisma and magnetism cannot be overstated.

 

I simply cannot abide Josh Duhamel's performance in this movie being called anything other than the acting equivalent of tapioca pudding. The only explanation for Paul and Jason's reaction to this movie is that Jason's illness caused some sort of Monkey Shines level brain interference/swapping while the pod was being recorded. Did a school bus filled with 10th grade girls pass by the studio at the exact moment the recording began?

[jarrycanada 2483]

I sure hope june gets done washing her hair in time for next weeks show..

 

 

We really missed you this week june.