Episode 157 - Surf Ninjas: LIVE!

[FisterRoboto 7499]

 

I'M SORRY I MISSED THAT POST GAH

I am totally and authentically upset about this.

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

I'm a little taken aback that so many posters turned the movie off 15 minutes from the end. Why slog through so much dreck to miss what was bound to be some kind of ninja-style payoff? On top of the giant flight of stairs (how MANY TIMES could that guy have stuck a leg out to stop falling on step, I don't know, FOUR?), you missed out on this, which genuinely had me throw something at the television for the first time since 'Dreamcatcher'.

 

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

Also: Cameron H? You're letting the team down with your forum signature game, bro. The ep has been out for half a day already.

 

[FisterRoboto 7499]

I'm a little taken aback that so many posters turned the movie off 15 minutes from the end. Why slog through so much dreck to miss what was bound to be some kind of ninja-style payoff? On top of the giant flight of stairs (how MANY TIMES could that guy have stuck a leg out to stop falling on step, I don't know, FOUR?), you missed out on this, which genuinely had me throw something at the television for the first time since 'Dreamcatcher'.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=be5OgWR7EKM

It wasn't my fault! My version cut off. That's what happens when they pick movies that aren't available to rent online. I almost ordered it off of Amazon, but they only had it as a $5 add-on to another order or $30 for the DVD from 3rd parties. And I wasn't down for either of those. I did see y'all talking about the Barbara Ann scene on Letterboxd, and I was almost curious enough to check that out. But I just didn't care by that point.

[Cameron H. 23786]

Also: Cameron H? You're letting the team down with your forum signature game, bro. The ep has been out for half a day already.

 

 

 

 

Here's the deal. I had a quote, but I only wrote down a couple of key words and didn't bother to attribute it. I figured the Surf Ninjas script would be online and I could go back and get it. But, no. Apparently the world has all but totally disavowed this movie. And since it's only available on YouTube, the only way I can get that quote again is if I watch the movie again. I don't want to do that, CakeBug, and you can't make me!

 

But thanks! Thanks for calling me out and making me look like an idiot. I'm going to hide in my room and cry for days.

[tomspanks 9039]

I was slipping in and out of consciousness while watching this movie, so I want confirm if this actually happens or I was dreaming. The younger brother slides down the jungle while using Tone Loc as a human surf board? Like, that's way more extreme than Xander Cage's jungle skiing.

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

But thanks! Thanks for calling me out and making me look like an idiot. I'm going to hide in my room and cry for days.

 

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

I was slipping in and out of consciousness while watching this movie, so I want confirm if this actually happens or I was dreaming. The younger brother slides down the jungle while using Tone Loc as a human surf board? Like, that's way more extreme than Xander Cage's jungle skiing.

You didn't dream it. Tone Loc falls harder than his record sales in 1991 (kazing) and little brother jumps on the back like he's all,

 

 

ETA: but no, for real, Tone Loc should straight up have been impaled on some kind of jungle undergrowth. That was a Goonies-smooth ride through uncleared bush.

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

VERY IMPORTANT POST.

 

Have you ever hoped to consider what the quotations from Surf Ninjas would appear as if they were attributed to Sylvia Plath?

 

Wonder no more, friends.

 

http://sylviaplathsurfninjas.tumblr.com/

[Smigg 1488]

Awesome, I loved Nicole Byer in the Bloodsport episode.

[FisterRoboto 7499]

I wanna talk about Tone Loc for a second.

 

First off, the song about the mosquito on his dick that Nicolas Cowan talked about is actually called "There's a Skeeter on My Peter," and it's an old song (according to Wikipedia, it dates back to at least 1927) that's sung to the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It"

 

But more importantly, who the fuck cast him in this movie? This is ostensibly a children's movie. Who was like, "You know who we HAVE TO get for this? The guy that sang a song about date rape drugs." But also, why did he say yes? Was he trying to get into acting? Like, Ice-T broke out a few years earlier with his role in New Jack City. Did he think this was his NJC?

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

But more importantly, who the fuck cast him in this movie? This is ostensibly a children's movie. Who was like, "You know who we HAVE TO get for this? The guy that sang a song about date rape drugs." But also, why did he say yes? Was he trying to get into acting? Like, Ice-T broke out a few years earlier with his role in New Jack City. Did he think this was his NJC?

 

Blame Renny Harlin for putting him in Ford Fairlane. I remember him being pretty good in Ace Ventura the following year...

[firsttimecallerlongtimelistenr 3590]

i thought my favourite part of this episode was going to be nicole's reaction to ernie taking off his shirt but then rob became the jason of the group when he yelled at the guy who shouted out the wrong thing BUT THEN paul surprises everyone with the extra special guest ... i really enjoyed this episode .. Pwansu dudes!!!!

[Cameron H. 23786]

But more importantly, who the fuck cast him in this movie? This is ostensibly a children's movie. Who was like, "You know who we HAVE TO get for this? The guy that sang a song about date rape drugs." But also, why did he say yes? Was he trying to get into acting? Like, Ice-T broke out a few years earlier with his role in New Jack City. Did he think this was his NJC?

 

Seriously. And the fact that he could clearly give two shits about being there. I was just thinking, "If even Tone-Loc is phoning it in, then your movie is in some real trouble."

[FisterRoboto 7499]

 

Blame Renny Harlin for putting him in Ford Fairlane. I remember him being pretty good in Ace Ventura the following year...

True, but he had a pretty small role in The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (similar to Ice-T in both Breakin' movies). I like to think he was convinced Surf Ninjas was going to be his breakout.

[firsttimecallerlongtimelistenr 3590]

the bit where everyone started surfing was because they had to get from one island to another island without getting shot but they couldn't use a boat because of a big reef or something which didn't really matter anyway because ernie sr had sunk their only boat.

 

they're on the hill top and adam has a vision of surf boards so he asks if the locals are any good at wood carving to which kelly hu answers "some of the best in the world". the next shot is ernir jr giving everyone instructions on how to surf "bend your knees .. use your arms" .. so i'm guess no one has ever surfed before ...

 

my question is ... why doesn't anyone, on an island full of trees and with some of the best wood carvers in the world, have some sort of canoe? i've been on a surf board twice in my life and both times i nearly killed myself but whenever i've been in a canoe i got to where i needed to go with no such issue .. ok maybe the trees aren't big enough to make canoes ... then make a few rafts and enough paddles for everyone.. way easier, they would still be on the surface of the water so no risk from the reef and Tone-Loc wouldn't be shunned by his friends when he gets back home .. it's win/win .. but i guess rafting ninjas doesn't sound as much fun as surf ninjas

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

the bit where everyone started surfing was because they had to get from one island to another island without getting shot but they couldn't use a boat because of a big reef or something which didn't really matter anyway because ernie sr had sunk their only boat.

 

they're on the hill top and adam has a vision of surf boards so he asks if the locals are any good at wood carving to which kelly hu answers "some of the best in the world". the next shot is ernir jr giving everyone instructions on how to surf "bend your knees .. use your arms" .. so i'm guess no one has ever surfed before ...

 

my question is ... why doesn't anyone, on an island full of trees and with some of the best wood carvers in the world, have some sort of canoe? i've been on a surf board twice in my life and both times i nearly killed myself but whenever i've been in a canoe i got to where i needed to go with no such issue .. ok maybe the trees aren't big enough to make canoes ... then make a few rafts and enough paddles for everyone.. way easier, they would still be on the surface of the water so no risk from the reef and Tone-Loc wouldn't be shunned by his friends when he gets back home .. it's win/win .. but i guess rafting ninjas doesn't sound as much fun as surf ninjas

This is SPOT ON. I couldn't get past the thought about how HEAVY those boards would be, just hewn out of solid timber. Without wax or treatment those boards would get heavier and heavier, would start absorbing the seawater, and would have a really hard time cutting through the water. Even with the fact that surfing is really hard and all of those people (including Iggy, whose whole "I don't surf" thing is just abandoned) start cutting up barrels like they're Kelly Slater, the boards they're on would be like surfing a pier.

[Cameron H. 23786]

Great episode!

 

Ugh! Guys! This was seriously a tough one to get through. There's just so much about this movie that I just don't get. I mean, let's just start with Eyepatch's flashback. When relaying the history of their island to the

, he tells them that there has been peace on the island for "4,000 years." I mean, wow. That sounds really great. But then, when he goes into the specifics, he says that Johnny is destined to assume the inherited position of "Warrior King." Correct me if I'm wrong, but does a nation that has known nothing but peace for four millennia really need a warrior for a king?

 

Also, in the same flashback, after Eyepatch witnesses Nielson's head be gruesomely squashed like a prune by a panicky pachyderm, we see him immediately dumping the boys into the sweaty arms of some weird American ex-pat--a man who they will grow up calling "father." My question is, why? Homeboy just had his head stomped in by a motherfucking elephant. Did you really just assume that he would survive that?!? Why wouldn't your first instinct be to walk the ten feet over to his mangled body and check to see if he's still alive? And even if he is still alive, you'd have to imagine, after having an elephant smash in his skull, that most of the fight is probably out of him. Finish him for fuck's sake! And if you believe he's already dead, why are you rushing to dump the kids off with the nearest weirdo sailor you can find?

 

After that moment, I honestly couldn't hear him talk about the plight of the people on the island anymore. Hey man, all the suffering that Neilson's character inflicts upon the poor people of Patu San is a direct result of you not doing your goddamn job!

[Elektra Boogaloo 3371]

I tweeted to Nicole Byer and said she had more chemistry with Ernie Reyes Jr than Kelly Hu did and she faved it. So I'm happy about that. DYING to know her take on TMNT Secret of the Ooze now though. We need to redo that episode with Nicole and Tatiana Maslany. Hopefully they will not do racist accents.

 

I only know Kelly Hu from X2: X-Men United. I have a correction/omission from that film. Since--full disclosure--I did not watch this one. She plays Lady Deathstrike who is a villain in the comics. But in the film it is shown that she is under mind control by William Stryker. There is even a scene where she seems to not want to do what he says and he forcibly pulls her head down (in a very rape-y way!) Later, Scott/Cyclops is under the same mind control and Jean basically yells "fight it" at him and he is straight up fine and back to normal really quickly. Except when Wolverine fights Kelly Hu's character, he straight up murders her. AND IT IS A CHEER MOMENT IN THE FILM. What the fuck, Bryan Singer?

[Cameron H. 23786]

the bit where everyone started surfing was because they had to get from one island to another island without getting shot but they couldn't use a boat because of a big reef or something which didn't really matter anyway because ernie sr had sunk their only boat. they're on the hill top and adam has a vision of surf boards so he asks if the locals are any good at wood carving to which kelly hu answers "some of the best in the world". the next shot is ernir jr giving everyone instructions on how to surf "bend your knees .. use your arms" .. so i'm guess no one has ever surfed before ... my question is ... why doesn't anyone, on an island full of trees and with some of the best wood carvers in the world, have some sort of canoe? i've been on a surf board twice in my life and both times i nearly killed myself but whenever i've been in a canoe i got to where i needed to go with no such issue .. ok maybe the trees aren't big enough to make canoes ... then make a few rafts and enough paddles for everyone.. way easier, they would still be on the surface of the water so no risk from the reef and Tone-Loc wouldn't be shunned by his friends when he gets back home .. it's win/win .. but i guess rafting ninjas doesn't sound as much fun as surf ninjas

 

 

This is SPOT ON. I couldn't get past the thought about how HEAVY those boards would be, just hewn out of solid timber. Without wax or treatment those boards would get heavier and heavier, would start absorbing the seawater, and would have a really hard time cutting through the water. Even with the fact that surfing is really hard and all of those people (including Iggy, whose whole "I don't surf" thing is just abandoned) start cutting up barrels like they're Kelly Slater, the boards they're on would be like surfing a pier.

 

Not to mention, surfing can be EXHAUSTING! These assholes paddle, I don't know, one, maybe two miles over to Nielson's Island Fortress--slowly and in broad daylight. By the time they got there, they'd all be dead on their feet. Not exactly the condition you want your warriors to be in when going into a battle to the death.

 

Canoes make waaaaaaaaay more sense. They live on a goddamn island. They can make a fucking boat.

[NathanGordon 1096]

I only know Kelly Hu from X2: X-Men United. I have a correction/omission from that film. Since--full disclosure--I did not watch this one. She plays Lady Deathstrike who is a villain in the comics. But in the film it is shown that she is under mind control by William Stryker. There is even a scene where she seems to not want to do what he says and he forcibly pulls her head down (in a very rape-y way!) Later, Scott/Cyclops is under the same mind control and Jean basically yells "fight it" at him and he is straight up fine and back to normal really quickly. Except when Wolverine fights Kelly Hu's character, he straight up murders her. AND IT IS A CHEER MOMENT IN THE FILM. What the fuck, Bryan Singer?

If it makes you feel any better, in the comics Lady Deathstrike (and friends!) end up literally crucifying Wolvie and leaving him in the Australian desert for days/weeks/who knows. Jubilee actually then makes her debut and nurses him back aaaand that's about when I stopped reading X-Men because I was 14 and started buying weed.

 

I mean Bryan Singer screwed up LOTS of things in those movies and is laying his weird rapey chauvinism on top of comics that are not on super progressive ground all the time (or clumsily so).

 

Speaking of which, I'm surprised there wasn't a Surf Ninjas comic book; 1993 would have been ripe for that.

 

Canoes make waaaaaaaaay more sense. They live on a goddamn island. They can make a fucking boat.

This is SURF NINJAS, not CANOE NINJAS, duh.

 

On the other hand, during their "motosurfing" they're using paddles -- like a canoe! There's never any callback to that, despite the film kinda beating it into the viewer for several minutes.

[FisterRoboto 7499]

On the other hand, during their "motosurfing" they're using paddles -- like a canoe! There's never any callback to that, despite the film kinda beating it into the viewer for several minutes.

Speaking on motosurfing, when the cop pulls over the other car for motosurfing in the opening scene, he shows them the oar and says quite dramatically, "I wish I was wrong just once."

 

At that point, this movie should have turned into a hardboiled, gritty police drama thriller about a lone cop trying to bring down underground motosurfers. I would have watched the fuck out of that movie, and it would have been a billion times better than fucking Surf Ninjas.

[Cakebug Tranch 6873]

This is SURF NINJAS, not CANOE NINJAS, duh.

 

I dunno, I think kids would still watch Canoe Ninjas. Surely 'ninjas' is the coolest part of this.

 

Anyone else get thinking of 'Airborne' and its random generic surf scenes off the top and how similar it was to the generic surf scene when the two stunt men actors surf and accidentally surf-board-murder the scuba ninja?

 

And THEN! The teacher at the school who gets Ernie Junior to sing Beach Boys because he's Asian is played by the director of the film, just like how the terrible teacher in 'Airborne' is played by the writer of the movie?

 

I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I AM NOT SUGGESTING A CROSSOVER UNIVERSE.

 

 

Although I would love to see a fight between Iggy and Wiley. Wiley would crush him.

 

 

 

 

Anyway, in both Airborne and Surf Ninjas the terrible teacher is played by someone on the crew who should know better.

 

I mean, seriously. Why ask Ernie Junior to do a cultural presentation at this school? He's clearly a burnout that the teacher doesn't trust. Why doesn't he ask to see his presentation in advance? How long did he have to get ready for Mr. Wu to come to the school? If this is such a big deal, why does he just throw Ernie Junior under the bus? Add to that the fact that the auditorium is full of kids, many of whom are Asian, so it's not as though Ernie Junior is the only 'ethnic' kid at a whitebread school.

 

What is Barba Ram doing at that school anyway? I would like him to be a member of the Jump Street team.

 

On top of this, when Ernie Junior sings his song for Barba Ram, he changes the phrasing so it's clearly in tribute to the great man: "Bar-bar-bar, Bar-barba RaM". Of course the song is about going to a dance, looking for romance, so he saw this Eastern Mystic and thought he'd take a chance...

 

When they sing the song in the end, it's not the Barba Ram version anymore, it's back to 'Barbara Ann', but Barba Ram is taking lead vocals, and now he's singing about how he went to the dance, looked for romance, etc. Once Barba Ram's job was done in Santa Monica, did he then head straight back to his oppressed island home in shame? Did he ask no one about who this lost Prince guy might look like before the coronation? Why is he so surprised?

[FisterRoboto 7499]

Anyone else get thinking of 'Airborne' and its random generic surf scenes off the top and how similar it was to the generic surf scene when the two stunt men actors surf and accidentally surf-board-murder the scuba ninja?

 

And THEN! The teacher at the school who gets Ernie Junior to sing Beach Boys because he's Asian is played by the director of the film, just like how the terrible teacher in 'Airborne' is played by the writer of the movie?

 

I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I AM NOT SUGGESTING A CROSSOVER UNIVERSE.

Speaking of "Airborne," when they kept talking about the ridiculous steps in Patusan, I was just thinking about how someone should have rollerbladed down them.

[H.P.Hovercraft 119]

"Hey dudes, isn't school the worst? Sure hard being a teen!"