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Blast Hardcheese

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Blast Hardcheese last won the day on October 27 2018

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About Blast Hardcheese

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  • Birthday 02/14/1929

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  1. I remember watching this movie and Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters back-to-back one day when I was home sick (and, apparently, mentally impaired). It seemed like a great double-header idea at the time, but ultimately left me feeling sick; like eating an entire box of Peeps and chasing it down with cotton candy and Jolt Cola.
  2. Thank you for bringing this up. I was a little confused as to if Mrs. Ricky Martin was actively teaching science biology. In the beginning of the movie she sees her kid off to school and then goes back home to mill around in the kitchen. Shouldn’t she already be a school by this time in the morning? But, yeah... not to clothes shame Mrs. Ricky Martin, but is a tight skirt, pumps and fishnet stockings the best outfit for a science biology teacher to wear to school?
  3. I love it when the dialogue in shitty movies is clearly speaking to the audience because it doesn't trust them to pick up on visual cues. This movie had an overabundance of this sort of gap-filling. My favorite example of this is when Kim Basinger's Mrs. Ricky Martin cuts the cop/goon/professional wrestler's arm with a shard of glass after he discovers that she's found a way to use the phone in the attic. She slices the inside of his arm and he gets all shaky and asks her what she did to him. She then proceeds to give this dying man a "science biology" lesson on the brachial artery and how he will bleed-out and 30 minutes. Time is of the essence and she needs to rescue her kid and get the hell out of there... and she's lecturing this dying goon on arterial blood flow?!? Had she skipped this One to Grow On, she would have had ample time to bust Ricky Martin Jr. out of the garage and escape before Angelino-American Jason Statham and his crew returned. Then I read this comment on the movie's IMDB Goofs page: When Jessica cuts the goon's arm she tells him that he will bleed 30 liters/minute. The blood flow through a brachial artery is nowhere near that much. During vigorous exercise the entire heart puts out a total of 30 L/min, but that's the sum total flow through every artery of the body. The flow though a single brachial artery is fraction of that. In addition, the goon was not vigorously exercising. At rest, the cardiac output is about 5 L/min.
  4. I had an idea similar to yours. Each week, a different guest would interview Paul based on a starter paragraph outlining one of his past misadventures. And this podcast would be called How Did We Get Scheer?
  5. The one line that got me the most in this movie was MJH describing her exceptionally spacious loft apartment as a crappy dump. Mind you, it is decorated in copious amounts of curtains (even the bathroom is partitioned in bathtub curtains - which, for any date she brings home that suddenly needs to take a dump, is very unfortunate, audio-wise). Even in 2007, her loft apartment would have been going for big bucks, and her artist ass would have been gentrified out of that space once the Yuppie transplants started moving into the urban core. The ice skating scene really got me because the bandstand is in the middle of the frozen lake or lagoon or whatever that body of water is. Does this mean in the autumn, spring and summer months, the bandstand is just floating out in the middle of the water? If you were kidnapped and granted access to a cell phone, which number would you call first? If you said "911," then you are a fuckin' idiot! Everyone knows you call your vacuous girlfriend's drunk parents first. MarLo and the dad go into town for "extra virgin olive oil." MarLo get's no help from the store owner when he explains he's been kidnapped and needs to use the store's phone. His next move should have been to tackle the dad, grab the car keys and drive the fuck outta there. I mean, right? During the dinner scene, MJH's sister admits to her parents that she has taken her tuition money and is going to open a palattes studio in California. The dad seems mildly angry, but not nearly as angry as he should be. His daughter basically embezzled tens of thousands dollars in tuition payments under the false pretense of going to law school so that she could have seed money for her new studio 3,000 miles away. On that notes, when learning that his daughter is moving to California, the dad makes a very dated crack about this being the place where are the whackadoos live. Hey Dubya, that line would have worked in John McClane's day, but it's 2007. Have you been to Florida?
  6. Blast Hardcheese

    Episode 201 - Skyscraper

    With the right amount of Zucker Abrahams Zucker retooling--and if Leslie Neilsen were still alive--this movie could have been a great Die Hard parody titled... Try Hard! (((Ba-duh-dun.)))
  7. Blast Hardcheese

    Celebrate #HDTGM200 !!!

    What was your first episode of HDTGM? My first episode of HDTGM was Punisher: War Zone. Years after this movie's theatrical release, I was curious-enough to watch this gonzo action film. After doing so, I scoured the Internet for more information on it and stumbled upon the HDTGM episode with Patton Oswalt and director Lexi Alexander. I was hooked on this show--the first I have actually ever listened to--instantly. From there, both my wife and I started devouring all of the back episodes between the weeks when new episodes would appear. My wife, Amy, now listens to a wide range of podcasts (My Favorite Murder, James Bonding, The Dollup, Myths and Legends, Sordid Details, Do You Need A Ride?, etc, etc.), and her listening habits/fandom can be directly attributed back to HDTGM. When Patton Oswalt came to Powell's Books here in Portland to promote his book, Silver Screen Fiend, my wife and I asked him to sign a DVD copy of Punisher: War Zone (which he graciously did) and we thanked him for essentially introducing us to this wonderful podcast that has been a huge part of our lives. Favorite catchphrase? "Hello people of Earth." While "What's up, jerks" and What's it's mission?!?" are great catchphrases, Paul's "Hello people of Earth" will always be my favorite. This is going to sound cheesy, but Paul's introduction makes me feel, as a listener, included in on this wonderful thing only my fellow bad movie-loving misfits know about and enjoy. A clip or moment that you'll always remember? (timestamps are nice ) The one moment from an episode that comes immediately to mind is from the Batman and Robin episode where Jessie Falcon does the imitation of the X-Men movie producer: "They will be on snowboards, claw fighting the entire way down." The episode you revisit the most I bring this episode up quite a bit, but hands-down my favorite is 88 Minutes. This episode is nothing but wall-to-wall jokes, laughter and spot-on insight into an insane (and insanely re-watchable) movie. Pete Holmes laughter is infectious, and his Al Pacino impression ("Give me your fuckin' phone, you cock sucker!") is absolutely amazing. This episode (much like this week's, Action Jackson) is so much fun to listen to. It's one I definitely go back to when I need a comedy pick-me-up. The movie that you loved or hated watching Van Helsing. I both loved and hated this movie. I remember only watching the first couple of minutes of this movie when it first came out on home video and turning it off about 10 minutes in: the campy acting and trite action movie plot were too much for me at the time. Thankfully, when it was announced for HDTGM, I watched it from beginning to end with my wife, who was absolutely giddy at the film's sheer a awfulness. Seeing her enjoy the insane plot contrivances, blistering CGI and over-the-top hammy acting made watching this film so much fun. My wife's pretty much the best bad movie watching partner in the world. How HDTGM fits into your weekly routine I have Fridays off from work, which is when new episode and minisodes usually land. While I'm straightening up the house, doing laundry and generally getting shit done, HDTGM is beaming either from my TV or through my earbuds. When there is a particular movie I really want to comment on, I'll sit down and take the time to craft observations I hope Paul, June, Jason, and the message board will hopefully find entertaining, funny and not a complete waste of their time. What the show has meant to you after all these years or any other sappy stuff  This is going to sound sappy as all get out, but HDTGM is like family to my wife and me. We've spent seven years listening to this show, and it never fails to entertain us or lift our spirits when we're down. Not to give away to much of the store, but I suffer from depression (anxiety, agoraphobia, panic attacks, etc) and I've been slowly learning how to positively navigate my way through it all. HDTGM plays a huge part in helping me tackle my depression. When I lost my sister in 2014, and my mom was diagnosed with cancer a year ago (she's recovering now), I'd listen to old episode of HDTGM to get me through. I don't know Paul, Jason or June personally, but I love, admire and respect them as if I did. That old cliche about people you'd want to get a beer with? It totally applies here. This show has been there for me when I needed it most, helping me to realize the world is a great place with wonderful, talented and like-minded people in it. Our fellow fans on the message board are an absolutely delightful and intelligent group of compatriots, and my wife and I look forward to their hilarious insights and observations each week. Thankfully, there's no troll-like shittiness there: just people who love bad movie as much as my we do. HDTGM means quite a bit to us. If the show ever makes it's way up to Portland, there will be two goofy fans up here waiting to welcome you guys with open arms (arms we promise not to utilize to grab the mic during the audience Q & A). Thank you Paul, Jason, June, the crew, and the message board for making HDTGM one of the absolute best things in the world!
  8. Blast Hardcheese

    Episode 200 - Action Jackson: LIVE!

    Happy 200th episodes, Paul, Jason and June! This episode is hilarious and so much fun. It ranks right up there with my personal favorite, 88 Minutes. I'm lucky enough to be married to a woman who loves 80 action movies (Lethal Weapon, Beverly Hills Cop, Die Hard--essentially the films Action Jackson is in the center of the Venn diagram of). She had never seen, let alone heard of, Action Jackson, so this was her first time watching this endlessly entertaining film. Needless to say, she absolutely loved it. "This movie is fuckin' perfect!" she exclaimed 20 minutes in. It was so much fun watching this movie with her (I haven't seen it in over 20 years since first watching it on VHS) and we had a blast. Thank you for making this movie HDTGM's 200th. Okay, so never having tried heroin, I have to admit that I am not exactly an expert on this illicit drug. My general knowledge of its addiction is derived primarily from seeing it portrayed in films like Trainspotting, Pulp Fiction and Requiem for a Dream. In Action Jackson, it's established that Dellaplane has hooked Vanity on heroin (or, is he fostering her already established addiction--this guy's a creep, so either way... ). Okay, but does the old-timey syringe she uses look a bit too hefty for shooting-up with? It looks like the kind of syringe an veterinarian would use on large animals. Then there's the effect the drug has on Vanity: instead of coming across as lethargic and, well, stupor-y, she's acts like a fidgety, drunken sex-pot who, once she gets back to apartment, has "the munchies." Now, I don't want to say that the filmmakers had a sub-remedial understanding of heroin addiction, but their portrayal of it is like a grab bag of lurid addiction symptoms à la Refer Madness. Dellaplane owns a car company located in Detroit, MI, a highly competitive market which is dominated by "the big three": Ford, Chevrolet and Dodge. Dellaplane's company doesn't seem to produce any other models of cars other than the two-door sports car that looks suspicious like a Pontiac Fiero with 80's Ferrari vents glued on to the side of it, so how successful can this guy really be? Additionally, Dellaplane, a "successful" automobile magnate, is driven around town not in a luxury car manufactured by his own company, but rather in a Mercedes Benz limo instead. Also, the establishing shot of his narrow, multi-story factory (which must be super convenient for mass producing cars on an assembly line) shows a large, old brick building with several windows busted out. The guy can afford a private army of assassins (with an endless supply of butterfly knives), fund a convoluted murder scheme and lives in a very nice old school mansion, but he can't repair the windows in his company's headquarters? It was mentioned during the podcast how the producers came up with the name Action Jackson, and an Australian crew member exclaimed, "I'm in like... " yadda, yadda, yadda. Action Jackson is actually the name of a line of action figures produced by the Mego Corporation during the 1970's. The commercials had a pretty catchy theme song: "Action Jackson is my name/Bold adventure is my game!" which , incidentally, was also sung by by Joel and the Bots on an episode of MST3K. Anyhoo... here is one of the Action Jackson television commercials: Lastly, the actor who played the butler in Action Jackson is Nicholas Worth. He was also in another great action movie: Sam Raimi's Dark Man. He sadly passed away in 2007.
  9. Blast Hardcheese

    Die Another Day (2002)

    Oh, and Madonna performing the theme song and appearing in a cameo! Also, The Clash's "London Calling" morphing into an Imperial March-esque theme telegraphing who the villain is before we get to meet him.
  10. Blast Hardcheese

    Episode 197 - Beastly: LIVE!

    Cam, you are absolutely spot on. By the end of the film, Kyle hasn't learned to be a more thoughtful person but rather someone who can mimic human emotions in a convincing way. The scene with NPH getting his sight back would have been much better if he looked down at his outfit and said, "What the fuck have I been wearing all this time?"
  11. Blast Hardcheese

    Episode 197 - Beastly: LIVE!

    Okay, okay okay... 1. What's ultimately in it for Kendra/The Witch for her to do what she does in this movie? Yes, Kyle is a shallow and vociferous douche bag, but how would his winning the presidency of the green ...initiative (?) really effect her life? He gives his speech to the school, she vandalizes his many, many campaign posters. Okay, tit for tat. When he tries to humiliate her at the school dance (taking place at a trendy New York bar for no reason), she doesn't seem particularly bothered by it, like, at all. Later, when "Hunter" is trying to find Kendra to reverse the spell, he tracks her down at the high school's Halloween block party, where she's just hanging out and dancing around like it ain't no thing. For a supposed outcast, she doesn't seem to be uncomfortable zipping in and out of the school's socials functions. Her character comes across as the being who knows the full extent of her supernatural powers and, because of that knowledge, has no absolutely fucks to give: casting this spell/curse on Kyle and behaving the petty manner she does seems like a complete waste of her time and powers. Had she been portrayed as being bullied, harassed or maligned for being different, that would give her motive and the movie stakes. But, she's lashing-out at one guy in her school (who is, admittedly a prick, but not really a serious threat to her at all) and using her considerable powers to teach him (and, as implied at the end of the film, his father) a lesson makes her unsympathetic: she has nothing to gain and no real wrongs to reverse. I'd argue that Kendra acting upon her petty whims makes her the bully/antagonist of the film, not Kyle. 2. On that note: to lift the curse, Kyle, a thoughtless asshole who puts more stock into one's physical appearance than the content of their character, has to convince someone to love him in spite of the marring of tattoos, open (yet bloodless) wounds, nose boils, and solder scoring to lift the curse Kendra put on him (seriously, she should have instead just turn Kyle into a middle-aged schlub, transported him to L.A. and wish him luck with). Why condemn some hapless innocent into this game or ridicule and retribution? If Kendra's plan is to make petty jerks learn to be better people, why not go after bigger game (cough *Trump* cough) and do so without manipulating the emotions of an additional person who's oblivious to what's actually going on and can potentially get their heart broken? Kendra is a thoughtless asshole. 3. Rather than setting him up at Brooklyn brownstone, why doesn't Kyle's father just hide the now-deformed son he's ashamed of at the much more secluded cabin-mansion upstate? 4. Lindy's reaction to Kyle/Hunter at the end of this film should have been, "What. The. FUCK, Kyle?!? You're Hunter? You blackmailed my father into sending me to live with you?? And magic is real??? I can't fuckin' process any of this shit right now!" Which is then immediately followed by her running away from Kyle in any direction as fast as she can. 5. Frank O'Hara's "Sharing A Coke with You" may be a celebrated and beloved poem (right?), but does its inclusion in this film feel like blatant product placement for Coca-Cola to anyone else?
  12. Blast Hardcheese

    Van Helsing (2004)

    This is the best news I've heard in quite a long time.
  13. Totally agree! The Laz lacks Connery's charisma, Moore's smarmy charm, Dalton's steely determination, Brosno's hammy wit, or Craig's Craig-ness. Also, for a guy who bailed on the Bond franchise to get hippie wet, Lazenby sure did a lot of guest appearances in what were essentially "Bond cosplay" to remind audiences that he once (!) played the suave British secret agent. In the Master Ninja II episode of MST3K, for instance, Lazenby plays "Chip" Bond-like character, complete with tuxedo, gadgets and a vintage Aston-Martin DB-9 he stole from the set of Goldfinger.
  14. Blast Hardcheese

    Double Indemnity

    This is my first time posting over here on the Unspooled message board, but since Double Indemnity is my absolute favorite movie of all time I thought I'd chime in with some of my thoughts regarding the film. 1. Every time Edward G. Robinson is on the screen in this film does for me what I often hear people who discuss Heath Ledger' s Joker does for The Dark Knight (and deserving so: Ledger was a revelation in that roll of course). One of my favorite aspects of Keyes' character is that, true to his last name, he's able to gleefully unlock Phyllis and Walter's scheme (up to a point), even going so far to realize that Mr. Dietrichson wasn't even on the train, but rather a "someone else" posing as him. Papa's got it all figured out. 2. Paul questioned a couple of times why this movie has never been remade, but it actually was. In the mid-70's Double Indemnity got a hilariously abyssal, shot-for-near-shot made-for-TV update starring Rambo's William Crenna. It came as a bonus disc with the remastered Universal Legacy Series edition of Double Indemnity, and deserves a HDTGM outing all its own (the TV version, that is). One of the most entertaining scene in the remake is when the main characters "attempt" the famous "How fast was I going, officer?" scene, and it just deflates right there in front of the camera before the scene gets going, as if the actors just got tired and gave up. 3. When he wasn't ripping off Quentin Tarantino's early films wholesale, British director Guy Ritchie would find time to lift and mutate lines of dialogue from other famous films as well. For example, here's a line of dialogue from Benicio Del Toro's Franky Four Fingers in 2000's Snatch "I am not in Rome, Doug. I'm in a rush," which is a simply variation on Keye's "Well, we're not in Medford now, we're in a hurry." Revenge for what we did to The Office? Who knows? 4. Billy Wilder's follow-up, The Lost Weekend is a direct jab at Raymond Chandler, as the character in that film is supposed to be Chandler himself.
  15. Of the various problems with this movie, I think the lack of charisma of its stars is one of the main culprits to it being as horrible as it is. In particular, Judd Law is woefully mis-cast in a roll that should have gone to someone who could pull off that certain Indian Jones/Han Solo-like smart ass swagger. I'm thinking of an actor along the lines of the Ryan Reynolds, Sam Rockwell or James Roday. Someone who can provide levity, charm and is instantly relatable to the audience. Judd Law is a great actor, but in this roll he came off as stuffy, poncy and smug. You know: traits the hero's nemesis should have. Or better yet, re-cast this role as a strong, intelligent female daredevil with the confidence and joie de vivre of a character like Roxy Rocket. Ta-da!
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