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ElieB

X-Men: Age of Apocalypse (2016)

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K. I don't actualy want them to do an episode on this piece of crap. Though it is always fun when they get into nerd culture and comics related things. This is more of a suggestion to the board. This is maybe the worst comic movie of the year, which is saying a lot for a year with 2 DCEU crapshoots.

 

Actors and script are so wooden from start to end. Lot of hilarious gems from the villain, like touching an 1970s tv set, somehow connecting to the entire world's information. And, with a creepy whisper, answering 'Leaaarnninnng' when Storm asks him what he's doing?

 

My favorite moment, which came at the very end of 2 hours of hair-splitting boredom(if I had any), was this absurd bit of movie architecture. Now, I always bring up my favorite movie trope whenever I see it cause I think it's hilarious: The antagonist movie architect, ever the douche-bag sniveling arrogant weasel. The movie architect is always worth a laugh. But this is where I draw the line!

 

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When I saw this I wanted to scream. FUCK OFFFFFF XMEN! FUCK YOU SINGER! GTFO!

This is hands down the worst representation of architecture I've ever seen. You CANNOT just design and assemble a $50M mansion/school with your fucking mind and telekinesis! You don't just put up the raw materials in the right order and expect the thing to stand up! There's thousands of measurings and cuts and fitting involved! There's MILLIONS of little pieces of hardware used to assemble the various parts and layers. You know like nails, screws, hinges, glues, tapes, moisture barriers, masonry ties, WIRING, DUCTS, SENSORS, ELECTRONICS, MECHANICAL SYSTEMS, PIPING. FUCKKKKKK YOU JEAN GREY. :angry:

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I'm sorry but that is how they teach you to construct buildings in architecture school. I thought the calculus would be the hardest part but I really couldn't get a grasp on the telekinesis so I switched majors to English.

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Haha it's scary how true that is actually. Architecture school is the bane of my existence. It's only ever been about 5% actual building technology and assembly details. Most students probably assume buildings are put together just like their 3d models. But practice, the real deal, is a whole other reality. Shame on Singer for perpetuating these dangerous myths.

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I've never seen someone get so angry about construction and architecture and I absolutely love it.

 

I think I originally gave this a pass since I saw it right after Civil War and gave it a 3/5 but here's the thing - I was incredibly bored during it and I was high. If a comic book movie bores you and you're already impaired in a way where things are usually better then this is not a good movie.

 

I think I feel about it the exact same way as I do the DC movies from this year, but I also didn't hate them with the passion of a thousand burning suns like a lot of people did.

 

I think the thing that bothers me the most about the new X-Men movies is the crazy time jumps between each one where no one is aging and the only one with an explanation is Mystique.

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What a waste of Oscar Issac.

 

The action was so poor compared to Civil War; even Bats vs Supes had better choreography (I guess because it had less characters onscreen). In Apocalypse you mostly had a bunch of people standing around shooting different colored beams at each other.

 

The Quicksilver scene was an obvious attempt to bank on his scene from Days of Future Past, but it was still the most fun and inventive part of the film. I wish they'd figure out how to do more set pieces like that, with characters using their powers in interesting ways. The only other time was Nightcrawler teleporting everyone.

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Haha it's scary how true that is actually. Architecture school is the bane of my existence. It's only ever been about 5% actual building technology and assembly details. Most students probably assume buildings are put together just like their 3d models. But practice, the real deal, is a whole other reality. Shame on Singer for perpetuating these dangerous myths.

Believe me I know, after six years of studying it including high school I just got fed up with it.

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I mean, I was also kind of upset by Set's pyramid in God's of Egypt. Cause it was in this insane perpetual state of self-destruction&creation. The entire pyramid was shifting around, falling apart and magically being built back up. But whatever, God's of Egypt was just a crazy pants movie about myths. I can take it. Xavier's mansion though is a legit, entirely plausible and realistic building. You can't just tell me it's being built up like a house of cards! I won't be awed and deceived by your telekinesis!

 

It's actually a running joke between my movie-going friend and I, how often I get upset about buildings in movies. Like how I can feel sadder for a beautiful house that gets burnt down in a horror movie than for the actual victims. I mean, what did that house do to deserve that??? Did that sick mid-century modern cottage in the hills transgress in some way? Leave that poor house alone!

 

 

*SPOILERS - FULL BLOWN SPOILERS*

So, x-men... One thing that bothered me about every installment in this new trilogy is the YA-movie way that they cast all the vain, hot young people who are terrible actors. Cause it's more important how it looks, for marketing, than how it looks in motion. I don't buy casting for any movie unless there's a couple normals and an uggo in there. Jlaw has never really looked the part as mystique and she sleepwalks through this threequel. The stories about her not wanting to wear the makeup are pretty infamous. I think the guy playing hank mccoy struck a similar deal because both of those blue freaks are sporting way too much human casual this time around. Not that it matters because both of their mutant-selfs looks awful compared the same effects for the previous trilogy, how did they go backward??? The wolverine or 'weapon x' scene was a fun interlude, but not as good as the quicksilver bit. And the effects behind the wolverine rampage were kinda terrible. He ought to have been shot a hundred times but he doesn't get ripped up at all. His jump attacks seemed like weak wire work. His enraged animalistic facial expression wasn't there either, he looked like he was having too much fun with it.

 

Edit: In principle I'm not opposed to having a bunch of teens in an Xmen movie. That's kind of the whole theme behind x-men. Accepting each others differences and working together through, like, growing pains or whatever. But then don't give your cast of kids a bunch of pointless side roles in the movie, make them front and center. /Edit

 

Also the stupid amount of training montages. Competing, conflicting plot-lines. Too many characters, so they're all undeveloped. Still afraid of using color in designing anything, like costumes. WTF were those ugly "flight suits" they had to wear for the end battle? Soooo dour. Apocalypse himself looked just terrible, top to bottom, T to B. The four horsemen were super uninteresting as far as plot contribution and their make-overs got to be way too much. It was like Apocalypse was going around playing pokemon with mutants. Nooooope. No thank you. And the voice that Oscar Isaacs was doing did not fit with my image of apocalypse. It should be big, imposing and godlike. Instead he was doing his best eddie redmayne whispers impression all movie long. And he had this droopy eye thing going on too, like some senior citizen. Wtf.

 

Way too many scenes just looked like a group of actors standing in green screen. Like waaaaay to obviously. Same with the wire suspension acting in action scenes. And holy shit, the very last scene of mystique giving them an awful training speech in the danger room... felt so un-earned. and then the movie ends on a series of glamour shots of each kid doing their best attitude face for the camera. I'm going to gif them all, cause they're each so bad. Plus a last second shot of the sentinels that look like giant hair-blowers with eyes.

 

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I think I've always hated MacAvoy as Xavier... Just doesn't work. The way he flip flops between self-pity and arrogant go-lucky exuberance is irritating... Both personalities are incredibly unpleasant. Xavier isn't a guy who smiles, you brittish twat. However, I did have a laugh at this moment, perhaps the most dramatic balding of a character in film of all time.

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Believe me I know, after six years of studying it including high school I just got fed up with it.

 

Ugh I'm too god damn stubborn to ditch it. I'm already through the 6 hard years of bachelors and master. But I've been dragging on my masters thesis for way too long... I just wrote 600 words about how shitty xmen aop is instead of wrapping up a chapter. Not that I even want to be an architect cause the licensing process is bananas and I'm only interested in doing residential anyway. I just can't walk away with the massive debt without the degree.

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Jlaw has never really looked the part as mystique and she sleepwalks through this threequel. The stories about her not wanting to wear the makeup are pretty infamous.

This so hard. I agree with everything you wrote but this so damn hard.

 

I was so excited when she got the part because I loved her so much in Winter's Bone and then she got Hunger Games and I basically was the biggest fangirl of all time, but then as she got more popular and got better movies (arguable since Joy was awful) it seemed like everything started pulling her away from this franchise. I don't want to put blame on her though, because I still think she's acting exactly the what Singer wants her to for some reason, like for 20 years Mystique keeps going back and forth between uncaring and caring too much. That's bound to fuck with anyone's character development and acting style. And we know she can stick with a franchise because I loved her as Katniss until the very end. She never once phoned that in imho.

 

I think she understood how boring this was going to be, and how dumb Singer was. Plus she had already announced she was donezo with the X-Men movies, which they really could have done a better job of introducing the new class to take the baton. Where the fuck was Jubilee!? Like seriously where the fuck was Jubilee during that entire fight.

 

Also the introducing Wolverine to Jean made me very uncomfortable knowing their history together. Do not care for that part at all.

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Also the introducing Wolverine to Jean made me very uncomfortable knowing their history together. Do not care for that part at all.

 

:lol: It was absolutely awkward. Like you say, knowing their endgame and wolverine's future obsession with her added this awful sexual tension between a probably 100yo wolverine and a teenage psychic. Eww. And I think, after wolverine runs off into the woods, Scott says something like 'I don't think i like that guy.' ? Thought I remembered some sort of quip referencing the future love triangle.

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I mean, I think it was supposed to be romantically tense because that's all in the comics, but because of the actual actor's age difference (as opposed to ageless comic book characters) it came off as super uncomfortable.

 

On the other hand, Wolvie is supposed to be this frightening beast, especially at that moment in his story. Honestly that scene was the least of that movie's problems.

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I read comics as a kid, but haven't gotten into the perpetual cycle of superhero films. I have seen one X-Men film. I saw Days of Future Past when home sick from work. I thought it was good and piqued my interest in sometime watching the others. However, reading this thread makes me want to not watch them, even if the earlier films are good, because I know disappointment looms. Those GIFs from ElieB are all I need to see from this one. Thanks, team.

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I mean, I think it was supposed to be romantically tense because that's all in the comics, but because of the actual actor's age difference (as opposed to ageless comic book characters) it came off as super uncomfortable.

 

On the other hand, Wolvie is supposed to be this frightening beast, especially at that moment in his story. Honestly that scene was the least of that movie's problems.

Yes that was only one of the many issues about this movie, another one of them being how long they sat on the image of them staring at each other. In an already slow as fuck movie we didn't need what felt like a full 5 minutes of just two actors staring at each other in an uncomfortable fashion.

 

To me it's not just the actors. Yes the fact that there is an implied romantic tension between a 47 year old and a 20 year old is uncomfortable in and of itself, but Jean Grey is a minor in this movie. Their relationship in the comics has always had tension and was on and off again, but introducing that into the movie-verse right at this very moment seems sketchy as fuck. At least in the original trilogy they met when Jean was an adult.

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Yes. An adult, with legs for days. And a brow that said "I'm not afraid of ripping your soul to pieces with my mind, so don't try anything"

 

 

Remember how Xmen 3 Last Stand was considered such a big disaster?? And how in THIS one, singer makes a meta joke about how "the third movie is always the worst" (of a trilogy). I think he was trying to poke fun at Xmen Last Stand because he didn't get to direct it and it flopped. Wellllll jokes on him. Cause AOP and this entire 2nd trilogy was so bad it actually makes me think Last Stand was a masterpiece. It had a legit marvel Civil war feel to it, a great cast, better effects, better costumes, reasonably high stakes, etc.

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Where the fuck was Jubilee!? Like seriously where the fuck was Jubilee during that entire fight.

Speaking of Jubilee, I assume you've seen the deleted mall sequence that made its way online?

 

At least in the original trilogy they met when Jean was an adult.

By that time, Wolverine had moved on to having weird romantic/parental tension with another minor, Rogue.

 

Cause AOP was and this entire 2nd trilogy was so bad it actually makes me thing Last Stand was the best one of the entire series. It had a legit marvel Civil war feel to it, a great cast, better effects, better costumes, reasonably high stakes, etc.

It also had Cyclops dying offscreen, Xavier being reborn in some rando's body, and "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" So, no.

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Speaking of Jubilee, I assume you've seen the deleted mall sequence that made its way online?

Thanks, I didn't know about that.

 

Now I want an 80s teen movie about X-Men that's doesn't even have any fighting in it, more of a John Hughes kind of thing.

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Thanks, I didn't know about that.

 

Now I want an 80s teen movie about X-Men that's doesn't even have any fighting in it, more of a John Hughes kind of thing.

I like it, though my favorites of his had less focus on teens and more on adult angst: Mr. Mom, Vacation and Christmas Vacation, The Great Outdoors & Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Combine the teen angle with Magneto and Professor X in the elder roles, with the latter facing personal bankruptcy on his mutant school.

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It also had Cyclops dying offscreen, Xavier being reborn in some rando's body, and "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" So, no.

This made me legit laugh out loud

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It also had Cyclops dying offscreen, Xavier being reborn in some rando's body, and "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" So, no.

 

These 3 things pale in comparison to the complete shit pile that is AOA. Last stand had just so much more going for it.

Including Ellen Page as Kitty Pryde using her actual abilities - phasing - as opposed to being some stupid consciousness time travel macguffin in DOFP. Which I gather is from the original DOFP comics but everyone knows her as the phasing little sister kinda character / Peter quill's awesome phasing x-men girlfriend from earth.

Mystique taking a cure-bullet for magneto in Last stand gave me more feels than anything in AOA or the entire 2nd trilogy.

 

Last Stand also had a mildly better telling of the dark phoenix stuff. Rather than its horrible use in AOA as that magical ability they needed in order to save the world at the 11th hour, that jean had buried deep down and just needed to let go.

 

How bout the the mind-fights between X and apocalypse? Ooph that was bad. I mean if that's how they want to go, sure. Let them have a stupid fight inside... mind-space? But at least make it interesting, not just Xavier in his favorite casual wear, fighting in the halls of his own mansion, inside apocalypse's mind for some fucking reason. I will take Xavier ascending from his physical form over Xavier literally punching bad guys inside their minds, any day.

 

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There's really no comparing these two. In fact, Apocalypse is the lowest rated one in the entire franchise, excluding origins wolverine., full 10% under Last Stand on ROT. I mean, I won't debate Last stand being the best of them all, that's just like, my opinion man. A new found opinion but one I'm sticking to after 6 movies in the franchise to look back on.

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I am co-signing everything everyone has already said. As far as this movie's concerned, and I feel like the problem with the X-Men franchise overall, is that the first movie really worked--at least for its time--and when Fox looked back on it's success they thought to themselves, "What made this successful?" and came up with Professor X, Magneto, Mystique, and Wolverine. And since then, we have just been force fed the same story over and over, even if the characters don't experience any real growth or if it doesn't make any sense. It's just let's have these four talk in circles for two hours and then have some really disappointing action at the end.

 

Seriously, they have a HUGE catalog of great stories and characters to choose from, but yet I need six movies of Magneto trying to figure out if he's going to be a good guy or bad guy. Truly, if I have to hear Prof X and Magneto call each other "old friend" as they discuss their ideological differences over a chess board one more time, I swear I'm going to rip my eyes out.

 

Also, the casting has been, overall, pretty bad. I just could not take Sansa Stark. Especially this scene:

 

Prof X is being beaten by Turns Things Into Sand-guy, er, I mean, Apocalypse in a dual on the astral plain. Jean is doing nothing. Well, maybe she has a finger pressed to her forehead, but I'm not sure... Then:

 

Prof X: Help.

 

Jean: [stares blankly]

 

Prof X: Help...me...

 

Jean: [stares blankly]

 

Prof X: Help me...Jean.

 

Jean: [stares blankly]

 

Prof X: Jean...use your power.

 

Jean: [dawning realization]

 

Then, instead of doing some cool and interesting, like have her join Prof X on the astral plain in a suit of armor with a kick-ass sword--something they've done many times in the comics and would have been visually cool and exciting--they have her walk slowly and weirdly out onto thin air (even though her powers wouldn't necessarily require her to put herself in such a vulnerable and exposed position), scream, and turn into a unmoving fire bird. Apocalypse dies.

 

What I would have liked to see in this movie is to keep Professor X at home. He gives them their mission and some guidance, but otherwise, that's it. Forget 10 minute origins that can be easily explained in a couple lines of dialog. Omit token cameos of Wolverine which only prove that you have no faith in your franchise if he's not in it. Have Apocalypse gather his horseman--and then instead of monologging for an hour plus--also amass an army of disenfranchised mutants. I mean, he's trying to make a world culled of the week and comprised only the strongest, right? Isn't that something that might appeal to someone like, I don't know, Nightcrawler--a mutant with awesome power but is looked down upon because he can't pass for human? That's your movie. The drama is in the characters trying to decide if they want to join with this kind of Trump-esque figure full of promises of how he is that answer to all of your problems by deflecting the blame on others, or, you know, be cool and fight for what's right.

 

Also, I know Psylocke wore that getup in the eighties and nineties, but not only does it look both ridiculous and terrible in real life, the comics themselves have long discarded that outfit for something more appropriate. It's like you're telling me that all the other characters' costumes are up for grabs, but the now defunct Psylocke garb is fucking gospel.

 

And, to touch on another topic that's been brought up, Last Stand was total garbage, and in a different way, just as bad. Not only was the Last Stand horrible for all the reasons Dan brought up, but I will never forgive it for one of the dumbest moments I've ever seen on screen. At the end of the movie, the X-Men line up to face off with Magneto and Wolverine tells Kitty (because her power is to phase through stuff) to go phase through the prison cell and rescue the mutant whose power (we all know) is to nullify other mutants powers...In other words, the absolute dumbest plan imaginable. Oops. Looks like you're stuck in here with me! *sad trombone* Who could have possibly foreseen that as being a fairly significant problem?It's like they never even heard of mission briefings...

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The drama is in the characters trying to decide if they want to join with this kind of Trump-esque figure full of promises of how he is that answer to all of your problems by deflecting the blame on others, or, you know, be cool and fight for what's right.

 

See, I preferred the dramatic stakes in Last stand because they're actually much closer to this. For the entire mutant race to be confronted with the possibility of a "cure" and whether or not it's a good thing or whether they should have the right to choose that "out". Cause not all powers are as inconspicuous as, say, Storm or whatever. The idea that the powers were a curse to some mutants and that they might want the cure was a perfectly valid plot point that would lead to that sort of confrontation with the added fear that humans would force it on them. Based on that alone i think it had the best plot of the bunch, though X2 was the most well crafted cinematically.

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See, I preferred the dramatic stakes in Last stand because they're actually much closer to this. For the entire mutant race to be confronted with the possibility of a "cure" and whether or not it's a good thing or whether they should have the right to choose that "out". Cause not all powers are as inconspicuous as, say, Storm or whatever. The idea that the powers were a curse to some mutants and that they might want the cure was a perfectly valid plot point that would lead to that sort of confrontation with the added fear that humans would force it on them. Based on that alone i think it had the best plot of the bunch, though X2 was the most well crafted cinematically.

 

Yeah...I realized I just proposed the plot for Last Stand after I wrote it. I agree (obviously) that it's a good concept, I'd just like to see it executed competently.

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With the stinger at the end of this movie concerning the person getting mutant samples, I have to wonder where they are going to take this film series next, because as far as villains go in the X-Men universe, Apocalypse is basically the end all be all of bad guys that they have faced, for Christ sake his name is Apocalypse. Unfortunately, the stinger was such a deep cut for the X-Men canon that even I had to look up what the hell it meant and was actually interested to see where they would take the character featured, but again I have to wonder how they will construct a story around him.

 

I feel that they are better suited to making an original storyline like they did for the first X-Men and First Class or pulling pieces of various stories and making something original like they did in X2. Trying to recreate famous storylines just doesn't work because there is so much history and time behind the given story that it will most certainly not hold up in comparison. Civil War is a great example of altering a story while keeping some of the major bullet points, the comic could never work in the MCU because there are no superpowers or mutants in that universe, which was the basis of the original rift between superheroes, so Marvel tweaks it to fit their world while keeping the same tone of the story and it works exceptionally well.

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Personally, despite how much I loved Civil War, I still think it happened too early within the timeline of the MCU.

 

But I completely agree with Ryan that they did the story perfectly with how the MCU is set up. I just wanted more depth to the Tony & Steve friendship that I feel like had been lacking in the previous movies.

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Personally, despite how much I loved Civil War, I still think it happened too early within the timeline of the MCU.

 

But I completely agree with Ryan that they did the story perfectly with how the MCU is set up. I just wanted more depth to the Tony & Steve friendship that I feel like had been lacking in the previous movies.

 

I'd agree it happened too early. Mostly because there weren't enough earth-based heroes yet and because they couldn't "kill" Cap with another avengers on the horizon...

 

But sure, they got the bullet points and cobbled together a good story. I think it really worked well with Stark cause they've spent so long developing his feelings of guilt and remorse.

 

The Caps are my favorite of the sub-franchises but I was hoping they would follow his civil war series a little closer. Have Cap turn himself in when collatoral starts piling up and be assassinated on his perp-walk. And then we could have had Cap's letter to Tony, asking Stark to help Bucky as his final wish. -> Cue darker spy-thriller captain america movies, with more roles for black widow and bucky.

 

Edit: There are some great comics after caps death of Bucky struggling to come to terms with being the new Cap. Drinking at a bar, watching the news. Seeing nothing but protests and riots and discontent in america. Losing his cool when idiots at the bar won't stop talking shit about Steve(post civil war and cap going against the law). Brooding on what it even means to be captain america anymore. It's an amazing series that would be more relevant now than ever.

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