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Blast Hardcheese

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About Blast Hardcheese

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  • Birthday 02/14/1929

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  1. Blast Hardcheese

    Die Another Day (2002)

    Oh, and Madonna performing the theme song and appearing in a cameo! Also, The Clash's "London Calling" morphing into an Imperial March-esque theme telegraphing who the villain is before we get to meet him.
  2. Blast Hardcheese

    Episode 197 - Beastly: LIVE!

    Cam, you are absolutely spot on. By the end of the film, Kyle hasn't learned to be a more thoughtful person but rather someone who can mimic human emotions in a convincing way. The scene with NPH getting his sight back would have been much better if he looked down at his outfit and said, "What the fuck have I been wearing all this time?"
  3. Blast Hardcheese

    Episode 197 - Beastly: LIVE!

    Okay, okay okay... 1. What's ultimately in it for Kendra/The Witch for her to do what she does in this movie? Yes, Kyle is a shallow and vociferous douche bag, but how would his winning the presidency of the green ...initiative (?) really effect her life? He gives his speech to the school, she vandalizes his many, many campaign posters. Okay, tit for tat. When he tries to humiliate her at the school dance (taking place at a trendy New York bar for no reason), she doesn't seem particularly bothered by it, like, at all. Later, when "Hunter" is trying to find Kendra to reverse the spell, he tracks her down at the high school's Halloween block party, where she's just hanging out and dancing around like it ain't no thing. For a supposed outcast, she doesn't seem to be uncomfortable zipping in and out of the school's socials functions. Her character comes across as the being who knows the full extent of her supernatural powers and, because of that knowledge, has no absolutely fucks to give: casting this spell/curse on Kyle and behaving the petty manner she does seems like a complete waste of her time and powers. Had she been portrayed as being bullied, harassed or maligned for being different, that would give her motive and the movie stakes. But, she's lashing-out at one guy in her school (who is, admittedly a prick, but not really a serious threat to her at all) and using her considerable powers to teach him (and, as implied at the end of the film, his father) a lesson makes her unsympathetic: she has nothing to gain and no real wrongs to reverse. I'd argue that Kendra acting upon her petty whims makes her the bully/antagonist of the film, not Kyle. 2. On that note: to lift the curse, Kyle, a thoughtless asshole who puts more stock into one's physical appearance than the content of their character, has to convince someone to love him in spite of the marring of tattoos, open (yet bloodless) wounds, nose boils, and solder scoring to lift the curse Kendra put on him (seriously, she should have instead just turn Kyle into a middle-aged schlub, transported him to L.A. and wish him luck with). Why condemn some hapless innocent into this game or ridicule and retribution? If Kendra's plan is to make petty jerks learn to be better people, why not go after bigger game (cough *Trump* cough) and do so without manipulating the emotions of an additional person who's oblivious to what's actually going on and can potentially get their heart broken? Kendra is a thoughtless asshole. 3. Rather than setting him up at Brooklyn brownstone, why doesn't Kyle's father just hide the now-deformed son he's ashamed of at the much more secluded cabin-mansion upstate? 4. Lindy's reaction to Kyle/Hunter at the end of this film should have been, "What. The. FUCK, Kyle?!? You're Hunter? You blackmailed my father into sending me to live with you?? And magic is real??? I can't fuckin' process any of this shit right now!" Which is then immediately followed by her running away from Kyle in any direction as fast as she can. 5. Frank O'Hara's "Sharing A Coke with You" may be a celebrated and beloved poem (right?), but does its inclusion in this film feel like blatant product placement for Coca-Cola to anyone else?
  4. Blast Hardcheese

    Van Helsing (2004)

    This is the best news I've heard in quite a long time.
  5. Totally agree! The Laz lacks Connery's charisma, Moore's smarmy charm, Dalton's steely determination, Brosno's hammy wit, or Craig's Craig-ness. Also, for a guy who bailed on the Bond franchise to get hippie wet, Lazenby sure did a lot of guest appearances in what were essentially "Bond cosplay" to remind audiences that he once (!) played the suave British secret agent. In the Master Ninja II episode of MST3K, for instance, Lazenby plays "Chip" Bond-like character, complete with tuxedo, gadgets and a vintage Aston-Martin DB-9 he stole from the set of Goldfinger.
  6. Blast Hardcheese

    Double Indemnity

    This is my first time posting over here on the Unspooled message board, but since Double Indemnity is my absolute favorite movie of all time I thought I'd chime in with some of my thoughts regarding the film. 1. Every time Edward G. Robinson is on the screen in this film does for me what I often hear people who discuss Heath Ledger' s Joker does for The Dark Knight (and deserving so: Ledger was a revelation in that roll of course). One of my favorite aspects of Keyes' character is that, true to his last name, he's able to gleefully unlock Phyllis and Walter's scheme (up to a point), even going so far to realize that Mr. Dietrichson wasn't even on the train, but rather a "someone else" posing as him. Papa's got it all figured out. 2. Paul questioned a couple of times why this movie has never been remade, but it actually was. In the mid-70's Double Indemnity got a hilariously abyssal, shot-for-near-shot made-for-TV update starring Rambo's William Crenna. It came as a bonus disc with the remastered Universal Legacy Series edition of Double Indemnity, and deserves a HDTGM outing all its own (the TV version, that is). One of the most entertaining scene in the remake is when the main characters "attempt" the famous "How fast was I going, officer?" scene, and it just deflates right there in front of the camera before the scene gets going, as if the actors just got tired and gave up. 3. When he wasn't ripping off Quentin Tarantino's early films wholesale, British director Guy Ritchie would find time to lift and mutate lines of dialogue from other famous films as well. For example, here's a line of dialogue from Benicio Del Toro's Franky Four Fingers in 2000's Snatch "I am not in Rome, Doug. I'm in a rush," which is a simply variation on Keye's "Well, we're not in Medford now, we're in a hurry." Revenge for what we did to The Office? Who knows? 4. Billy Wilder's follow-up, The Lost Weekend is a direct jab at Raymond Chandler, as the character in that film is supposed to be Chandler himself.
  7. Of the various problems with this movie, I think the lack of charisma of its stars is one of the main culprits to it being as horrible as it is. In particular, Judd Law is woefully mis-cast in a roll that should have gone to someone who could pull off that certain Indian Jones/Han Solo-like smart ass swagger. I'm thinking of an actor along the lines of the Ryan Reynolds, Sam Rockwell or James Roday. Someone who can provide levity, charm and is instantly relatable to the audience. Judd Law is a great actor, but in this roll he came off as stuffy, poncy and smug. You know: traits the hero's nemesis should have. Or better yet, re-cast this role as a strong, intelligent female daredevil with the confidence and joie de vivre of a character like Roxy Rocket. Ta-da!
  8. Blast Hardcheese

    Episode 187 - Beautiful Creatures

    As Hans Gruber's younger brother, Simon, no less. So yeah: forever in the shadow of greatness.
  9. Blast Hardcheese

    Episode 186 - Geostorm: LIVE!

    I know most of what I've written below was broached by other posters on this forum, but I basically wrote the following (which was transcribed my copious notes) last Saturday night (whoo-hoo!) when I watched this movie: I have to admit that I was actually (and ashamedly) excited to hear that Goestorm was this week’s movie: I was curious about this film and finally had an excuse to watch it and see what all the fuss was about. After paying $6 to see it on Amazon Prime (!), however, I quickly realized why this movie is so derided. Geostorm isn’t a “so bad it’s good” movie: It’s just bad. Geostorm is a CGI-heavy disaster-fetish movie that would have felt right at home in the 90’s (the decade that, of course, gave cinema goers the floodgate-opening blockbuster Independence Day), but by today’s post-911, post-Katrina trauma and mistrust standards feels depressingly out of place and naïve. Everything from the forgettable and familiar, one-dimensional character tropes (and these character’s odd, superficial familiar-ness with one another), to the half-baked “conspiracy at the highest levels of government” plotline, to the main character’s flippant and douche-y attitude in the face of extreme life and death circumstances feel painfully dated and labored. Maybe the director and producers were gunning for a quainter era of grandiose screen death and destruction: I don’t know. Geostorm failed as a movie, and failed in a spectacularly underwhelming and under-entertaining fashion. Of the many, many perplexing story devices in Geostrom, none irked me more than the Scooby Doo-esque reveal by Ed Harris’ Secretary of State character in utilizing the weather satellites (which, side note, Gerard Butler’s character takes credit for designing, but I have a feeling he just ripped off the idea from either Superman III or that episode of G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero where Destro built a “weather dominator”) to destroy America’s enemy’s. Okay, but… As we learn in the opening voiceover from Butler’s character’s world-weary 14 going on 40 year-old daughter, the nations of Earth have put aside their differences to come together and confront extreme weather events head-on. Nowhere in this movie are we told—or are they even alluded to—who America’s enemies are. We are left to presume that America’s closest threats are the ones we have now: state actors and terrorist cells. But, these threats are never expounded on. Also, are Brazil, Japan and China (three countries we see horrifically devastated in this grand scheme) our enemies in the movies universe? The other portion of this movie that annoyed the shit out of me was the relationship between Butler’s characters brother (I’ll call him “Mini Mullet”) and Abby Cornish. These two work in the White House and can’t let it be known that they are dating, for some reason (I honestly tuned-out for parts of this movie, so there may have been an explanation, I dunno… ) That being said, what is the point of this? Their secret love affair places zero strain on their relationship and they seem to be relatively carefree and a happy, domestically. Also, for a secret relationship, they do a shit job of hiding it, as they both live together. I’m sure the HR rep at the White House who refuses to give these clandestine lovers the workplace romance rights and responsibilities statutes review would have no problem putting two and two together to see they both live at the exact same address. Lastly, who is this movie made for? In watching this endless stream of death, destruction, wooden acting, and desperate stabs at humor, I was left to wonder, “Who enjoys watching this shit?” Aren’t movies supposedly a form of escapist entertainment? What audience actually enjoys watching amplified, ham-handed computer-rendered versions of the shit that causes us real-life grief, misery and anxiety? At one point, I think it was during either the flash freezing of Rio de Janeiro beach-goers or the satellite disintegration scene, I unconsciously blurted out, “Oh, fuck you, movie!” at my television. This movie took me to a place I did not like. A bad touch kind of place. Paul, having now endured this slog of a movie, can we please get Tank Girl (the perfect bookend to Johnny Mnemonic, in my humble opinion) or The Day After Tomorrow for the next (or an upcoming) episode of HDTGM? These movies are endlessly entertaining and bananas in all the ways Geostorm most assuredly was not.
  10. Blast Hardcheese

    The signs of a bad movie list

    TOTALLY!!!
  11. Blast Hardcheese

    Good Weird Movies You'd Recommend for HDTGM

    Completely agree. "Welcome to Mars" is one of the best opening songs in the history of moving pictures.
  12. Blast Hardcheese

    The signs of a bad movie list

    I would say that this Tears For Fears cover actually does something different with the source material and it's really novel and well executed. What I'm talking about are these nameless, faceless (can anyone name the "artists" performing these songs?), slow, morose, and suicide-inducing covers with wafer-thin, delicate vocals that are in EVERY film trailer these days. These covers are supposed to denote gravity and manipulate emotions, usually juxtaposed with 'splosions, characters looking off into the distance, and armies running into confrontation. I feel like the last one I heard was a cover of "All Along the Watchtower."
  13. Blast Hardcheese

    The signs of a bad movie list

    I know it's not necessarily a sign of a bad movie, but: trailers with melancholy covers songs. What's with this trend? I mean, seriously, who hears these slow-motion butchered songs with fragile-voiced singers and are all, like, "I gotta pay money to see this sad shit!"?
  14. Blast Hardcheese

    Good Weird Movies You'd Recommend for HDTGM

    Oh my gawd! I totally forgot about this movie. Yes, totally! The Brother from Another Planet and The American Astronaut would make for a perfect double feature. Whenever I recommend The American Astronaut to anyone looking for an odd movie recommendation, I'll usually describe it as Eraserhead meets Firefly meets Rock And Roll High School. This still doesn't seem to do this amazingly efficient sci-fi indie musical justice, though.
  15. I know good weird movies a la Crank 1 & 2, Punisher: Warzone and the Fast/Furious franchise are few and far between on HDTGM these days, but if you had your druthers, what good-yet-strang-ish movies would you like to see Paul, June, Jason, and a guest discuss. To get the ball rolling, here are some of mine: 1. The American Astronaut (2001) 2. A Boy and His Dog (1975) 3. The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984) 4. Johnny Suede (1991) 5. Dead Alive (1992) 6. Repo Man (1984) 7. Suburbia (1983) 8. They Live (1988) 9. Murder Party (2007) 10. May (2002)
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