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Episode 12.5 — Minisode 13

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Statham is being shot into space by the Soviet's using a nuclear powered man-cannon. He must hold his breath until finding oxygen. Crank 3D: Blast In The USSR

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Chev Chelios wakes up to find that to save his life a mad scientist has replaced one of his chromosomes turning him into a woman. Now, trapped in a woman's body he must enter the high estrogen, faint mustache world of underground women's catfightting to find the man responsible and keep himself alive fueled only by lesbian encounters in : Crank 3: (Y) Not. If not a movie, it could be a porno

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Crank 3: Chev Chelios' heart is replaced by a tinier Chev Chelios, which must fight even tinier Chev Chelioses in his bloodstream in order to continue kicking people's heads through telephone phones -- or else he dies!

Crank 4: Chev Chelios must travel back through time to impregnate his own grandmother and kick his own grandfather's sternum through a coffee table --- or else he dies!

Crank 5: Chev Chelios' entire body is replaced with an array of bombs, and only his still-beating heart remains alive to kick a mobster's clavicle into the sun. He must find all his body parts and disarm the bombs -- or else he dies!

Crank 6: Chev Chelios teams up with the Jim Henson Studios to bring you C Is For Crank! Chev Chelios kicks Cookie Monster's eyes into another dimension and must have a Malaysian knife fight with a flamboyantly homosexual Mister Sunffleupagus -- or else he dies!

Crank 7: Chev Chelios' heart is --- filled with love for all mankind! Assembling a crack team of twelve disciples, Chev must kick the original sin of all mankind into Hell and sacrifice his mortal life -- or else he dies!

Crank 8 (Cr8nk): Chev Chelios evolves into a being of pure light and fills every vibrating atom of every cubic micron of the universe in a quantum state of higher being, where he must disarm our booby-trapped Milky Way Galaxy and kick the Horsehead Nebula right in the nuts -- or else he dies!

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Chev Chelios has had his colon replaced with a small jet engine. He must constantly eat fiber rich foods (or non-foods, like an old lady's wig or the tires off a low rider) to keep the engine jammed with his dense feces in order to prevent the engine from taking off, along with his intestines in... Crank 3: Rocket to Uranus.

Chev Chelios has had the left side of his brain replaced by a gasoline engine. While making sure to regularly poor unleaded fuel into his ear, he needs to constantly solve difficult math equations or the engine will stall in.... Crank 3: Desk Duty. I can see a scene when he's holding on to the roof of a speeding car with one hand, while trying to figure out the cars kinetic energy using its estimated speed and weight with a formula he's scribbled on the hood with a crayon.

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chev chelios wakes up to a phonecall from roger ebert telling him he has had his heart replaced by a bomb that will explode if he isnt played by eddie murphy in every other scene.
chev chelios and eddie murphy star in crank 3: Daddy Day Crank

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Chev Chelios wakes up to find out his heart has been replaced with the cast of "The Jersey Shore". In order to stay alive and get his heart back, he has to constantly drink cheap alcohol, Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Oil, hair gel, and have sex with Amy Smart in several public venues - all while wearing a t-shirt before changing into a different, fresher t-shirt. "Crank: Jersey War"

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Chev Chelios wakes up to find out his right foot has been replaced with the right foot of Emilo Estevez. He has 12 hours until infection hits, and until the world's greatest actor dies due to foot loss.

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Jason Statham has 24 hours to close his colon or his adult diaper will give him a rash, in Crank 3: The Dependables
(he was in The Expendables... its a stretch)

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Bombs are placed on each of Chev Chelios' limbs, and if he does not reenact a zany high concept premise from Jim Carrey movies (Can't lie, says yes to everything, detects a pet, plays God) each hour, the bombs will explode in CRANK 3: CARRYED AWAY

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After sneaky ethnic gangsters steal Chev Chelios' eyes, he must navigate L.A.'s seedy underbelly using only his sense of kicks.

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Crank 3: Jason Statham and Keanu Reeves are trapped in a 1966 Volkswagon Bug and Statham has to keep caffeine in his system to keep him awake, but he can't slow down under 25 miles an hour or the car will explode... how will he drive through the Starbucks drive-thru?!?!?!?!

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Crank 3: Crankacolypse
Chelios' flesh is burnt beyond recognition! No more public poon-tang wrangling at the races, OR IS IT? Ethnic Foreigner gang in the heart of SCUM CITY have a new technology - ultra-fuckable fake flesh. But the Big Boss no le gusta to give up the precious material; he needs it to continue running a network of skyscraper bordellos in the heart of downtown Abu Dhabi or something. "Bullshit", bitches Chelios, and he fucks it over to the Middle East where he has to keep his faggot scar tissue out of the hot cocking desert sun. Each scene lasts no longer than 5 seconds and the dialogue is mixed so low compared to the sound-effects that every line must be subtitled in shaky, moving text.

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Crank 3: The Meltdown

With his skin burned to the bone Chev Chelios has 24 hours to find the man who kept that other dudes head alive in the jar (ala Futurama) because he has the technology to replace his skin. But his skin is so torched that he has to keep it moist and lubricated in order for him to move. He must keep finding more and more ways to lube up his entire body to keep him moist before he dies.

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Crank 3: San Francisco Dreamin'
Chev Chelios wakes up in San Francisco and learns that he has been operated on and now has a major protein deficiency: Oedema, which causes the feet and hands to swell up. Perfect for ninja kicking faces in as he has to make up the lack of protein in the gay capital of the world.

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Chev Chelios wakes up in Saudi Arabia to find that he has been kidnapped by Middle Eastern terrorists who have replaced his limbs with gasoline-powered prosthetics. It's a race against time and peak oil as he must drink as much gasoline as possible while finding the men who stole his limbs. Jason Statham stars in Crank 3: High Octane.

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Chev Chellos wakes up in Tiajuana, Mexico in a bathtub full of ice to discover a gang of Mexican thugs (led by Danny Trejo) have stolen his kidneys. Now he has to find someone who can give him a transplant AND have the same blood type as him before he dies of kidney failure. Crank 3: Live and Let Dialysis.

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Jason Statham has a space ship, he meets two guys in an alien bar and must fly them to a Deathstar to defeat a cranky goth with a helmate.

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Crank 3: Very Emotional

Chev is going under the knife one last time to Put his body back to normal. A terrorist poses as a doctor and gives him SUPER CRANKED UP EMOTIONS. Now Chev must go on a man hunt for his real emotions. The only problem now is he gets very emotional along the way and relies on some random hot tough chick to keep him on task. This time Chev Chelios Is....A Little Bitch.

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Chev awakens to discover his penis has been replaced with a high ranking government official's index finger. Everyone is after his "dick" to scan the fingerprint and open doors and vaults and secret documents and whatever other shit they deem reasonable. All the while he's jus' tryin' to get his dick back! It should be called "Crank 3: Finger Bang"... OR, "Crank 3: The Bad Guy Has A Penis Finger?"

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Okay - I'll bite. How's this...?

Chev Chellios awakens in the desert with a green ring on his finger, and some weird alien-looking dying dude telling him he is the New Green Lantern of Sector 2814, chosen because he is clearly without fear, and he should use his powers wis - And Abin Sur gets cut off as Chev blasts into the stratosphere, destroying half the desert in the process, and spends the next ninety minutes using his Power Ring to waste everybody who ever fucked with him in the first two movies, along with most of the West Coast! (Having listened to the show, I'm presuming "F-bombs" are acceptable.)

Gotta admit, it'd be better than that overpriced piece of CGI garbage starring Ryan Reynolds....

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Chev Chelios wakes up and finds that his testicles are missing, replaced with two explosive devices. A Hmong gang lord has stolen them as revenge for Chelios killing his son. When Chelios gets too aroused the explosives will go off. To prevent himself from exploding Chelios needs to go constantly ice, punch, and otherwise injury his groin to keep himself alive while going through the strip clubs of LA to reclaim his manhood.

CRANK 3: BALLS-OUT

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Crank 3: Low Voltage.
In a shocking (get it?) reversal of fortune, Chev Chelios' heart is now ultra sensitive to electricity. Even a spark of static from a piece of fabric could prove fatal and Chelios is forced to avoid, at all costs, women who wear clothes.

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Crank III: Hepatitan C

Chev Chelios awakens to find that while his heart is back in place and pumping away, his liver was damaged in the re-implant surgery. Chev's liver begins detoxifying the healthy cells in his body as if they are diseased. In order to survive the beast within, Chev must drink a lot of alcohol to distract his liver from the rest of his body. (Dwight Yoakum explains all of this clearly.) Until Chev can find a new liver, he must become a heroic lush in Crank III: Hepatitan C. Also, some bad guys are trying to kill him and Amy Smart still wants to fuck him in public.

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Chelios ingests a bacteria that slowly destroys his taste buds. As he recovers and hunts down the anitbodies necessary to defeat the bacteria, he must eat spicier and spicier chilies and peppers to avoid losing his sense of taste FOREVER. This is Crank 3: Muy Caliente!

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Chev Chelios wakes up to find that the russian mafia have transplanted Stalins head onto his shoulder and he only has an hour to get it removed before it takes over his body.To delay this he must get completely drunk and stay that way until he can get the head removed whilst he fights off pissed off mexicans, ticked of triads, a group of renegade firefighter/bartenders and Stalins greatest enemy a resurrected Lenin.
In Crank 3: Crankenstein

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