EPISODE 80 — Jon Gabrus Again, Our Close Friend

[Joe McGurl 8358]

Finally. The respect I deserve.

 

If i don't get 10 likes on this post, a forum member dies.

 

Please, no one else like this post so it stays at 9 forever.

 

Great first novel Joe!

 

Thanks Chefszki, couldn't have done it without you. I didn't put you in the story because I didn't want you to die but you were there in my heart at all times.

[SteveH 11126]

If you guys are comfortable gambling on a human life, then by all means, leave it at 9. You have until 11:59 PM eastern to decide.

 

Edit: MUAHAHAHAHAHA

Edited April 23, 2015 by SteveH

[thejjar 5031]

If you guys are comfortable gambling on a human life, then by all means, leave it at 9. You have until 11:59 PM eastern to decide.

 

Edit: MUAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Dude you looking for some sort of evil sidekick? I'll even settle for henchman. Just trying to find my place around here

[SteveH 11126]

Send me your resume and cover letter.

[Colt 595]

The compound is filled with countless noobies that I never bothered to learn the names of.

Really, Joe? Now you're going to act like you don't even remember my name? At what point does this stop and you finally forgive me? I mean not liking my posts was one thing, but totally ignoring my presence is just flat out disingenuous. Do I need to remind everyone of that magical night we shared in Vienna?

 

It was the 13th Annual International Hollywood Handbook Forum Members Meet-Up and everyone that was anyone was there: devscoots, Chefszki, Andy Dick Cheney, Ronnie Hog, NY Times Writer Dave Itzkoff, even (insert your name here) showed up. And it was a really rocking time: there was horseshoes, a full service finger food buffet, and an all teen-aged Weezer cover band (Tweezer, I think they were called) that did a rendition of "The Sweater Song" that was even better than the original. Sadly, this was also the summer that Hayes and Sean couldn't make it because they were location scouting for "Love & Other Drugs", but they were courteous enough to send cardboard cutouts of themselves that we all excitedly posed with.

 

This was also my first year at the Meet-Up, so, not surprisingly, I was bit intimidated. I stood mostly in the corner and kept to myself for most of the evening. And since I don't drink (as most of you know I abstain from alcohol because my father was a chocoholic and the addiction gene runs in the family) I felt even more left out when CORPSEFUCKER SHITLORD showed up with six kegs of beer.

 

But Joe actually approached me and made me feel really comfortable. And after I told him about my situation, he even made it a priority to bring me diet Fresca's (as most of you know I abstain from drinking non-diet soft drinks because my mother is very fat and being very fat runs in my family) throughout the night. A real gentleman he was.

 

As the night progressed, the party started thinning out, and next thing you know the only people left were me, Joe, and the fifteen year old who was supposed to be Rivers Cuomo. And so we got to talking a bit more and started to swap stories: he told me about his Shakespeare Theater Company, and I recounted this one time where I met NBA basketball player Shaquille O'Neal at a Hooters in Phoenix, Arizona in 2009.

 

Eventually, I checked my watch and noticed it was nearly midnight.

"Joe, this was a lot of fun, but it's getting pretty late. I better get back to my hotel room so I can watch @midnight."

"What?" He cried. "It's only eleven-forty five!"

"I know. I know. But I have my flight out of Vienna tomorrow morning at sunrise. I need to get my beauty rest."

"Come on! You don't need any beauty rest! I think you're perfect the way you are." said Joe charmingly. "Why don't we just walk around the town and talk? I feel like all I know about you is that you met NBA basketball player Shaquille O'Neal at a Phoenix, AZ Hooters in 2008."

"2009." I corrected him.

"Seriously, though. How often do you get the chance to a night tour of Vienna with the #1 Handsome Boy? Live a little. I promise I'll get you to your flight "Before Sunrise".

"OK." I smiled.

 

The rest of the night felt like a Richard Linklater film: We waxed philosophically about the human condition, the narrative was loosely structured, and Mason from "Boyhood" even had a small cameo. Of course, the moment that stood out to me was when we simply walked through the city making wry observations about oddball locals while sharing a pair of earbuds and listening to old episodes of the reality show SHOW. Also, when we went to that dive bar and sang bad karaoke (Joe performed a Rod Stewart deep cut, while I did "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond), that was a lot of fun too.

 

After that everything felt kind of like that 1990s Damon Albarn band: a Blur. But I do remember falling asleep under the stars after we downed some cheap wine (I made an exception) and loffed our butts off at inside jokes that we had developed in the few short hours we'd spent together. I also remember feeling differently. Maybe it was just the liquor, but I remember feeling for once in my life, actually, alive. Like totally in the moment, you know? I wasn't worrying about the future, or stressing about work, or wondering what my wife and kids were up to. I was present. You gave me that gift, Joe. And regardless of anything else, I'll never forget that.

 

As morning started to come to, we went and got coffee (you said "Cup of Joe" and we shared a good laugh about that). Obviously, I wasn't impressed by Vienna's cafe options, because I'm from Seattle. This shit tasted like cat litter to me.

 

From there, we walked to the airport, were I proposed that we swap phone numbers and call each other every single night before we go to bed. But you, being the romantic you are, said that we shouldn't. That long-distance relationships never work. That instead, we should meet up again in Vienna, six months from now and pick up on our little adventure right were we left off.

"What time?" I asked.

"Sunset."

"How about "Before Sunset"?"

You smiled and said that sounded pretty damn good. And so we went our separate ways. You back to Scranton, where I'm sure you spent a lot of time hanging out with Dwight Schrute, and me back to Olympia, the birthplace of actor Rainn Wilson.

 

Of course, this being real life and not some romantic fairytale, when six months rolled around, I was a no-show. But you were there, Joe. You showed up, of course. I tried to explain that my grandma had died and I couldn't miss her funeral. But you wouldn't accept that as a proper excuse. You felt betrayed and rightly so. I should have tried to find a way to notify you, but I couldn't look you up on the internet (as most of you know I abstain from the internet because my grandpa doesn't know how to use a computer and not knowing how to use a computer runs in my family). Truthfully, we shouldn't have been so melodramatic and just exchanged numbers. It would've been so much so easier! None of this would ever happened. You wouldn't hate me and I would be included in your funny stories.

 

I don't want it to be anymore like this, Joe. I don't want to feel bitter every time I read one of your "great first posts." And I know you don't want to be grouping me in with a bunch of anonymous nobodies either. I know I screwed up big time. Can we please just put all of this behind us? What do you say? Can we give it another shot?

 

Fade Out.

Written & Directed by Richard Linklater

Ethan Hawke as Joe McGurl

Julie Delpy as Colt Barton

and Ron Livingston as CORPSEFUCKER SHITLORD

[Jakal 4475]

...and everyone that was anyone was there: devscoots, Chefszki, Andy Dick Cheney, Ronnie Hog, NY Times Writer Dave Itzkoff, even (insert your name here) showed up.

 

Finally some recognition.

[Joe McGurl 8358]

okay

[dixon 5920]

Really, Joe? Now you're going to act like you don't even remember my name? At what point does this stop and you finally forgive me? I mean not liking my posts was one thing, but totally ignoring my presence is just flat out disingenuous. Do I need to remind everyone of that magical night we shared in Vienna?

 

It was the 13th Annual International Hollywood Handbook Forum Members Meet-Up and everyone that was anyone was there: devscoots, Chefszki, Andy Dick Cheney, Ronnie Hog, NY Times Writer Dave Itzkoff, even (insert your name here) showed up. And it was a really rocking time: there was horseshoes, a full service finger food buffet, and an all teen-aged Weezer cover band (Tweezer, I think they were called) that did a rendition of "The Sweater Song" that was even better than the original. Sadly, this was also the summer that Hayes and Sean couldn't make it because they were location scouting for "Love & Other Drugs", but they were courteous enough to send cardboard cutouts of themselves that we all excitedly posed with.

 

This was also my first year at the Meet-Up, so, not surprisingly, I was bit intimidated. I stood mostly in the corner and kept to myself for most of the evening. And since I don't drink (as most of you know I abstain from alcohol because my father was a chocoholic and the addiction gene runs in the family) I felt even more left out when CORPSEFUCKER SHITLORD showed up with six kegs of beer.

 

But Joe actually approached me and made me feel really comfortable. And after I told him about my situation, he even made it a priority to bring me diet Fresca's (as most of you know I abstain from drinking non-diet soft drinks because my mother is very fat and being very fat runs in my family) throughout the night. A real gentleman he was.

 

As the night progressed, the party started thinning out, and next thing you know the only people left were me, Joe, and the fifteen year old who was supposed to be Rivers Cuomo. And so we got to talking a bit more and started to swap stories: he told me about his Shakespeare Theater Company, and I recounted this one time where I met NBA basketball player Shaquille O'Neal at a Hooters in Phoenix, Arizona in 2009.

 

Eventually, I checked my watch and noticed it was nearly midnight.

"Joe, this was a lot of fun, but it's getting pretty late. I better get back to my hotel room so I can watch @midnight."

"What?" He cried. "It's only eleven-forty five!"

"I know. I know. But I have my flight out of Vienna tomorrow morning at sunrise. I need to get my beauty rest."

"Come on! You don't need any beauty rest! I think you're perfect the way you are." said Joe charmingly. "Why don't we just walk around the town and talk? I feel like all I know about you is that you met NBA basketball player Shaquille O'Neal at a Phoenix, AZ Hooters in 2008."

"2009." I corrected him.

"Seriously, though. How often do you get the chance to a night tour of Vienna with the #1 Handsome Boy? Live a little. I promise I'll get you to your flight "Before Sunrise".

"OK." I smiled.

 

The rest of the night felt like a Richard Linklater film: We waxed philosophically about the human condition, the narrative was loosely structured, and Mason from "Boyhood" even had a small cameo. Of course, the moment that stood out to me was when we simply walked through the city making wry observations about oddball locals while sharing a pair of earbuds and listening to old episodes of the reality show SHOW. Also, when we went to that dive bar and sang bad karaoke (Joe performed a Rod Stewart deep cut, while I did "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond), that was a lot of fun too.

 

After that everything felt kind of like that 1990s Damon Albarn band: a Blur. But I do remember falling asleep under the stars after we downed some cheap wine (I made an exception) and loffed our butts off at inside jokes that we had developed in the few short hours we'd spent together. I also remember feeling differently. Maybe it was just the liquor, but I remember feeling for once in my life, actually, alive. Like totally in the moment, you know? I wasn't worrying about the future, or stressing about work, or wondering what my wife and kids were up to. I was present. You gave me that gift, Joe. And regardless of anything else, I'll never forget that.

 

As morning started to come to, we went and got coffee (you said "Cup of Joe" and we shared a good laugh about that). Obviously, I wasn't impressed by Vienna's cafe options, because I'm from Seattle. This shit tasted like cat litter to me.

 

From there, we walked to the airport, were I proposed that we swap phone numbers and call each other every single night before we go to bed. But you, being the romantic you are, said that we shouldn't. That long-distance relationships never work. That instead, we should meet up again in Vienna, six months from now and pick up on our little adventure right were we left off.

"What time?" I asked.

"Sunset."

"How about "Before Sunset"?"

You smiled and said that sounded pretty damn good. And so we went our separate ways. You back to Scranton, where I'm sure you spent a lot of time hanging out with Dwight Schrute, and me back to Olympia, the birthplace of actor Rainn Wilson.

 

Of course, this being real life and not some romantic fairytale, when six months rolled around, I was a no-show. But you were there, Joe. You showed up, of course. I tried to explain that my grandma had died and I couldn't miss her funeral. But you wouldn't accept that as a proper excuse. You felt betrayed and rightly so. I should have tried to find a way to notify you, but I couldn't look you up on the internet (as most of you know I abstain from the internet because my grandpa doesn't know how to use a computer and not knowing how to use a computer runs in my family). Truthfully, we shouldn't have been so melodramatic and just exchanged numbers. It would've been so much so easier! None of this would ever happened. You wouldn't hate me and I would be included in your funny stories.

 

I don't want it to be anymore like this, Joe. I don't want to feel bitter every time I read one of your "great first posts." And I know you don't want to be grouping me in with a bunch of anonymous nobodies either. I know I screwed up big time. Can we please just put all of this behind us? What do you say? Can we give it another shot?

 

Fade Out.

Written & Directed by Richard Linklater

Ethan Hawke as Joe McGurl

Julie Delpy as Colt Barton

and Ron Livingston as CORPSEFUCKER SHITLORD

Is this canon?

[Toro y Moist 695]

even (Toro y Moist) showed up.

A truly immersive experience.

[DEATHMAN 3317]

and Ron Livingston as CORPSEFUCKER SHITLORD

Accurate

[Mister Smart 462]

Is someone going to print out those posts and bring them to the Library of Congress?

[Joe McGurl 8358]

more like Mister Snark

 

[SteveH 11126]

Colt Barton-

 

Congratulations! You've made the list this year for People magazines 100 most fascinating people. Your profile says you're a mere 18 years of age. Is that true?

 

Do you drive around in that machine in your avatar?

[Colt 595]

Your profile says you're a mere 18 years of age. Is that true?

Do you drive around in that machine in your avatar?

Let's say this: I'm old enough to fight and die for my country, but not old enough to drink alcohol. And ain't that some bullshit? But, yeah, I'm 18.

 

No, I don't drive that machine. It's my cousin's (who works at a gas station and LITERALLY PUMPS GAS FOR A LIVING) old truck and my 80 yr old grandpa is planking on top of it. I live on a six acre farm in a rural part of Washington (not the liberal utopia that most people imagine the state as) and I have a red barn and horses. A lot of the people in my family are the most stereotypical rednecks you could imagine. Honestly, when Sean and Hayes do their exagerrated bit about flyover state people they're hitting pretty close to home.

 

Also, my dad built a little league baseball sized Fenway Park in our backyard because he liked the movie "Field of Dreams" a lot. It's pretty cool. These are not jokes. I can show you pictures if you want.

 

Also, I met Shaquille O'Neal when I was 12. I think I may have mentioned this though.

[xoValeriexo 4369]

Wow, Joe, you are so funny. My dream is to write for a tv show with all of the forumers. You guys are great.

[watchayakan 1021]

If it makes you feel any better, Colt, I'm fat enough to drink beer any time of day but too fat to die for my country.

[Mister Smart 462]

more like Mister Snark

 

 

[Rob Thomas Wiseau 436]

I "like" all the long posts without ever reading them. I appreciate the effort put into writing them.

[xoValeriexo 4369]

Shitty gifts I’ll buy you that you’ll have to pretend to like if you don’t have Kyle Bosman on the podcast:

• For Honlads, the DVD box of Bio Dome with a copy of Son in Law inside.
  
• For Joe McGurl, a first edition copy of Dr. Phil’s wife’s book.
  
• For Hayes, a blueprint of the White House with nefarious notes written all over it.
  
• For Chanson, a caricature of your likeness (which feature do you think they’ll emphasize?)
  
• For Andy Dick Cheney, a strained relationship with your father.
  
• For Bruce Reid Robinson II, an essay on stem cells written by someone who did little to no research.
  
• For Marshall Mellow, a foster child whose parents will want him back as soon as you grow attached.
  
• For Sillylillyquee, the complete series of Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra’s reality show “Til Death Do Us Part.”
  
• For Chanson, your real gift is psychological torture.
  
• For Spunky Foonerism, a foreign language copy of Green Eggs and Ham that doesn’t rhyme.
  
• For Dixon, a ticket to see Plain White Ts.
  
• For Andrew, a Han Solo action figure in “poor” condition.
  
• For Tim Treese, whatever I don’t want out of my Nature Box.
  
• For Sean, a copy of Jett Travolta’s death certificate.
  
• For Anastasia, a professional Kitchen Aid mixer without any attachments.
  

[Colt 595]

I like all the long posts without ever reading them. I appreciate the effort put into writing them.

I worked on that story for six hours and forty five minutes. That time breaks down to this:

Six hours of rewatching the "Before" trilogy.

Nine minutes of writing stream-of-consciousness/Kerouack style.

Thirty six minutes of staring at my computer and mustering up the courage to post something so dumb.

[gototimsvlogdotnet 2886]

• For Tim Treese, whatever I don’t want out of my Nature Box.

 

Pulling for WCMN Clif, but I know you'll eat those FIRST

[rod aug 5637]

I got the best gift of all, nothing! It's certainly better than having my throat slit

[robinsbruce 4985]

so help me god sean and hayes, if i have to read this stupid fucking essay im gonna be so pissed

[Rob Thomas Wiseau 436]

I worked on that story for six hours and forty five minutes. That time breaks down to this:

Six hours of rewatching the "Before" trilogy.

Nine minutes of writing stream-of-consciousness/Kerouack style.

Thirty six minutes of staring at my computer and mustering up the courage to post something so dumb.

 

I actually read everything you guys write. Don't tell anyone.

[MichaelBurton 80]

Today when my professor from Egypt asked who/what I go to when I'm in need of today's most topical and current events, I informed him and the rest of my class about Jon Gabrus and Sean and Hayes. When he wrote "Hollywood Handbook" on the board, I couldn't tell if it was the proudest moment of my life or the most shameful moment of my life.