Van Helsing (2004)

[Ofcoursemyhorse 1043]

Richard Roxborough is a scene chewing lunatic in this movie.

[pogues 18]

Everyone is doing some weird voice work in this movie. Kate Beckinsale is doing a Boris and Natasha voice. The Monk is doing a scared Shaggy from Scooby Doo Voice and the Frankenstein's monster is just on the spectrum. The special effects aren't great either.

[PeteHummon 0]

Seriously, if I could single-handedly pick the next HDTGM subject, it would be “Van Helsing” in a heartbeat. VH is an explosion of bad writing, bad acting, bad design, bad moments… you name it, VH screws it up badly. SO badly!

 

Consider: This movie is “1800’s James Bond meets Monster Mash, with a touch of Scooby-Doo.” It is a string of beyond-ludicrous action sequences, glued together with scenes of overbaked melodrama. I guess there’s a plot, but I kinda suspect it was added hastily in post-production. Every performance is TERRIBLE, although the guy who plays Dracula seems determined to sink the movie all on his own. If I had to pick the single worst thing in VH, I’d be stumped. The competition is positively overwhelming.

 

Actually, I take that back – I CAN tell you what the single worst aspect of this movie is. VH is a terrible, terrible flick which thinks it is an awesome movie. When I watch it (an act that is a cross between indulging a guilty pleasure and self-abuse), I honestly get the feeling that the filmmakers thought they were giving the world an awesome, one-of-a-kind blockbuster. The gulf between their ambitions and their reach is mind-boggling.

 

“Van Helsing” is a movie positively crying out, “How Did This Get Made???”

[NundercoverBrother 174]

The title card between "The End" and the credits:

 

"Dedicated to my Father"

 

is tragically funny.

[sillstaw 414]

Astonishingly, this might be relevant again soon, since reportedly Syfy is considering a female-led version of "Van Helsing" as a series. And because this franchise is made up of nothing but bad ideas, the showrunner is slated to be Neil "Wicker Man remake" LaBute.

[nthurkettle 148]

The actor who played Frankenstein's Monster, Shuler Hensley, ended up playing Frankenstein's Monster again - in Mel Brooks's Young Frankenstein on Broadway. Pretty fitting, given the number of times in Van Helsing he seemed to want to burst into song. Basically, the whole movie should have been a musical. Dracula was already camp enough for a Rocky Horror Picture Show screening.

[Blast Hardcheese 636]

This, back-to-back-to-back with Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters and I, Frankenstein.

 

Wait, no. That's a terrible idea.

[IJoinedJustForThis 35]

I once saw this with three buddies, and when Dracula came on and started talking, they demanded to shut it off. This would be a pretty good candidate.

[JeremyWhitson 2]

I remember being so excited for this movie when it came out. Looked like a really fun action movie with some horror elements and great visuals. While that is partially true, this movie is an absolute mess. I'm curious as to just how many rewrites the script had. Also, some incredibly hammy acting that I'm sure would make for a good episode.

[WadeLanning 0]

Roxburgh's performance as Dracula was bonkers, but I also found it oddly entrancing. I'd rewatch it just for him.

[nthurkettle 148]

Frankenstein's Monster wants to know WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY this movie hasn't been done yet.

 

[SlidePocket 707]

One of the live shows next Saturday!

[Ofcoursemyhorse 1043]

Yay, this movie is nothing but an endless stream of questionable decisions in filmmaking. It does have my favorite on screen portrayal of Jekyll/Hyde though. 

[Blast Hardcheese 636]

On 9/7/2018 at 3:21 PM, SlidePocket said:

One of the live shows next Saturday!

This is the best news I've heard in quite a long time.

[SlidePocket 707]

It's finally airing next week!

[ThibaultTurcas 10]

10 hours ago, SlidePocket said:

It's finally airing next week!

Omg, never been more excited for an episode!
The ACTION JACKSON ep from the same night with Seth Rogen is one of my top 5 eps.
And always a good excuse to watch this insanity again!

[juggernaut 2]

Is it just me or does anyone else see Chris D'Elia as van helsing?